AIBU to think evening-only invites for close family are odd?

[Autumnbreeze84]

AIBU to think that my partners family and their wedding situation is… a bit weird?

Just as the title says really - not sure if this is how “bigger” families operate as I come from a very small immediate family circle so wanted to get thoughts!

My partners cousin (his mums, sisters’ son) is getting married in August in a typical “holiday” destination in the UK. They sent out invitations with a link to RSVP, only to find out that the invites for all of my partners family are for the evening party only??

I just want to stress that this destination is around a 5 hour drive from us as the closest family members to the destination, with many of the family living even further away (some 8+ hours….)

Extra info - partners mum is one of 4 siblings, all of whom have partners / husbands. There are two cousins, my partner and another cousin who has a partner too. Looking at numbers of the what I would call “immediate family” this would be 12 including partners AND kids!

The message in the family group chat to follow the invite was, we have limited space at the reception so only close friends and family are invited. I’m not sure that I completely follow this logic, would his aunties and cousins not be considered close family? Another odd message was then from the grooms MUM asking what time the evening party started?

AIBU to this this is really, really odd to be given no actual explanation to his immediate family as to why they haven’t been invited to the ceremony? It’s at a venue that I can see online hosts up to 200 people, with space for 50 at a wedding ceremony…

A small break-off group has now formed from the family chat discussing how they can’t / won’t be attending just for the party given the distance and costs involved, but they would have really loved to have gone to the actual ceremony!!

So you'll be putting your hand in your pocket to help them afford a bigger wedding so cousins they're not close to can attend?

Really it us none of your business.

I wouldn’t call cousins close family. I have several cousins I haven’t spoken to in over 50 years and wouldn’t have dreamed of asking them or my aunts and uncles to my wedding.

They'll probably be delighted tbh. It's an invite out of politeness only.

I wonder if the inviting "out of politeness" rule of etiquette is past it's sell by date as it doesn't seem to have that effect on most people now.

No I don't think it's odd at all . Maybe your husband's mother ( and her husband /partner ) should have an all day invite as the sister of mother of groom if she is very close to her sister .I
But once you drop to cousins and partners and the children off , then numbers run away .
Tbh , with it being a long distance away , I would send a card but wouldn't be accepting the evening invitation .

I always find it bonkers that people think they have some kind of 'right' to suggest who a bride & groom should invite to their wedding. It's totally their choice who they choose to invite to celebrate with them. No other celebration, (birthdays, christening, funerals) bring out such entitled behaviour or criticism. What is it that makes people behave like this about weddings - I'd love to understand!

yes it’s odd, can you all treat it as a reunion weekend instead, have a bop at the wedding and meet up outside of that?

Ive got 9 cousins, I barely see them.

Its not that we don't get on, its that they don't live anywhere near by so we saw them about once a year at most as kids, often less (2 emigrated, 1 has asd and is v agoraphobic so doesn't come to much stuff).

I only went to one of their weddings.

I don’t get why people get so worked up about other people’s weddings. If you are invited (whether it’s the day, just the evening or whatever), go or don’t go. If it’s childfree and you have children, go or don’t go. 🤷‍♀️

Nope I haven't attended any of my cousins weddings as we are not close in the slightest.

50 for the ceremony is not that many.

My daughter is getting married and the cousins from my husbands side of the family, which she hasn’t seen for years are only invited to the evening- if she invited them, she wouldn’t have room for her friends who she sees every week. Not sure I’d be bothered driving 5hrs to see someone I hadn’t seen for years get married, and all the associated cost…

Why do you think cousins class as 'close family'?

Both my parents have 4 siblings, and each of those has at least 3 (now adult) children with partners. If I had extended a full day invite to every one of my cousins, great aunties and uncles, and their partners, I was looking at 57 guests. We could only afford 75 day guests. My husband’s entire family totalled 13. That meant we could invite 5 friends - people who we spend a whole lot more time with and really wanted to be at our wedding. We restricted the invites to aunties and uncles only on my side. Everyone else was invited to the evening. Some came, some didn’t. I could pass most of my cousins in the street and not know them.

Everyone’s family is so different. I have 17 first cousins, most of whom have children, and some of them have children! My mum became an auntie when she was 10 (I think!) and my dad was 40 when I was born, so some of my cousins are 30 years older than me. Some of them I don’t even know! I invited friends ahead of some cousins as we’re closer. I did invite my aunties and uncles, though, although most them were elderly when I got married and couldn’t attend!

I'm getting married in sept and have a big family, we're only inviting our immediate family (parents and siblings & their partners, nieces & nephews and our very closest friends - all which have been friends for 15+ years who have supported us through thick and thin) this takes our ceremony numbers to 70! (We aimed for 50 but there was no one who we could possibly cut to make that happen)

All other family will be invited to the evening, along with other friends whom we love and spend time with but that haven't been there through it all, just that we met along the way .. if that makes sense.

We couldn't possibly afford to have everyone there for the whole day, at £200 a head that would be £20k+ without any extra costs for venue, flowers, registra etc.

Try not to feel slighted, you just have a small family and need to understand the logistics from a different pov. The only thing I would say is the distance (unless that's where they live!) is a little inconsiderate if they know they're asking lots of family to travel.

I could count on one hand how many of my cousins I would call close family and there are a lot on both me and DH side. Where I live any invitation to any party always includes a hotel so I would travel 5 hours easily for an evening invitation, have also travelled more than that, its up to you how much you like these people.

This is the most logical explanation.

I just want to say, it's their wedding! They can invite who they want to the day ceremony, and night ceremony! No matter how you and your family feel how close you are, it is literally up to the happy couple who they invite to each part of the wedding! I'd just be pleased that the happy couple wanted me to be a part of their day! No matter big or small!

Thanks everyone for the comments - it’s been really interesting to hear from different POV’s about family dynamics and weddings. As I said in the original post, my cousins are close family (to me) because of how frequently we speak and see each other, and it’s just different to how other families are! I’m definitely not offended by the lack of day invite for my partner (and any invite for me haha) I just wanted to gather thoughts so I could be a bit more understanding of everyone’s feelings about it. And just to clarify again I’m not in the aunties breakout group chat haha 😜

Their wedding celebration is an evening party. How lovely. What a shame if people don’t want to go because of that.