AIBU to think evening-only invites for close family are odd?

[Autumnbreeze84]

AIBU to think that my partners family and their wedding situation is… a bit weird?

Just as the title says really - not sure if this is how “bigger” families operate as I come from a very small immediate family circle so wanted to get thoughts!

My partners cousin (his mums, sisters’ son) is getting married in August in a typical “holiday” destination in the UK. They sent out invitations with a link to RSVP, only to find out that the invites for all of my partners family are for the evening party only??

I just want to stress that this destination is around a 5 hour drive from us as the closest family members to the destination, with many of the family living even further away (some 8+ hours….)

Extra info - partners mum is one of 4 siblings, all of whom have partners / husbands. There are two cousins, my partner and another cousin who has a partner too. Looking at numbers of the what I would call “immediate family” this would be 12 including partners AND kids!

The message in the family group chat to follow the invite was, we have limited space at the reception so only close friends and family are invited. I’m not sure that I completely follow this logic, would his aunties and cousins not be considered close family? Another odd message was then from the grooms MUM asking what time the evening party started?

AIBU to this this is really, really odd to be given no actual explanation to his immediate family as to why they haven’t been invited to the ceremony? It’s at a venue that I can see online hosts up to 200 people, with space for 50 at a wedding ceremony…

A small break-off group has now formed from the family chat discussing how they can’t / won’t be attending just for the party given the distance and costs involved, but they would have really loved to have gone to the actual ceremony!!

Sounds like they've put friends ahead of family which I suppose is fair enough but I wouldn't be travelling 5 hours and paying accommodation for a party.

I think it depends what “close” means. You could say your brother should be “close” family but you might rarely talk to him. So no longer makes him close.

I don’t personally find it weird to be invited evening only as a cousin, especially due to numbers and what not but at a 5 hour drive I’d probably decline if it was going to cost me too much in accommodation and what not.

Presumably it’s cost. They’re more than welcome to not pay for you to attend the reception even if the venue could hold you. You’re more than welcome to decline such a big trip for an evening event.

I don't think cousins automatically count as "close family". I have two cousins. I last saw one of them about 4 years ago but we exchange Christmas cards, and the other about 20 years ago and have had no contact at all. Both my cousins came to my wedding, but didn't go to any of my siblings' weddings. neither of them are married but I wouldn't expect to be invited and probably wouldn't go if I was.

adding to my comment, I wouldn’t say my aunties uncles or cousins are my immediate family and we don’t see them much but I guess everyone’s different

They might be cousins but are they close?

Cousins aren’t immediate or close family members.

I'd consider close family to be people I see regularly and have a close relationship with. It wouldn't be defined by whether they were a cousin or an aunt etc.

I have a huge extended family, DH and I had 120 people at our wedding, if I'd invited all aunties, uncles and cousins that would have been my entire half of the guestlist without inviting a single friend. I think it's entirely reasonable of them to prioritise who they invite. But it's also entirely reasonable to decline an evening only invitation when the event is so far away.

Presumably they mean family they are close with, rather than close family members. Their wedding and their choice. It’s your choice to go or not, it’s not a legal requirement! Im far closer with my friends than majority of my family

I wouldn't call cousins close family. However I don't blame you for not wanting to make a five hour journey for an evening invitation. I wouldn't.

Cousins are a “duty” invite with no expectation of attendance in my experience.

I'm just here for the "Where in the UK is 8+ hours from anywhere?" faux naive comments.

To me close family depends on how often you see the person. My female cousin is the closest person to me after my husband and she was my matron of honour however her brother I haven’t seen or heard from for 8 years so she came to the day, night and meal the night before, he was invited to the evening only! I wasn’t going to invite someone I never see but who is deemed ‘close family’ over friends I see regularly! To me family isn’t always about blood!

Immediate family is parents, grandparents, siblings.

With aunts/cousins it depends on how close you actually are. As a cousin I was at the main ceremony once, evening only the other time and not at all with another one. No hard feelings in any case, it was what made sense at each specific opportunity.

In this case the issue isn't evening only, it is the distance.
It's ok to decide that it's too far for joining as evening only.

Close family I would view as parents, grandparents, siblings. Cousins are extended family. And most people aren’t particularly close to their cousins in adulthood unless they’re close in age, live local or something else in common and then it would only usually be that particular one not all of your cousins. It’s completely fine for the couple to prioritise close family and friends. It’s also fine for you not to want to travel that far for just the evening. So by all means wish them well and decline the invite.

If the wedding it’s self can only accommodate 50, then a family with so many cousins (plus their dps) would not be able to be accommodated within a small gathering, saying no cousins is easier than cherry picking who. It’s fine to decline

Thanks all, it’s just really interesting to think about. Family dynamics / relationships definitely play into this (IMO) - I have a very different (much more “friendly / chatty”) relationship with my cousins in comparison to my partner so I can absolutely see where you’re coming from with that. It makes me kind of sad for some of the aunties as they have been really quite put out and upset by it all, which I totally understand. If I’m honest it maybe could have been handled a bit better / before now but I’m not one to judge!!

I think evening only invites are weird, period. Either invite people to see your marriage or don’t. I don’t want to come to a disco and miss all the important bits.

I’ve only ever been to one wedding with evening invites (I was one). It was for a couple we met through our NCT class, so they were in our baby group that all met up during mat leave. They had a small wedding because just had a baby and on mat pay, which was totally understandable. I was a friend of less than a year from our baby group. It was 40 minutes away. I went, alone, Dh stayed with the baby, had some cheese and crackers with the other evening invite baby group mums, and a coke from the cash bar, and came home!

We have been invited to some cousin’s weddings and not to others. I wasn’t offended. I looked at the photos on Facebook. But was grateful I didn’t need to pay to go to the Isle of Skye for a week for that. I agree, I think it’s weird for family or anyone who isn’t local and super tangential to the couple.

@Mochudubh it takes me 9 hours to ride (motorcycle) to Aberdeen, similar to Aviemore therefore I’m guessing it’s about 8 hours from the NE eg Newcastle to Torquay/Paignton a typical uk holiday destination and there’s a couple of hotels that specialise in weddings

When was the last time you and your DP spent one on one time with the cousin and his other half? Even on the phone/facetime/whatsapp chat?

If it’s more than 6-12 months ago, I’d venture you’re not close.

Agree - my partner and his cousin WhatsApp regularly, I’d say on a weekly basis. I haven’t been invited at all (I’m not put out, I don’t know him!!)

I wouldn’t call cousins close family members. And frankly my friends are definitely closer to me than my cousins! So if your DH isn’t that close then that’s that. I DID invite all my relatives to my wedding as it was big, the only wedding in our family (my siblings have not married) and I know my parents wanted to invite them all. On my DH side he only invited immediate family. Now I haven’t seen most of my cousins since (and I married 23 years ago) except at two funerals.
But I really do not get this segregated wedding thing. Is it only in the UK? I’d either invite to the whole thing or not at all.

I wouldn't call cousins close. I'd say parents, siblings and grandparents are close, aunt and uncles at a push.
We didn't even get an evening invite to one of DH's cousins weddings recently. And I haven't for one of my cousins later in the year.

Just because a venue states it hold a certain numbers doesn't mean that the bride and groom have chosen an option that allows the max number either.

I haven't seen my cousins in over 40 years! I would always choose friends over family I rarely see. However, I wouldn't travel 5 hours for an evening do, and to be honest they don't expect you to. It was a token invite.

I have 22 cousins 17 are married. I have been to precisely one of their weddings ( and had 2 at mine.) My parents did go to most but not all of the weddings though.