AIBU to think evening-only invites for close family are odd?

[Autumnbreeze84]

AIBU to think that my partners family and their wedding situation is… a bit weird?

Just as the title says really - not sure if this is how “bigger” families operate as I come from a very small immediate family circle so wanted to get thoughts!

My partners cousin (his mums, sisters’ son) is getting married in August in a typical “holiday” destination in the UK. They sent out invitations with a link to RSVP, only to find out that the invites for all of my partners family are for the evening party only??

I just want to stress that this destination is around a 5 hour drive from us as the closest family members to the destination, with many of the family living even further away (some 8+ hours….)

Extra info - partners mum is one of 4 siblings, all of whom have partners / husbands. There are two cousins, my partner and another cousin who has a partner too. Looking at numbers of the what I would call “immediate family” this would be 12 including partners AND kids!

The message in the family group chat to follow the invite was, we have limited space at the reception so only close friends and family are invited. I’m not sure that I completely follow this logic, would his aunties and cousins not be considered close family? Another odd message was then from the grooms MUM asking what time the evening party started?

AIBU to this this is really, really odd to be given no actual explanation to his immediate family as to why they haven’t been invited to the ceremony? It’s at a venue that I can see online hosts up to 200 people, with space for 50 at a wedding ceremony…

A small break-off group has now formed from the family chat discussing how they can’t / won’t be attending just for the party given the distance and costs involved, but they would have really loved to have gone to the actual ceremony!!

I’ve got 40+ cousins. I would describe one of them as close in that we live near each other and meet up regularly. The rest I only see at family events, and wouldn’t describe them as close. I’d describe close family as parents, siblings, children and possibly grandparents and grandchildren.

I guess it’s the difference between genetically close and emotionally close.

Most people would rather allocate the spaces to good friends and not to relatives they see annually. No one can blame them for that.

It’s fine for invitees to decline the evening invitation if it doesn’t appeal or suit. It’s also fine to feel a bit disappointed. It’s not fine to bitch about the bride and groom in a WhatsApp group though, like the aunties are childishly doing.

I’d probably turn down an evening only invitation in these circumstances. Not as a “fuck you how dare you” but just because I wouldn’t be willing to travel that far for just the evening party.

But I get why they’ve done it. I have 17 cousins. If I were to invite all of them plus their partners, it would be over 30 extra heads, if I were to add in children you’d be up to about 45. Aunts and uncles are another 9.
Do you know how many cousins the bride has? Even if the groom doesn’t have loads, maybe she has a high number and so they’ve drawn a line at cousins.

I think it's rude to give an evening only invite to anyone that's not local, the absolute least you can do after expecting someone to pay for a hotel for the night is buy them dinner.

Different sized families have different relationships with different cousins. I'm close with mine but I had fewer cousins than siblings, we lived within a couple of miles, were similar ages and went to the same school, I still see them regularly in my 50s. They all were at our wedding. DH has 28 cousins, none were invited to our wedding because they live all over the place and so aren't as close. His aunts and uncles were all invited though (not all came).

I'd view the invite as a duty invite, send a polite decline and nice letter saying you hope they have a long and happy marriage and give it no further thought. The aunts and uncles should get a big airbnb together, have a nice weekend and make a polite show in the evening at the wedding.

Yeah, I know. It's just these types of posts (usually weddings) always bring out the "Where are you in the UK that it takes x hours to get to"? posters, like the OP must be making it up.

I'm sure there was one a little while ago where a poster claimed that Land's End to John O' Groats was only 500 miles (it's not) so the OP couldn't possibly be travelling 700+ miles to a wedding. (we don't live in Ancient Rome, roads aren't straight).

Sorry OP, didn't mean to derail but these topics always bring those posters out.

They don't consider your partner or his family close enough to pay for feeding them. The "family should come first" types will take it hard. They know they're being left out in favour of others.

It's not weird, he's a cousin and inviting only those they really want at the ceremony and dinner is a cost cutting measure.

I think it's weird and at cross purposes to have a display wedding at a destination then try to be frugal about it by cutting the guest list, but whatever.

My cousin did this. They had all his family and friend there during the day and all her family got evening invites. Even her bridesmaids were people she has known for 6 months. They also had a dress code that many people ignored.

I get that cousins aren't always close. I personally think it's rude to only give evening invitations to people that aren't local however they are related though. It's also rude not to invite partners to formal events.

That said most of us know bigger all about weddings and etiquette so maybe the couple don't know these things.

I’ve got masses of first and second cousins. From a very big family.

Over the years I’ve been invited to one second cousins wedding (not actually invited myself invite to parent so got messy and I did not attend), and two other second cousins weddings (siblings) evening invite only. They live 8 hour drive from me and I got an evening invite but my DC was not invited so I obviously didn’t attend as I was a lone parent. Aunts and uncles always invited to all. I would have loved to have gone to all three.

Other side of my family is the huge side and are first cousins, I’ve not been invited to any of the cousins weddings. One was in Australia. Aunts and uncles always invited to all. This side have not had any proper contact with me for decades. This is my fathers side and to put things in perspective so the cousins aren’t blamed with my dads second marriage I was only sent an evening invite on a weekday night to a party a few days later, I’m 6 hours drive away lone parent school night.

Two of my siblings weddings all first and second cousins invited. Second cousins on one side to all of the day, we are closer to that side, first cousins on other side to the evening part only. Most attended as apart from me (and ones in Australia) everyone’s local.

so these things are so complicated. I hope your partners aunts and uncles can make a weekend of it and still attend, they are probably very hurt.

Depends on the relationship you have with them, but personally I wouldn't consider cousins to be close family. My sister only invited most of our cousins to the evening part of her wedding. It wasn't an issue. I think they call came, but it wasn't as far. Up to you whether you go or not, it doesn't require a "break off group".

Obviously if your relationship with a cousin is more like a close friendship, then that is different.

Sounds like they have purposely done it this way so aunties, uncles and cousins don’t attend, but they have been invited, so no guilty conscience.

I wish there was a laughing reaction for posts as this really did make me giggle. For context, some of DP’s family really do live at the top of Scotland, and the wedding is in the SW, so yep it would be an 8+hr drive for them haha.

This. In the aunts and uncles position, I wouldn't go at all. They aren't wanted, so I wouldn't waste any money on it.

Alot of people incorrectly think 'close' means people with a 'relative title' but actually it should be more about the relationship.....some people are closer to friends than family, and should not have to feel like they NEED to invite someone just because of their title.
We had that with our wedding, people we barely knew or hadn't seen in years who had made little effort, expecting full invites just because they were technically 'family'.We didn't rise to it.We had 50 people at our sit down reception, all people who were important and close to us (and who we felt each deserved us paying a £50 meal for!)

I invited the people who I love most and see/speak to most irrespective of whether they are vaguely blood related to me or not. If a cousin who I barely see moaned to me about not being invited I would have told them to piss off.

Cousins aren’t generally close family - I’d say close family is grandparents/siblings/parents.

My dd is getting married and she’s invited two cousins who she sees regularly, but not others. Her fiancé hasn’t invited any of his as he never sees them.

I doubt they’re expecting people to travel that far for an evening do, maybe they just invited them because they felt they had to, fully expecting them to turn it down?

I don't think of cousins as close family. I haven't seen or spoken to any of mine in absolutely ages! I don't hate them or anything, we just haven't had any big family events lately and those are the only times I see them

I don’t class cousins or auntys and uncles as close family.

I have no problem with evening only invites provided it’s a local event. If I’ve got to go an hour plus away I’m only coming if it’s the full thing.

I personally think the idea of ‘evening guests’ is bizarre in all scenarios really.

You should be invited, or not.

Inviting someone just to the evening do and expecting them to drive for hours and pay for a hotel… just outrageous really.

It depends on the actual relationships, Cousins aren’t always close.

I agree, the whole concept is offensive. If you don’t have enough space, don’t invite people. Coming to the party but not the actual wedding is bizarre.

It’s an invite not a summons. Just say no

I think close family means parents, siblings, grandparents. I have 8 uncles and aunts, 14 cousins and they all have children. If I were having a wedding now, with the costs involved, I wouldn't be inviting them all!

The ones I hate are the fake weddings.

When people do a whole wedding but turns out they got married at the register office a week before because their venue isn’t licensed. But they don’t tell you they pretend it’s all actually official till someone ends up letting slip.

I wouldn't count cousins as close family I confess. I would say parents, siblings, children and GP.