why is it hard to like other people’s boy children

[Halfmunch]

I am a mother to girls, and have no brothers and I admit I don’t have much experience of raising or being around boys. The boys in my life I can find them overwhelming, frustrating and to be honest, self centred and lazy.

However, I am wondering if this is related to how people parent the boys, and a patriarchal society rather than the boys - as in it’s not their fault, they were not born this way. Is this something other parents have noticed, like Little Prince Syndrome?

My husband has a 12yo son and even after 5 years I struggle to bond with him. I have 2 x 9yo nephews and I also struggle with them. All 3 kids have different parents.

The boys are all overbearing in conversations - yell and talk over everyone else and already at their age ?!? mansplain and refuse to accept explanations or answers, challenging everything, ie. They all seem to ‘know better’ when a female answers a question and all have very singular topics they are only interested in, not interested in other people really. Step son is obsessed with football, so everything you do has to centre around that, and if it doesn’t, he’s completely disinterested in anything else and just mopes about.

I notice the boys all seem to opt out of clearing up, after a meal finished they will return to either talking about their chosen topic without noticing everyone else is clearing up, or go do their own activity, and have to be asked/reminded to do even minor tasks such as take a plate to the kitchen. I often watch them at family parties and while everyone else is pitching in, they have wandered off kicking a ball around quietly and when asked to help ‘oh I didn’t realise…’ however if it’s something slightly dangerous, they will barge in and get in your way even if you don’t want them to help they feel entitled to ‘help’ like SS demanding to be allowed to ‘light the BBQ’ unsupervised

They are nice boys, but I often read posts on here about people’s useless husbands, and think hmm well, there seems to be an awful lot of these males around… and it probably starts young!

My DH often feels frustrated as he’s very much an equal partner with a female, and believes in equality. He feel like he’s always nagging his son to try to get him to learn about life but many females seem to enable this! DH’s mum acts like SS is made of china, and my mum is the same with my nephew.

Is there a way we can tackle this as society?

What a ridiculous post. OP, it says more about you than about the boys. I feel sorry for your stepson.

I do recognise some of what you describe OP.

I was over at the in-laws yesterday and my husband, BIL and FIL were all sitting watching football during lunch (all seated by MIL to watch the wall mounted TV behind me and her). My MIL basically skivvied for them and FIL was so fucking rude when she brought him pudding without a spoon. My 2yo told him to say thank you (we regularly get schooled in manners if we slip up at home). She also serves penis portions (starved me when BFing), and offered me to got sit away upstairs so as not to spook other male relatives at a party.

So there are still households who bring up boys to be very uncouth.

You are unlucky to know a few. My son and all his little boy pals are delightful creatures. He spontaneously thanks us for things that happened days ago ("thank you for taking me to the party mummy"), helps lay the table, loads the dishwasher etc. Loves to play with and look after babies too.

I'm not deluded that he'll stay like this, but he is being raised no different than if he was a girl.

Probably is a bit of a goady thread, but I did find my own ds hard work until he was about three and a half. As a toddler, he was very physical and would push, snatch and shove. He also had a stage of biting (although only at nursery) which was mortifying. He seemed behind in some respects: later to potty train than the girls I knew and speech was more limited and less sophisticated.

He is now five and in reception. I am so in love with him and so proud of him. I feel so thankful and so grateful to have him, not because he’s male or female but because he’s just fabulous. Yes, he has ‘boy’ interests like Hot Wheels and space (don’t mind that too much to be fair) but he also can name British garden birds and can tell you what a predator is and what nocturnal, diurnal and crepuscular mean. He loves science and the human body too. I love thinking about who and what he’s going to be.

He’s kind, popular and lots of fun to be around. He is just a great kid. Of course I’m biased but I can’t believe I ever thought he was less than or lacking in some way compared to the girls.

That is the behavior of the boys in your life. Not a fair generalisation of all boys. Weird generalisation to make op.

You are completely right. This is what frustrates me so much, children are put into some sort of societal group with no thought to personality or the environment they are being brought up in. There are wonderful men and wonderful women out there and likewise lots of the opposite. If you expect the worst from a little boy and make no effort to change that, just because he’s a boy then that’s what you’ll get. It’s adults in these children’s life that have the opportunity to influence future behaviour but instead, like the OP, just perpetuate the problem by being dismissive, frustrated or worse. They blame the child or say well I’m not their parent… it takes a village and all that!

Sounds like fil is a dick. I think this penis portions thing is a bit silly though. Could you have asked for more food? Women usually need less food than men. Explains why so many people are overweight I guess

Thanks I appreciate this post as it’s educated me more on the topic, also expresses details better than I have and the point

Well this is the stupidest thing I ever heard!

I’m not brilliant with other people’s children full stop but tbh I see that as a me issue. I’ve never found boys particularly more or less annoying than girls.

Your children are likely annoying to some people too.

I love my girls, and they're golden to be honest, (apart from several years when they were teenagers!) 😬but I know some girls who are little shits, badly behaved, push their younger siblings around, cheeky, and rude. I know a few boisterous and noisy boys who are hard work, and some who are little Angels. Just lovely to be around.

To just lump all boys together as shite, is so farcical that it's actually funny!

My little brother was a good lad - most of the time, although he was a bit spoilt. I was a fucking nightmare between 12 and 17! 😆

My female cousin - almost the same age as me - was as good as gold, and her older brother (4 years older) was a cunt. Aggressive and shouty, even with his mum, abusive to any woman he was with, and out of work two thirds of the time (for no reason other than the fact he was lazy!) Lived off his parents til he was 42-43, and they died. The property was social housing and they wouldn't let him keep the 3 bed house - obvs - so he was handed a 1 bed flat. Still there 10 years later. Single and alone. Has been alone for 7-8 years. No woman will look at him now.

Went off the tracks a bit there sorry 😆

Not when they’re bfing they don’t need
less!

I felt a bit grossed out I’m ashamed to say by other people’s male children’s snotty noses and pooey nappies in a way that I wouldn’t be by baby girls when I was a girl mum;
Having had a son it’s changed my perspective. He’s so loving and gorgeous and it’s made me see males in a different light and i feel more endeared to them now

Some of the comments about women and girls are really quite appalling and do not correlate at all with stating I have met boys who are lazy and entitled. It seems it’s ok to hit back with gross stereotypes about women and girls in a bid to try to prove me wrong that men aren’t a danger to women as statistical aggressors, and to point out that male entitlement needs to be addressed in childhood to protect women.

It is true that there is a large portion of women who hate women, and these women are raising boys. This thread very much shows this

Nothing you described is a sing of moral failings in growing boys and their parents. Actually you seem to be blessed to live in a big extended family with many family functions where apparently socialising is expected from children up to a very demanding extend .....most families with kids are happy if their kids are healthy, make it through the horrible British school system and have general happiness. Are you very rich, posh or not sure what.

I have worked with teens for over twenty years. The most difficult kids are girls. They can be manipulative and lie easily. Boys tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves and can’t lie as easily, they usually have ‘I am fibbing’ written on their foreheads. A generalization of course but that’s my personal opinion.

Some of us have 1 child, can hardly afford aiplane flight tickets to see extended family, leave alone when sit down for some food or barbecue abroad we are there to gaze at boys and dissect them playing football. Really?

You need to make the effort, I have two sons polar opposites of each other both great kids and now adults. Their friends were also great kids and I still see some.
I work with 16+ tthe lads are great, very funny and have problems, insecurities and dreams same as the girls. It's finding common ground and building on that. They are very loyal in my experience, sometimes behind the girls in maturity but not often met any child that I didn't like, like once or twice in my life and I have lived a very child focused life.

Because we grew up with our sons, we got to know why they were as they were, and also had the lovely moments where you had down to earth, lovely chats, where they told you how much they appreciated you, where you laughed til you couldn’t breathe. I don’t think any families should ever ever blend with boys or girls unless the new dp is ready to jump in head first and properly get to know the dc

ps board games, poker and watching YouTube or playing football with them help!!!

This is a big problem on here and I’m not going to say otherwise.

In an attempt to defend boys, some think it is necessary to make generalised and unpleasant (not to mention largely untrue) comments about girls.

I cant relate to your post at all OP.

Personally, I find boys much more pleasant to be around at softplays etc, they always engage politely with my child and include them more naturally. A 4 yo girl a few days ago called us "losers" and was so full on i was glad when she left. Another girl on a separate occasion was manhandling my child and bending their arms, trying to pick them up and boss them around (obviously i was there and intervened) and another girl at play group pushed my child over onto the floor because they walked over near her mum... I've also found older boys lovely, ie going for a walk a few evenings ago and my child took an interest in the much older (mid teens) ball and they were letting my child play, encouraging them to kick the ball etc. But I dont tar all girls with the same brush, i think its parenting thats largely in the issue, that's the difference.

My child is a boy, hes only 1.5yo but he tidies up his own toys (obviously I help open the box etc), he "helps" to cook/bake as much as I can safely allow, he puts our clothes in the washing machine, takes them out, puts them in the dryer, starts the dryer (again, with guidance), he has his own toy kitchen, toy sweeping brushes (though he mostly plays with mine!), toy teapot, toy sink where he washes (fake) pots, when I'm cleaning he has his own cloth and he copies me, etc etc. Its all about how we parent. He isnt going to be a lazy, entitled male, we need to do more as parents to show that males and females do it all.

Halfmunch
Some of the comments about women and girls are really quite appalling and do not correlate at all with stating I have met boys who are lazy and entitled. It seems it’s ok to hit back with gross stereotypes about women and girls in a bid to try to prove me wrong that men aren’t a danger to women as statistical aggressors, and to point out that male entitlement needs to be addressed in childhood to protect women.
It is true that there is a large portion of women who hate women, and these women are raising boys. This thread very much shows this

But op while I don’t agree with the girl comments you asked about your case: a 12 year old boy and 9 year old boys- Why are you bringing up the sort of posts about a kid? Why can’t you bond with those three children? Surely when they act out you correct them then chat/ play as you would with girls? I think that is the issue, that some women see men as another planet away. Just look at that thread at the moment where op says her and her friends are all very responsible, delightful people and men are all so hard to be around. There’s awful men and women, boys and girls!!

Never found this.

I think your issue may be with particular kids and how they are being parented or even paricular extended events where you see them.

I've found some diffcult boys and girls often due to upbringing - parents with no control and lots of excuses - and even them many of the are fine with me as I'm clear and firm and it's often not a big telling off needed but more subtle behavior. Some aren't though especially if the parents are type not to let others have boundaries and think world should fit round their child and some kids just have personalities that are more difficult or don't mesh well with some others.

I have three boys. None of them behave as OP describes, however, I do see some of her point. I think expectations of my kids to help at gatherings is low because they are boys. I always remind them to ask the host at least once what they can do to help and, at the very least, help clear the table when the meal is done because generally older relatives will not involve them. The rest of the behaviour you describe is not boy specific, it’s just poor parenting. Perhaps these boys’ parents are influenced by their sex, but that’s not the boys’ fault.

I find my two boys (9 and 12) perfectly easy to get on with and I don’t recognise any of the behaviour mentioned in your OP. Also their male friends are lovely and polite, in fact I always feel it’s the girls who are silently judging me and make me uncomfortable. It’s whatever you’re used to I suppose.

edited for typos made whilst eating biscuits

Very sexist and stereotypical OP! It’s down to the individual child and parenting they have received, not their sex. Very sad to see this generalisation.

You complain about people “hitting back with gross stereotypes about women” but don’t seem to be able to see that you did the exact same thing to boys.

I will say, that having worked in primary schools, by far the most unpleasant behaviour from children came from the girls in my classes. That doesn’t mean that all girls could be horrible and boys lovely. It is down to the individual.

If you are expecting boys to not be as nice, then you will look for examples to support this and overlook other evidence.