Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Apologise profusely - explain it was an in-joke about your son. Tell her you are mortified she feels the need to clean before she comes and sincerely ask her not to.

She needs to get that stick out of her ass and stop caring what you think.
You need to get that stick out of your ass and stop revealing you prize a spotless house.

And you need to start paying her compliments to repair this.

Many years ago my MIL made a similar comment to me. She was a clean freak and it really mattered to her. Unlike your DIL I laughed and would often ask if she had bought her white gloves to go over the surfaces when she came over.

Life is too short to be so offended at such little things and I’d move on if I were you.

Having said that I wouldn’t be that keen on the short notice popping in. I used to plan my days and build in quiet periods that I wouldn’t have wanted to have disturbed. It would never occur to me to do that with my DILs or sons. I’d just accept that’s not her style and take my lead from her. She’s not depriving you of you GC.

And good on your son for telling you the truth and defending his wife.

I can see how it was a joke, OP. Aimed at your son. It's easy to forget, when we're casually talking to our nearest and dearest how social dynamics changes what is heard by others who aren't as close to us.

I would apologise but, as others have said, not link it directly or in your head, to access to the home and your DGC. It sounds like you need to totally rebuild your relationship with your DiL. So apologize. Ask her out for coffee. Tell her you are amazed at DD keeping her house immaculate because of the state she used to keep her bedroom in. Ask her round to see the dust on your mantlepiece. Tell her about DS's slovenly ways. Tell her to make your DS do more around the house (and tell your DS off for letting her take on the mantle of expectation over how clean the house is). Ask her how she's doing. Tell her what a brilliant job she's doing as a mum. Etc. Talk to her about her childhood. Tell her about her DH. Just try to connect. Show some vulnerability and some appreciation for her. See if you can override the way she's been feeling about you and reset things.

Putting aside your decidedly unfunny 'joke' from a few years ago, which sounds more like a passive aggressive dig at your DIL than anything approaching humour, your recent behaviour sounds even more outrageous and probably has more to do with you not being encouraged to visit spontaneously any time you fancy it.
It seems highly probable that your DIL has interpreted your regular, faux casual, comments about how immaculate your DD's house is, despite her also having small children, as a criticism of your DIL's cleaning standards. In fact, it is hard to find a charitable explanation for your behaviour other than that you were trying to imply that your DIL is an inadequate mother and housekeeper. Maybe this is not your intent but I can easily see why it would appear so as I can't imagine what legitimate reason you could have for bringing up this subject regularly in conversations with your DIL other than to remind her of her inferiority to DD.

Omg take it from me who had the in-laws who could make passive digs about anything.. THIS IS NOT OK! They had just moved house, goodness knows what hassle they had on moving day and you are moaning about dust - really???
I also can't think of a single time I've visited a relative with a baby and then reported back to other relatives on the housekeeping.. I'm much more like to say "baby Mikey is smiling now" " baby Mikey is cutting a tooth" rather than "Mikey's mum does such good dusting" . So it's either passive aggressive comments or you are emotionally tone deaf.
You can try apologising. Can you make a conscious effort to praise something when you go.. "I really like that mobile you have got him. He really looks at it" rather than comparisons to your daughter.
If the problem is she feels judged at home could the call be "I'm working in your village today, would you like to meet at Costa/library/park for a coffee/picnic" and build trust from there?

Jokes are funny.

WTF is funny about going into someone else's bedroom in their home, running your finger over their furniture, and making a nasty comment about dust?

You were being a nasty bitch and everybody knows it. You're no longer welcome in their private spaces because of it. You want to barge their home when you please and criticize and they're not down with your bitchy bullshit.

You're intrusive and rude and obnoxious and not at all funny.

Dust, honestly does anyone care about it? It’s just matter.

Yes, apologise.

My MIL always made jokey digs about people's weight but I knew she meant it (she was anorexic her whole adult life). She truly judged everyone overweight.

Every visit I fretted about what to wear and always wore clothes to make me look thinner, or put off visiting if I could. She's gone now (essentially died of anorexia) and we are all very sad. But there is this mental freedom now of seeing FIL without the worry about the digs she used to make. I'm not glad she's gone at all - but I'm sad it hung over us.

What?! She wasn’t pregnant at the time, so what are you saying, no excuse there was a bit of dust?!
sorry but you sound like my MIL, we rarely visit them or ask them to our house as she’s like you, she gets upset that the neighbours grandchildren visit them every week and play in their garden and we rarely visit …. The thing is you make your bed … snide comments will only actually hurt you in the long run

The bigger issue is that you obviously don't have a close relationship with your DIL, and don't seem interested in developing one.

Your entire post has been carefully worded to make you sound innocent and well-meaning, but let's be real. Who tf runs a finger along a piece of furniture and makes a "joke" about the dust? And then continues to make digs by referencing your DD's "immaculate" home. I think you knew exactly what you were doing. You're just annoyed that it's costing you access to your grandchild. Yet, nowhere in your post did you talk about feeling bad for hurting your DIL's feelings. Instead you tried to paint her as overreacting, or getting the wrong impressiom about you.

I suspect she knows exactly what you're about, and that's why she keeps you at arms' length.

Regardless of any comments about the cleanliness of their house, yabu to think you can have a close “pop in and get involved” relationship with your dil in the same way you do with your own daughter.

No way would I ever want my mil popping in unannounced.

There's an old saying:

The doer always forgets, the one done to, never forgets.

Live by this and do unto others as you'd like done to you and youll be fine.

Would you have liked a joke like that from your own MIL OP?

Which I recognised. (the popping in).

have a conversation about how visits may work and plan ahead.

Compromise and communication is great for relationships! - perhaps “text me when you are next working locally and if we are available we can let you know”.

My MiL once bleached our dishcloth when she visited. I remember it happened. It didn’t impact on visits, forever. 🤯

I would talk to your son again before you do anything else. For all you know, your DIL might be mortified to think he’s told you about this.

If you’re going to apologise, do it because you’re sorry for up her; not because you think you might be more welcome to pop in if you do. She might just have people popping in in general. Lots of people do.

As a side note, my dad is very fond of making little digs like this, then saying “Just making a comment! Just a little joke!” if I call him up on it, trying to make it my fault. It gets very wearing and is a permanent negative issue in our relationship.

Yes why is she doing it sll ?

definitely a heartfelt and sincere apology is needed plus a reassurance thst nothing like thst will happen again

i am not keen on people popping in and would never usually invite people upstairs to do nappies

all you can do is be on best behaviour and be super nice to her going forward and you may get something like a nice relationship in time ?

No but OP can with her son in his house too!

Apologise for your actions/words not for her to change.

Mmmm, doubt the DIL is delighted to be nursing the grudge. She's probably tired, stressed and just doesn't want anyone adding to it. Not that complicated really.

I would prefer it if you didn't apologise, as it sounds like if you do, this will give you the green light to 'pop in', as is your goal here.

You sound entitled. Your dil has the measure of you.

Ooooo this IS the question ⁉️ does the MIL really have the right to pop in whenever she likes because her son is in his house? Let's say the son does want her to drop in when she's passing and the DIL doesn't. What happens?

To be fair a relationship with your son’s kids was always going to be different to that of your daughter’s, just the way it is, you’re not her mum so. Maybe stop trying to have the same kind of relationship, yes some people do have that kind of relationship with their MIL but that’s definitely the exception.

Oh for goodness sake, she made a jokey comment about a bit of dust, are people really so delicate that they can't just say 'oh bugger off MIL' at the time and move on?!
I really don't know how some people cope with life.

The OP can ring and say she's in the area, and if her DS wants to see her and DD doesn't, he can take her out for a coffee or something.

What's "delicate" about not wanting to spend lots of time with someone who makes snide, unfunny comments?

I think it's just she doesn't want MIL dropping in all the time. The dust comment just shows that MIL is critical reinforcing the DILs desire not to have her pop in. Its not about the dust comment as that is past issue now. It's the fact that the DIL doesn't want OP dropping in on her all the time and the OP wants to and isn't taking no for an answer.