why is it hard to like other people’s boy children

[Halfmunch]

I am a mother to girls, and have no brothers and I admit I don’t have much experience of raising or being around boys. The boys in my life I can find them overwhelming, frustrating and to be honest, self centred and lazy.

However, I am wondering if this is related to how people parent the boys, and a patriarchal society rather than the boys - as in it’s not their fault, they were not born this way. Is this something other parents have noticed, like Little Prince Syndrome?

My husband has a 12yo son and even after 5 years I struggle to bond with him. I have 2 x 9yo nephews and I also struggle with them. All 3 kids have different parents.

The boys are all overbearing in conversations - yell and talk over everyone else and already at their age ?!? mansplain and refuse to accept explanations or answers, challenging everything, ie. They all seem to ‘know better’ when a female answers a question and all have very singular topics they are only interested in, not interested in other people really. Step son is obsessed with football, so everything you do has to centre around that, and if it doesn’t, he’s completely disinterested in anything else and just mopes about.

I notice the boys all seem to opt out of clearing up, after a meal finished they will return to either talking about their chosen topic without noticing everyone else is clearing up, or go do their own activity, and have to be asked/reminded to do even minor tasks such as take a plate to the kitchen. I often watch them at family parties and while everyone else is pitching in, they have wandered off kicking a ball around quietly and when asked to help ‘oh I didn’t realise…’ however if it’s something slightly dangerous, they will barge in and get in your way even if you don’t want them to help they feel entitled to ‘help’ like SS demanding to be allowed to ‘light the BBQ’ unsupervised

They are nice boys, but I often read posts on here about people’s useless husbands, and think hmm well, there seems to be an awful lot of these males around… and it probably starts young!

My DH often feels frustrated as he’s very much an equal partner with a female, and believes in equality. He feel like he’s always nagging his son to try to get him to learn about life but many females seem to enable this! DH’s mum acts like SS is made of china, and my mum is the same with my nephew.

Is there a way we can tackle this as society?

You're right - it is parenting and your husband is your step-son's parent, so tell him to do better.

This post is just so ridiculous. People not having kids for fear of the gender 🤦🏻‍♀️ what has this world come to . Utter madness
I have both and a stepson and nephews and I can assure anyone boys and girls do the same , my step son has the kindest heart in the world , this being said my girls are much harder work , boys are easier soooo much easier , they are cuddlier and kinder too . Or that’s my own reality and the reality if most of my friends who have both genders. My girls have the looks of an angel , the stubbornness of a mule , memory of a elephant and the temperament of Godzilla. I dare any guy treat them bad in the future …

I appreciate your honesty on this topic

I am 😂 (I wrote this)

My husband has a 12yo son and even after 5 years I struggle to bond with him. Why on earth did you marry his father?
The problem is you.

Good on you. People are literally talking about male behaviour in childhood on this very thread and people are falling over themselves to defend, excuse and deflect.

People by and large are raising and socialising their girls differently and some girls being 'brats' isn't comparable with the population level issues with men. An example of which starts here, right now, on this thread, with women unable to stand hearing it.

Any child that is overindulged and never reeled in is going to end up entitled and worse.

I know a few boys like that. But I know many more that aren't, and are growing up to be lovely young men.

I would just love to see how perfect your daughter's are IRL.
You say you have no experience of boys and start such a goody post- I would love to chat to other mums on your school run get get their views on you, girls can also be vile.
I have both, I also have a husband who can actually manage both and bring them up well, I feel sorry for your SS.

Hmmmm. I'm not that keen on other children full stop, except my own. They all seem a bit annoying. But looking at it more objectively, I dont agree with you. Some kids (and adults) are more badly behaved and self centred than others and that seems to be an individual thing not a gendered thing.

I have a boy (who had mostly boy pals) and a girl (who had mostly girl pals) and so a lot of kids have passed through our house over the years. I also have two nephews and one niece. Of all the kids so far the rudest, loudest and most demanding one was a girl who was my daughter's best friend for several years. I'd literally feel myself tensing up when she arrived and thinking oh thank God when she went home. (Daughter now has an absolutely lovely best friend.) Nephews were more boisterous and loud than niece but she was more whiney and demanding. The nicest, politest and most helpful child-visitor was the child of a uni friend of mine. Not only was he a boy but, shock horror, also an only child!

So your theory doesn't match my experience.

You've posted as if just because you feel a certain way about boys, everybody does

I don't think its common to dislike male children. I think that sadly that is just something that you struggle with

I went to an all girls secondary, and believe me there was a lot of disruptive behaviour.

Most couples discuss the matter and obviously the final decision is the woman's; I was merely questioning whether the male involved was allowed to express an opinion.

It comes with having a boy as a first born….

Your are extrapolating from a small sample. You are seeing negativity in boys that you ignore in girls but is a function of age. And mainly it's because you don't know many.

OP I think your original post was worded badly but you're not overall wrong. Patriachy doesn't appear in a vacuum and I am increasingly of the opinion that there's both nature AND nurture at play. Much to my irritation as a die hard believer in children are children, there was always a difference in the boys even as toddlers. But I have always thought that meant we needed to pay even more attention to how we raise them.

DH was a SAHD when that was still pretty unusual so he was with the DC a LOT and interacted with a lot of other parents. He was gobsmacked by how often he'd be out with DS and he'd hear comments like, "You're crying like a little girl" or "don't kick like a girl" or, when boys were fighting, "boys will be boys" so it starts early. I've long believed that the reason women are often more cautious drivers and more likely to struggle with parking etc is because this sort of thing continues all the way through - boys are basiaclly forced to learn and if htey're scared, tough, while girls are allowed to be scared and not as good. So its constant and relentless and it's NOT just the parents, it's across society and activities.

My DS was always laregr and taller than the other children, but he was young for his age group. So I started teaching him about the concept of consent from when he was about 2. Obviously not to do with sex, but I needed him tounderstand that because he was bigger, it was easy for him to do things to other people and maybe not realise that they didn't like it. I've mentioned this to people a few times and it's ALWAYS the other boy mums who are shocked. It seems obvious to me - boys are bigger, my boy is bigger still, good parenting means i have to teach him that this means he needs to be responsible.

And perhaps because, for whatever reason, boys do often need to be asked to do things repeatedly, it does sometimes feel easier just to do it yourself. As a parent of a boy, I know I often have to force myself to just calmly restate my request with the expectation it will be done because it's so bloody tiring asking over and over again.

I would also ask how old your DDs are though? Becuase they're not all sweetness and light forever either!

I have 2 dd's and have certain worries pertaining to male entitlement etc.

But, I don't recognise what you are talking about. I have young nephews and I have friends with sons, and I simply don't see sass from them the way I do with girls. Though I do recognise we have a collective responsibility to be aware, present and watchful over our children - in terms of influence and the company they keep.

It is fine and right to keep having these discussions, but let's not make it a boy vs girl thing.

Incidentally OP, I was reading about the death of the influencer in London and couldn't help but worry about the vanity, fame seeking, toxic pursuits of young women nowadays.

I’m mooching onto MN reading about other people’s useless selfish husbands

It is a website used predominantly by women. You are not going to get posts singing the praises of people's husbands really are you? It's only when there is a problem people post

You seem very dismissive of your stepson, he wanted to help light the bbq, which at age 12 he could’ve done with close supervision by you. You denigrate him for not helping but when he offers to help you dismiss him outright and complain about it.

The barbecue story is interesting. Why wasn’t it safe for him to light the barbecue unsupervised? If it’s because he wanted to do it with a petrol can then YANBU. If it’s simply because he’s twelve then YABU. A twelve year old should be able to light a barbecue.

I wonder if this story is illustrative. In my totally subjective experience, mothers of only girls are sometimes surprised by boys and their “risky” behaviour. Fathers/mothers of boys may be more used to it. I wonder if what was going on in that story was tension about different levels of risk tolerance. Your stepson thought he should be able to light the barbecue, you thought it was too risky for a twelve year old, your DH backed you up because you’re his wife, but would probably have let SS get on with if if you weren’t there. SS was annoyed because you were the blocker to something he would otherwise have been allowed to do.

Boys are fine! I will say this though, my nephew 7, can be a veritable Tasmanian devil! He is 7 though and has calmed down in past year. Girls have equal energy, I was lively at that age too at times. It’s called being a kid.

Sounds like it’s you tbh

Yes, this too. Also, all teens and pre-teens think they know everything and can do evertthing, and boys do seem to be even more open to risk! :) A slightly obnixious 12 year old telling you he can do something is pretty normal. And similarly I get lectures from my 11 year old DD on skin care on a regular basis and I had a devil of a time a year or two ago to make her understand tha tno, I was not buying her products with lots of active ingredients!!

SMOG alert (smug mother of only girls)

I've taught primary for 15 years and have taught some delightful boys and annoying girls and visa versa.

I’ve always found it much easier to get on with boys, generally.

Horses for courses I think.

This post is almost as annoying as the original. My boys are nice to spend time with (no, not just me saying it, several neighbours too) but it's not because they're "not typical boys." I would be upset to hear that language used about girls and I don't think it's good to use it about boys either.