AIBU to think evening-only invites for close family are odd?

[Autumnbreeze84]

AIBU to think that my partners family and their wedding situation is… a bit weird?

Just as the title says really - not sure if this is how “bigger” families operate as I come from a very small immediate family circle so wanted to get thoughts!

My partners cousin (his mums, sisters’ son) is getting married in August in a typical “holiday” destination in the UK. They sent out invitations with a link to RSVP, only to find out that the invites for all of my partners family are for the evening party only??

I just want to stress that this destination is around a 5 hour drive from us as the closest family members to the destination, with many of the family living even further away (some 8+ hours….)

Extra info - partners mum is one of 4 siblings, all of whom have partners / husbands. There are two cousins, my partner and another cousin who has a partner too. Looking at numbers of the what I would call “immediate family” this would be 12 including partners AND kids!

The message in the family group chat to follow the invite was, we have limited space at the reception so only close friends and family are invited. I’m not sure that I completely follow this logic, would his aunties and cousins not be considered close family? Another odd message was then from the grooms MUM asking what time the evening party started?

AIBU to this this is really, really odd to be given no actual explanation to his immediate family as to why they haven’t been invited to the ceremony? It’s at a venue that I can see online hosts up to 200 people, with space for 50 at a wedding ceremony…

A small break-off group has now formed from the family chat discussing how they can’t / won’t be attending just for the party given the distance and costs involved, but they would have really loved to have gone to the actual ceremony!!

We didn’t invite DH cousins to the day do (to be fair he has about 20 maybe more) most had partners and some kids. To invite them all would have been over 40 extra guests. The aunts and uncles were numerous but we did invite to the day (his dad was one of eight and his mum one of four). He didn’t see them regularly and sadly it was a financial decision.

I wouldn’t say cousin is particularly close unless they hang out a lot. My cousins weren’t even invited to my wedding. We don’t live near each other and only really see each other at funerals.

My husband's cousin invited us to their wedding celebration this summer. It's in a Mediterranean country and it's from 6pm. Needless to say we won't be going.

Definitely wouldn’t expect to be invited to a limited numbers ceremony as cousins unless close.

Evening invites are for local people. Expecting people to travel a whole day and you don’t even feed them is taking the piss. DH worked for a big company and we went to loads when we were younger, was a night out.

my ex friend only invited us to her evening do (her choice) but invited our other friends who travelled 5 hours to be there - she never even came to say hello to them and they never saw the groom as he was hiding in a different room. What a waste of other peoples time.

Where is the ceremony? If it’s in a church you may be able to go anyway. How about you all book a family meal at a pub and then go to the evening do?

Couains are not naturally close family.

Space for 50 at wedding ceremony is not a lot if they have close family and friends there. Their wedding, their choice. But I suppose they must know people won't attend just for that.

I'd consider close family to be children, parents and siblings. And probably grandparents.

Cousins, aunts and uncles I would consider to be extended family. And in wedding terms, including these categories of relative can make your numbers spiral.

It sounds like they want to have a small wedding and a larger evening celebration. And are not that fussed about the extended family and it's more of a "duty" invite.

Immediate family is parents, siblings and children, and then spouses. Cousins are not immediate family. If they aren't close and it's a small wedding I think it's fine, not sure if id travel that far for someone in not close to.

Just don’t go, it’s their wedding, their choice. My cousin invited me to evening only in Wales, I live south coast. I declined, they were fine, no drama.

Crikey. They've just gone rogue for the guest list haven't they? Risky. I would expect that a second wave of invitations will be issued to make up numbers.

Yes instead of ‘close’, I think perhaps ‘immediate family’ is a better way to think of it, which would be parents, siblings, grandparents. And then maybe a few close friends. We only had immediate family plus a couple of friends, no cousins or aunts or anything. We didn’t have an evening do but I don’t find them as offensive as many on here. If it’s impractical it’s fine not to go, but I wouldn’t lose sleep or be offended over it.

I have my cousins on fb and exchanged an email with one of them about 15 years ago. I'm early forties and last saw one of them when I was ten, another even younger!

Close is who you feel close to not close as in family relations IMO. I'd not invite my cousins if I got married. They don't know me

I’d say close family is parents, children, siblings, nieces/ nephews, grandparents.
Aunts, uncles cousins are extended family. Fine to invite them but also reasonable to not.

My dd is getting married soon they are planning they are planning 20 people each. Dd has 7 close friends who she will invite so aunts/ uncles/ cousins will not make the cut. Her wedding, her choice.

I suspect they have said "no cousins" as a blanket rule rather than start a family argument about how x cousin is fine because they talk all the time but y cousin isn't because they only see them twice a year.

I remember making up extra invitations for my dad's relatives in his home country (10hr flight) for our wedding just because it was expected. Dad knew they wouldn't come. I knew they wouldn't come. They knew they wouldn't come. It was just the done thing out of politeness.

I'm guessing this is a similar thing.

I just think it’s a cultural change with weddings that used to be more a family occasion with only a few close friends going to the actual ceremony mainly as a wedding was seen as a time when family got together even if they didn’t see each other that much. Older family in particular seem to be missed out now. I read on here someone’s grandmother just got an evening invite as they weren’t close. Mad to me especially as friendship groups always change.

A lot of that change has come with who pays for the weddings. When my parents got married their parents paid, and so my parents were allowed three friends each, but their parents dictated the rest of the guest list. Whereas now most couples pay for the bulk of the event themselves, maybe with a small parental contribution so then want the guest list to reflect their own social circle

They may not have a big budget for the wedding, Inviting people to the ceremony and the meal is not cheap. The venue may be capable of hosting 200 people but they may only be inviting a dozen to the full event.

I meant weird not not invite cousins' partners to the evening and even weirder to not invite his own mother, if that's what has happened.

Cousins can be close family or not, depends on the family. But IMO evening only is rude unless the recipient lives locally and it’s basically just a night out for them - I see them as for colleagues, people from your choir or netball team or whatever. It’s not ok to ask people to travel 5 hours for a dance and a single drink/slice of cake. Better to have a local party back home afterwards for those who didn’t make the cut. I think people get finate budgets, it’s the wasteful use of their limited free time and disposable income that grates.

It's tricky. A cousin of dh sent us an invitation to the evening party of her wedding with a note to say that she'd love us to attend the church as well but due to costs could only invite cousins who were important to her to the reception. A complication was MIL was invited to the whole shebang, having lost her dh the year before and it was the first big event since his death, notwithstanding the fact that the wedding was in the same fancy pants church she and FiL had married in and to which there was a right to marry due to an historical connection.

The bride thought we'd hire babysitters from 11am to midnight, attend the ceremony, dressed for a wedding and then float about London from 1.30pm to 7.30pm to schlep to venue with a pay bar.

We declined. I have never been persuaded that she's anything other than an entitled moo. One of MILs sisters looked after her; the bride's family didn't offer.

For context it was an expensive wedding with about 100 guests. It was a poor show. It would have been more dignified if we had just been invited to the evening party. I've never understood why, if money was tight, there had to be an evening party on top.

@Autumnbreeze84 I don't think you are being unreasonable, it's been badly done.

Immediate family, to me, are grand parents. parents, siblings and their children from both bride and groom's family.
Extended family would be Aunts, Uncles, cousins.
Close friends are important inclusions.

Also family friends and close neighbours and godparents are often closer than extended family.
Some work mates qualify for an invitation.

You should not be offended. Go and enjoy the celebration.

Cousins and aunts and uncles aren't automatically close family.

We didn't even invite our cousins to our weddings (though we did invite aunts and uncles) - all our cousins and their partners and kids would have been an extra ~25 people and we only invited 50 total so it would have hugely increased the size and cost. We only see our cousins every few years and aren't close to their partners or kids at all.

Close family is parents, siblings and kids to me.

I can see both sides but I get why those invited to evening only might be disappointed, especially as the logistics mean it’s unlikely they will attend.

Mine was a small but close family and cousin’s wedding caused similar ructions. Turns out that all of the grooms family (apart from his parents) had evening only invites. Luckily we were local so able to make it but it did put noses out of joint as we were made to wait in a corner until the 200 plus guests had finished their meal. There were six of us in total so you do feel maybe accommodations could have been made but it was their wedding and their choice ultimately.

These do sound like duty invites I’m afraid. Hopefully the aunts will get over it and not cause too much of a fuss. I’d stay home and avoid the hassle.