Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Found the nightmare MIL who can't take responsibility for her actions.

Hmm, was it a joke though.

Going round to your DS and his wife's house and running your finger over the furniture and gathering dust is really NOT ok. It is undermining, passive aggressive and bitchy. You then saw she was upset, in that moment, and said nothing. You then say it is a joke. That is gaslighting. So, instead of being sorry, you think she is too sensitive as it was a joke.

Then there are the comparisons to your perfect daughter. Is it a competition?

You sound like my MIL. Always out to compare me to SIL, always waiting for an. opportunity to undermine me, and will ignore 99 great things and pick on the 1 that fell below perfect. A real joy to have around.

As you have found out, just like my MIL has, there are consequences for your actions. I clean up my kitchen and living room when they come round, and they aren't invited upstairs.

I'd be interested to know if your DIL does not go to great efforts with your DD because she is fed up of the comparisons?

I think you should absolutely apologise and explain that you were joking due to his untidiness to your DIL.

you may have to accept that she may never believe you, and even if she does it might not change things.

You have nothing for which you need to apologise.

However your post highlights that it is unrealistic to expect people to understand how another person is feeling. I get you because I've been there but most people who haven't, don't.

In your place I would just leave things as they are. Be civil and superficially friendly when you cannot avoid encountering this woman but no more than that.

Things will improve for you, just take care of yourself and your little one, nurture yourself as much as you can and let time take its course. This won't last forever, one day you will wake up and it will be gone.

Good luck.

The only thing to do is have her over to your house and make sure it's extremely messy. She's not going to lower her standards until she feels you've lowered yours.

I can't abide "oh its just a joke" or "only joking " when it was a nasty dig.
And popping in is rude .

Honestly? Just leave your DIL alone.

Agreed. "Popping in" is a no go for lots of people for very legit reasons.
Hope everyone is welcome to "pop into" OPs house and make comments when she's really busy/tired/in a mess etc etc. 🤮
What is good timing for one, isn't necessarily good timing for another.

I think it's so weird to comment that you've never been invited upstairs to help with nappy changes or bath times. Why would you be?!

Also stop trying to pop round, it's clearly not something DIL wants.

You were really really rude rubbing your finger in dust and commenting on it. That coupled with you keeping asking to go round and the comments about nappies and baths make me think an apology to DIL won't touch the sides of your behaviour tbh.

How was she to know that it was a joke?

OP is obviously not close or has that level of a relationship where her DIL would have interpreted it as a joke and if it was that why didn’t her son tell his wife. Plus, to continue to clean for years because of this makes me wonder if OP has done these little “jokes” about other things.

My mum would make digs like that and she would call it a joke but I knew it wasn’t because she was constant with digs about everything that wasn’t to her liking.

Why would anyone choose to joke about the cleanliness of someone’s home when they just moved?

Surely, when someone gives you a tour of their home, you say something complimentary, not joke about cleanliness.

My MIL popped in most days after she'd taken her dog to the park behind my house . I didn't really mind ss she was not at all judgemental and I think she was lonely . My H minded a lot more than me !

We had a v good relationship but after I divorced her son she never spoke to me again . I do understand now but at the time it saddened me .

You shouldn't need to apologise - it was a dig at your son and clearly a joke.

It’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms length from my grandchild -

Why can't your son sort this out? Everything does not have to go via DIL. Is your son a doormat?

@Yogarunningcoffee DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

It doesn’t sound like a very good joke. Actually it sounds like it wasn’t really a joke at all, but you were being a bit nasty and it backfired.

You do need to apologise because your comment was mean, but I wouldn’t expect it to mend your relationship. That requires work, not words.

I used to get marks out of ten for cleaning from my in-laws .
Wish I'd been as assertive as your dil ,op.
Good for her ,doing that will save her the upset I had to put up with

My Mil did this to me. Explained at length about how to dust from the light fittings down, it wasn't appreciated.

It's not even an unspoken tut and it was a judgement. They live around the corner from us but I don't invite anyone in now, this is my safe space and I'm not being judged on it (especially when DH really never cleans and he didn't get the lecture).

She's not keeping the GC from you, she's got good boundaries. You need to think about your relationship with her, not just as a conduit to the GC.

Only 1/3 into reading your post then l voted YABU. The entitlement was dripping off the page by then. They run their lives how they want, it’s nothing to do with you and you don’t get a vote. Plus the comparisons you make with your daughter is quite cringey; it just sounds like she’s more under your thumb

Who are you talking to here?

Exactly this. I find the nappy changing and bath time thing bit weird, it wouldn't cross my mind to have involved my MIl, or my other mother, in any of these events.

DIL is not keeping her MIL from her child.

OP literally says she sees them regularly. OP just wants the same level of access that her daughter gives her with her DIL and to be able to pop in whenever she wants instead of when it suits her DIL.

Well I’ll stick my neck out and say that this isn’t about one comment, it’s that your DIL wants you at arm’s length anyway.
Bringing up the old remark was a way of blaming that modus operandi onto you.
nobody freezes out someone who is otherwise welcome on the basis of one ill -conceived remark.
you know what they say, a son is a son until he meets a wife.
stay close and keep doing what they allow you and don’t make a big deal.
You’ll find when the kids are older and they want a bit of freedom again, suddenly they’ll be over what caused such great offence at that time, because you’ll come in very useful to them for the babysitting!

I never said DIL is keeping MIL from her child.

Her son can sort this out if he wants to.

You could apologize but it’s unlikely she’ll start allowing pop ins or trusting you.

As far as being kept at arms length, you have regular visits, they just aren’t ad hoc. You’re not being kept at arms length at all

As he doesn't do the majority of the cleaning it was obviously a nasty dig at your DIL

You can't even be honest. No wonder some MILs get a bad name

I would like to think that a one off remark, you could apologise for. However, I think you may have not made the remark in joking way, plus you talk about your daughters house. This is deeper than you think and it has obviously caused a lot of upset. My mother recently made a few comments to the father of her new great grandson. He is livid, they were not made in jest and she has form for being unkind, she however, nevers sees the issue. It has cost her visiting rights aswell.

I think you need to speak to her. I would be devastated if someone made a comment about dust in my house and I wouldn’t be letting them round unless the house was spotless (if at all). My best friend is welcome to turn up whenever she wants but that’s because I know she won’t judge me if my 1 year old has every toy out, the washing isn’t put away and the highchair is still dirty from lunch, whereas I need to hoover before my mum comes round (although she’s lovely and super super helpful) x