To think choosing to spend Mother’s Day without your kids is weird

[InkyB]

DH’s ex has emailed us to let us know she’s planned her holidays next year and to ask us to accommodate. We usually have DSC every other weekend and half the school holidays plus Wednesday nights, and we have a draft plan for next year already, but are usually flexible both ways. She books her holidays very early because she’s far more organised than us!

One of the holidays she’s booked is a four night trip over Mother’s Day, so we’d have them Weds-Sun evening. It wasn’t supposed to be our weekend at all.

For context the children involved will be (future ages) DSS11, DSD10, our DD3 and she has a DS4.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by this?

Firstly DSC both have clubs on Sunday morning so it’d mean being out with one of them all morning, cooking a rushed lunch then DH driving them back in the late afternoon and getting back after DD’s bedtime.
Secondly, DSC are often mopey about their mum doing stuff with her youngest and not them, so it’d be a weekend of reassuring them and pretending Mother’s Day doesn’t exist.
Finally, I’d like a Mother’s Day where DH’s focus is on me and our child, not running around after his ex?

At 10 and 11? Really, you fretted to your teacher about spending next year’s MD with your DM? The woman with whom you already spend most of your time?

Looking after his own children isn't 'running about after his ex'.

Yes she is weird and quite unpleasant doing this to her children. I hope it comes back to bite her when they are older.
I would just plan a weekend away with just you and your child and leave your DH to deal with his children.
And maybe inform her that you will not be taking her children the following year on mothering Sunday. Get ahead and book something, so you aren't available.

Aren’t your DSC invited to your cousins wedding along with your DC?

Tbf if it is the OP’s cousin, why would they be?

She’s married to a man with children, they come as a unit. If DH and her own DC are invited, then DSC should be also.

I’m in a blended family, if we go to an event with my children, i’d be inviting my DSC too as she’s part of our family. If DSC aren’t involved in family events, it reinforces segregation and that they aren’t really part of the family.

Tbf neither of the actual parents apparently want to spend too much time with their original children now they have each had kids separately.

It sounds like you love your stepchildren and that you have nailed the blended family thing. Sadly others aren’t so accommodating.

I have been shocked by the attitude of the parents towards their children on this thread, apparently the mother only has them living with her for money and their presence is an inconvenience to their father. It sounds like the children they both have with their new partner takes precedence.

But there’s a difference between inviting your cousin, husband and child to inviting them plus the cousin’s stepchildren if they don’t know them.

This thread is bonkers! The OP has made it clear that it would be a miserable day because the DSC would be unhappy and not wanting to celebrate and yet the number of people on here suggesting that OP and her DSC (and probably her DC who wouldn't get to do anything nice for mother's day) should all suffer so that the DM gets what she wants is insane.

Also, reading comprehension is worryingly poor. One of the DSC was sad at school about not seeing their mum on a past Mother's Day. Not this future one that they don't know about, and not at their current ages.

Good for you for saying no, OP. How sad for the DSC that she wants to celebrate with their little sibling and not them.

‘Sorry ex, I’ve been organised for a change and planned something for that weekend as it’s not the usual time I’d have DC! All the best’

No, because they’ve never met. We have already RSVPd to come, because it’s not scheduled to be our weekend with DSC.

Regardless of what DSC’s mum thinks, we don’t just turn off and go into a cupboard when DSC aren’t here.

I initially voted you are being unreasonable because I think (and still think) it’s no drama to shift Mother’s Day to another weekend. However after reading through your responses, I think your step kids’ mum and her new husband sound dreadful. Who takes a child’s mother away from them on Mother’s Day to just celebrate with new child?!

So absolutely tell them to go hang. She will just have to suck up spending mother’s day with all her kids.

Yep. You are not wrong that she’s being unfair. You are well within your rights to push back on this with your spouse. I just don’t know how much you can change about the day. I understand an empathize with him wanting to get as much time with his kids as he can. Frankly, it sounds like he needs to go back to court. Especially since her decisions to not spend holidays with the kids are hurting the kids.
But all you can control is what you do with Mother’s Day with all three kids. And I think it’s fair to tell the kids that you are a mom, and this day matters to you, and you would like to celebrate it with all three of the kids. And you have a good part of the year to work with your husband and your kids to make sure that you get the holiday you want with them there. That’s about the only piece that you can control.

You see, different people see Mothers Day in different ways, and there is no 'correct' way:
Some see it as a chance for the mums to relax and do nothing, eg the dad could take the kids off her hands.
Others see it as a day for mum and kids to spend time together doing something special.
Some mums include their own mum, and partner's mum.
It's complicated, especially with blended families!
It's clearly an important day to you, OP, and to some people it's not a big deal at all.
Some would say it's more about the joy for the kids making a card and gift, rather than the joy for the mum receiving it.

Let DH take the DSC to their clubs. That'll give you some time with your DD when she can give you a card and treats. Then I'm afraid I think you should suck it up, and just have a normal afternoon with the DSC and all of you.... you could still do something nice but not be going on about mothers day as it will be hard for the DSC.... and I think kids' feelings trump adults' feelings.

Ah I've just seen that you've said no to the ex. Fair enough.

I think my point still stands though about people seeing it in their own ways.
x

@InkyB I’m really sorry to keep asking this because it’s really just for my info rather than any sort of dig at you. I want to know if the way I do it is odd!

How do you know what dates are “supposed” to be yours and “supposed” to be hers before you’ve discussed it/ anyone has sent proposed dates through?

Do the dates just roll through from one year to the next, ie you keep counting weekends off and on over the summer holidays?

My exh and I split the summer holidays down the middle, and I usually take the second half (although won’t be in 2027, and we have already agreed that). But that acts as a sort of “start again” line for us, and the weekends for the next academic year are then agreed, but not necessarily as though we’d continued going “off/on” over the summer. Does that make sense?

So at the moment we’re agreed up until end of summer hols 2027, but no one would consider a weekend after that to be “theirs” or “not theirs”

Edit - we can obviously then ask for swaps once the weekends are agreed, but this does at least give us a default to work from.

And if it was the weekend before or after so dad’s weekend. Would they be invited

Yea it is weird she doesn’t want to spend Mother’s Day with her children.

Awful that’s she’s going away with the youngest on Mothers Day and leaving the older two out!

Came here to say this. Just move Mother’s Day . A 3 yr old won’t care.

I think if you posted this in your OP you’d have an entirely different set of responses.

You first said you had them EOW plus Wednesdays but you’ve somehow managed to have them for all special occasions? So what exactly is the arrangement?

My ex’s dad has our kids a similar amount and out of your list he’s only had them on Mother’s Day and NY, and that’s only because that’s the way the arrangement has fallen. Do you really count Valentine’s Day 🤣 a complete non event after you have kids surely.

This! Clearly stepdad wants "just his" kid there and step mum wants weekend with "just her kid"
People should stop blending families if they arent willing to actually blend them.
Poor kids!

It’s weird she is going with one child and not both, especially as it’s her weekend to have them. While we make Mother’s Day and fathers days special, we are not precious about the day it’s celebrated and many years, including this one, we have postponed Mother’s Day as march is a busy month for us with birthdays.

You just make the following weekend your Mother’s Day.

Shouldnt have married a man with kids already then!
them poor kids!!!

I'm not the OP but have 50/50 so alternate weekends and I just put the days in my Google calendar as recurring every two weeks. So, I can look ahead to any weekend and see who's where.

It generally still works out ok for splitting the summer down the middle (3 weeks/3 weeks). I think there was one year it didn't work well so we split a weekend at the start of September but otherwise kept the recurring schedule. Makes it much easier to plan ahead.

I have a friend in France who does the same 50/50 rotation as me (5-2-5-2) but they have a court order that dictates even and odd years.

E.g. even years (2026) following UK holidays would be something like:
Easter: week 1 = parent A, week 2 = parent B
Summer: weeks 1&2 parent A, weeks 3&4 parent B, week 5 parent A, week 6 parent B
Christmas: week 1 parent A, week 2 parent B

Odd years (2027) this is reversed.

I'm not sure if it's exactly that or if they alternate first half/second half of holidays across the year, so parent A gets first week in spring, parent B gets first bit of summer, back to parent B at Christmas and then reversed the following year.

And I can't remember the arrangement for one-week school holidays.

But it's carefully balanced to ensure each parent gets an equal turn at week 1 or 2 (or various summer weeks) over time.

Hope I've explained that well and it's helpful.

I think if she says that then the kids are old enough to hear your reply that you absolutely do want them, but you know that they don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day with you, because they’ve told you so in previous years. So in this case you’re saying no because you think it’s in their best interest. Because you think Mother’s Day is important and you know you want to be celebrated, and you know that they do want to celebrate…. But not with you. So you are trying to arrange it that they can celebrate it with the mother they want to celebrate. It’s a way for everyone to get what they want.
I hope your husband agrees and you are able to change the date. Although you could always celebrate Mother’s Day in May with the Americans too :)

Yes that sounds fine as long as DH is okay with it. It’s a made up commercial day, you sound ridiculous.