To cancel the sleepover?

[MyWildOliveGoose]

To start, my DD15 attendance at school is extremely low, and they’re on my back about it. This week she’d asked for a friend to stay over on Friday night, and I clearly said “if you go to school every day this week, yes.. but if you have any days where you refuse to go in for any reason, no.”

Today she’s come on her period, if this had happened tomorrow she would have popped some paracetamol and got on with it, but instead she’s point blank refusing to go in and said that if I cancel the sleepover because of her period, I’m a bitch.

I am more swayed to cancel, because of the agreement and because of her attitude, but I do understand her periods are heavy and painful. AIBU?

I would like to say that totally separate from the sleepover please do get her looked at for the painful periods.

i had extremely painful periods and they got worse and it turned out to be endo and I had massive difficulty conceiving due to it not being treated through all my teenage years.

is she being prescribed any meds?

Of course you need to cancel. If she had good attendance and was struggling with her period as a one off that's different - but she doesn't want to go to school anyway so this seems like an excuse.

Edited to say I hadn't read your update to maybe this is a bit harsh, on reflection!

If she's not feeling unwell enough to go to school then she won't be able to enjoy the sleepover tomorrow night either. So I would pose cancelling it as concern for her welfare and wellbeing rather than punishment as such. But she learns that her actions have consequences.

Tomorrow is Friday

Tell her you’ve cancelled her sleepover because she called you a bitch, it’s totally out of order. If she hadn’t have done that I’d have said let her have the sleepover as it’s clear she’s not skipping school just to get drunk in a park or something, shes clearly struggling with her health and presumably health anxiety. But that doesn’t excuse calling you a bitch so no sleepover.

You didn’t mention any of that in your OP.
Tell your family to mind their own business. You have a child that calls you a bitch - your parenting needs to be strict!

Read the room people 🙄. The dd said that the op would be a bitch if she cancels the sleepover. Heavy periods are absolutely hell. And if she was at a school like mine was you would nearly bleed through because they wouldn’t let you go toilet. give her the sleepover

She called you a what now? It is telling that her calling you a bitch was not the reason that made you rethink. You need to look at how you have got to a place in which it is acceptable to be called this by you child and do something to change it. My DC are 21 and 22 and have never ever spoken to me like that, period or no period.

Cancel the sleepover without a second thought.

Since missing school is due to illness not anything else, I'd be inclined to go ahead with the sleepover if you can agree another goal instead - she goes in every day next week or something else.
Of course, she could have sleepover and then not go in next week but if she did that, she would have lost your trust. You could explain that as well.

However, if you want to cancel the sleepover then just do it, pretty much the whole thread agrees with that.

Oh yeah. Long week!

But yes, rest still stands. It’s your DD deciding not to have the sleepover if she chooses not to attend school, not you. Make sure she knows this. She’s being a bitch to herself!

Jesus, no kid would call me like that in my house.
I'd not only cancel the sleepover. I would at least take away her phone too until she learns to behave.
It's hair-raising how we allow our kids to treat us these days.

I would have her take an anti inflammatory like ibuprofen instead of paracetomol, the GP could prescribe her something stronger for the heavy periods.
The outburst of swearing could be PMT - I feel really depressed and rubbish two days before my period starts, but she needs to learn how to manage it.

Given your update it Sounds like her absences are due to illness so putting in that rule was harsh. But my previous point still stands about her calling you names.

😳she called you a bitch?!

This poor lass is struggling with her health.
Maybe you need to tell her how you sympathise with her over all this. Tell her the sleepover can go ahead if she apologises for calling you a bitch.
Is she getting all possible input for her medical and pain problems.... they are a huge blight on her young life.

Jesus H Christ

she's clearly not well (in general) she's not bunking off to drink down the park. Her lie attendance would be the least of my worries.

all those women saying they went to school with their periods (me too) aren't her & were unlikely to have been having investigations into their periods.

schools are not a good place to be dealing with heavy periods, you can't just go quickly to the bathroom & you can't sit comfortably or lie down.

poor kid hasn't asked to be unwell & have massively heavy periods. She's not just bunking off school.

i don't agree with her calling you a bitch, but I do actually agree with her feelings about it. You're not being fair.

Ah a lovely dripfeed.

The actual agreement was a bit crazy then in the first place? It's not like she's skipping school because she can't be arsed, she is missing school because she is very poorly... so to make an agreement on the basis she goes to school everyday (which isn't always in her control) is absolutely extreme IMO.

It worries me though that you don't have an issue with her calling you a bitch though...

No school no sleepover. Her choice.

I did have this conversation with her this morning, I said I completely understand how hard her periods are and reminded her of our action plan for them should they interfere with school. Hot water bottle in bag, spare clothes, pain meds etc and the school are aware she will come to them to change clothes, refill hot water bottle and for pain meds as needed.

At that point she began refusing and I then reminded her of our agreement to the sleepover, to which she responded “if you cancel the sleepover you’re a bitch” - I let this go in the moment, as my sister has PMDD and my GP have suggested this could be the case here, it’s all being investigated. So whilst I’m not excusing it, I am aware.

I have left it for now as she’s sleeping it off, but when she wakes up I will be revisiting our action plan for cycle, her resilience to attending school on the harder days (her future employers are unlikely to care about a heavy period), the bitch comment as that was unacceptable in my opinion, and the pending sleepover topic.

Did she call you a bitch though, or did she say if you cancelled you sleepover you would be being a bitch?

I think it is an important distinction. One is her being incredibly rude and I would cancel the sleepover, the other is rude but it’s really not the same. Only you know the context. There is a big difference between telling a person not to act like a bitch, than telling him they are one for example.

anyway if her absence from school is all genuine, and you know that her periods are an issue, as someone who has suffered immensely in the past with their periods and pain, I would say that this should be treated as a genuine issue too and cancelling would be unfair. If she is just refusing to go and it isn’t a real issue or she has attendance issues that aren’t related to real illnesses then you should cancel.

I think it comes down to whether or not the punishment fits the crime…did she do something wrong, or did she act a bit poorly…is she skipping, or genuinely unwell? If it is the latter in those scenarios then I would let her have it, if it is the former then I would cancel.

only you know whether she deserves to be punished though, and don’t let anyone else tell you whether you are being to harsh, unless you are being radically different to others and it is negatively impacting your daughter’s wellbeing then it is none of their business

For me, it's depends on her approach when she wakes up. She shouldn't have called you a bitch, but ee all say things in the heat of the moment- especially when you include pain, embarrassment, heakth anxiety type behaviours. For me, the follow up is what counts.

I think your plan of revisiting the school plan and trying to develop her resilience is understandable. I think if she can have a mature conversation when she wakes up would make the decision for me whether the sleepover goes ahead.

Yes, we were all made to suffer school through our periods. Doesn't make it okay. She's going through a lot so support (which you are doing), open conversation and steps in rhe right direction is what I would reward.

Serious question but how would you "horse" your child out the door? How can you physically make a 15 year old get up and go to school.

I just want to point out one thing as a fellow endo sufferer...It is not JUST heavy period.... it is heavy, painful and affects the whole body. It can be completely debilitating.
That doesn't excuse her calling you a bitch but again, being in pain doesn't always make you rational.
And actually in some cases endometriosis falls under the disabilities act so yes, an employer would have to care

Yup.

Be a bitch and cancel.

She is a brat and she’s getting away with it. Time to stand ur ground.