why is it hard to like other people’s boy children

[Halfmunch]

I am a mother to girls, and have no brothers and I admit I don’t have much experience of raising or being around boys. The boys in my life I can find them overwhelming, frustrating and to be honest, self centred and lazy.

However, I am wondering if this is related to how people parent the boys, and a patriarchal society rather than the boys - as in it’s not their fault, they were not born this way. Is this something other parents have noticed, like Little Prince Syndrome?

My husband has a 12yo son and even after 5 years I struggle to bond with him. I have 2 x 9yo nephews and I also struggle with them. All 3 kids have different parents.

The boys are all overbearing in conversations - yell and talk over everyone else and already at their age ?!? mansplain and refuse to accept explanations or answers, challenging everything, ie. They all seem to ‘know better’ when a female answers a question and all have very singular topics they are only interested in, not interested in other people really. Step son is obsessed with football, so everything you do has to centre around that, and if it doesn’t, he’s completely disinterested in anything else and just mopes about.

I notice the boys all seem to opt out of clearing up, after a meal finished they will return to either talking about their chosen topic without noticing everyone else is clearing up, or go do their own activity, and have to be asked/reminded to do even minor tasks such as take a plate to the kitchen. I often watch them at family parties and while everyone else is pitching in, they have wandered off kicking a ball around quietly and when asked to help ‘oh I didn’t realise…’ however if it’s something slightly dangerous, they will barge in and get in your way even if you don’t want them to help they feel entitled to ‘help’ like SS demanding to be allowed to ‘light the BBQ’ unsupervised

They are nice boys, but I often read posts on here about people’s useless husbands, and think hmm well, there seems to be an awful lot of these males around… and it probably starts young!

My DH often feels frustrated as he’s very much an equal partner with a female, and believes in equality. He feel like he’s always nagging his son to try to get him to learn about life but many females seem to enable this! DH’s mum acts like SS is made of china, and my mum is the same with my nephew.

Is there a way we can tackle this as society?

Yeah me too, bloody hell.

There’s a plague of ‘princess’ girls, growing up to become ‘influencers’ & addicted to plastic surgery,

Actually I’ve just remembered an example of this which happened just 2 nights ago. My 24yo DS lives in a different city now, he was just about to tidy and clean his bedroom, having just got in from work. He’d put his bedding in to wash before going to work and he was tidying his room while it dried. He phoned me as he fancied a chat as he cleaned, we both sat on speakerphone chatting away and him giving me a running commentary about what he was doing. He did a thoroughly good job and we had a very pleasant chat, such a lovely interaction between mum and son. Shock horror, he did talk for a while about football ehich I’m not interested in but I was an active listener and asked a few questions too, he then listened whilst I talked about my job hunt at the moment, that’s how conversations go. I don’t just talk to people about the things I’m interested in, that would be selfish and one sided.

He isn't mansplaining anything, because he isn't a man. He's not even a teenager. He's a child.
Tell your husband to parent him better. If one of ours (have 4 sons) went to play football before helping to clearor washing up my husband would've asked where did he think he was going. You're aiming your frustration at the wrong person. He is just the product of his environment.

He wasn’t allowed to light the BBQ because it is fiddly, and he wanted to see big amounts of fire and it was a bit windy, plus he proved he doesn't listen to instructions so I didn’t deem him capable of joining in to do this safely. I suggested he could do it next time if he was able to show me he was able to listen to me without talking over me. Obviously he wants to only ever do the exciting things and none of the normal every day things like pick up your shoes

I would say the same thing to girls for the same reasons in the same situation but for some reason they don’t act so entitled.

My girls are older not smaller, so I’ve also been around other children. Parenting is the problem. I agree there can be some girls who don’t behave well but that wasn’t the point I was making as it’s not the same, and doesn’t have the same impact upon the world as entitled men do

Could it be jealousy as you only have girls ?

I'm a mum to two boys and also a cub Scout leader. My own boys are a bit of a handful but they have very profound ADHD. Their friends and the cubs and scouts I look after are wonderful. They all have their own characters and things they need to work on but they are funny, kind, hardworking and full of enthusiasm. The girls are wonderful too bug we do have slightly more issues with bullying and cliqueyness with them. I suspect you have not had much close experience with boys in your family and thats why you're finding them difficult to bond with.

You were not there, so you can’t say this. He was literally doing this and my DH saw it and told him off for it. DH told him that he should listen to me when I am talking and not argue back thinking he knows better

No, why would I be jealous?

MN is wild, what a theory 😂

I didn’t mind if I had girls or boys. It’s not like you get a choice. If I had a boy I would still be aware of all these things and bring him up with awareness of the world around me and the impact poor parenting can have

I have a boy and a girl. When my kids were little I used to find a lot of girls/ girl mums annoying. This "my little princess" bollocks used to grate on me. I think it all depends on the individual child/ parent though.

Yes they are harming themselves though not violently sexually assaulting men

As this is a forum for women you're not likely to get many posts about useless lazy wives. You sound very unpleasant tbh .

On the other hand my son was used to help regulate the behaviour of a very challenging little girl in primary school to the extent of being named as one of the reasons the council should provide free transport for her to stay at the same school when the family moved to a neighbouring town. Does that prove all boys are wonderful and girls are the problem or is that just one experience?

I work in a nursery. Children simply cannot be divided into boys and girls in terms of personality. We have challenging children of both sexes for many different reasons, but all of them have positive qualities too!

i have three girls and one boy. i find girls insanely overbearing and find other peoples daughters really entitled and rude. my son is quiet and gentle,kind and never had any issues with him. my daughters are always arguing with us, with their friends and teachers 😂😭its non stop.

Did you actually read that post properly? 🤪

also i think you probably hold a lot of resentment towards your step sons so it translates to 'all boys'

Yep she 100% has some sort of issue , that’s not normal in any way . I sore my step son and me and his dad only got together when he was 13 year old ( now 19 ) .

I don't dislike boys, but I have encountered a lot of what you are saying, like after meals, girls pitching in and cleaning up, but the boys being allowed to go off and play. There is a lot of sexist learned behaviour that comes from the parents and grandparents. The girls are asked and praised for pitching in, but it's accepted that the boy needs his own time to unwind. You get people who say stuff about how being a "boy mum" is different because boys are boisterous and messy, and girls are better behaved - you hear similar stuff from some "girl mums". But from what I have seen, boys are often allowed to be boisterous with bad behaviour often ignored or encouraged, while that behaviour is shut down in little girls. I've seen a lot of people rough play with toddler boys and hold toddler girls like they are china. My family is terrible for it; both my brothers don't do housework, and my nephew is going the same direction.

Even if you do everything right and try to build fierce girls and conscientious boys, they are getting hit with stereotypes from television, school, and other kids. And no matter how hard we ourselves try, we can find you slip as we have had these stereotypes imposed on us all our lives! They have a school system in Iceland that actively challenges gender stereotypes by educating boys and girls separately so that neither sex is told they can't do things because of their gender. They get boys to do tasks stereotypically seen as for girls and vice versa - they basically both get to do "boys" things and "girls" things. Similar education systems make sure teachers never use the terms "boy" and "girl" but use pupil to discourage unconscious bias and gender stereotyping.

I wouldn't say the singular interest thing is just boys, btw - my daughter is quite like that too atm, it's just being a kid - they get obsessed about certain topics, and they are still only learning. She is just under 5, though. I think that boys are allowed to continue that behaviour more, while girls are told that they should let other people speak. Many people have said to me, with pride, "My boy is obsessed with space/dinosaurs/Lego," but then their house is full of the stuff.

I think, as a society, we should make boys clean up, not dominate conversations, be mindful of others, etc. We should rough-play with girls (studies show it is very beneficial) and encourage them to be confident, have their say, and be fierce. A friend of mine who is a boy mum, but also a huge feminist, says that all kids should be allowed to be a bit obsessive and a bit narcissistic because they are going to be knocked down for the rest of their lives. Personally, I think this hits girls more.

Indulging in lazy stereotypes to condemn almost 50% of the population is purile. You may have an issue with males but that is a you problem. I could brand all girls as vain, indulged princesses and whilst there are some, it is not universal and such a comment would be inaccurate and stupid.

It sounds like you’re generalising about all boys from a handful of those you’ve encountered within your own networks. There are some boys like that and this comes from poor male role models and mothers’ acceptance of their behaviour. There are plenty of nice boys out there too!

Maybe your husband indulges him a bit to make up for his wicked stepmother.

I think both girls and boys can be like this. Do you think that you have an aversion of boys because you're secretly disliking the fact that your DH has a son.

I think YABVU to think all boy parents are lazy. You’re basing your thoughts on three boys fgs. How many other girls are in your family, or is it just your daughters? Hard to believe all the girls are lovely and a delight, and all the boys are self obsessed and lazy.

I teach year 4 (so 8/9 year olds) and in my years have taught some absolutely lovely and delightful boys. I’ve also taught some not so nice boys. I’ve also taught lovely girls. And guess what? Some not so nice girls.

If you had a son, OP, what do you think he’d be like?