AIBU to think evening-only invites for close family are odd?

[Autumnbreeze84]

AIBU to think that my partners family and their wedding situation is… a bit weird?

Just as the title says really - not sure if this is how “bigger” families operate as I come from a very small immediate family circle so wanted to get thoughts!

My partners cousin (his mums, sisters’ son) is getting married in August in a typical “holiday” destination in the UK. They sent out invitations with a link to RSVP, only to find out that the invites for all of my partners family are for the evening party only??

I just want to stress that this destination is around a 5 hour drive from us as the closest family members to the destination, with many of the family living even further away (some 8+ hours….)

Extra info - partners mum is one of 4 siblings, all of whom have partners / husbands. There are two cousins, my partner and another cousin who has a partner too. Looking at numbers of the what I would call “immediate family” this would be 12 including partners AND kids!

The message in the family group chat to follow the invite was, we have limited space at the reception so only close friends and family are invited. I’m not sure that I completely follow this logic, would his aunties and cousins not be considered close family? Another odd message was then from the grooms MUM asking what time the evening party started?

AIBU to this this is really, really odd to be given no actual explanation to his immediate family as to why they haven’t been invited to the ceremony? It’s at a venue that I can see online hosts up to 200 people, with space for 50 at a wedding ceremony…

A small break-off group has now formed from the family chat discussing how they can’t / won’t be attending just for the party given the distance and costs involved, but they would have really loved to have gone to the actual ceremony!!

I think that has been a big part.

If I’m paying I want the people I am genuinely closest to and love at my wedding first.

Obligation invites for family I see every few years are not a priority invite.

Were as if mum and dad where paying and wanted them there well it’s their pound paying so they can invite the entire family if they wish.

I still think the bride and groom should have the final say, even if contributions are being made by parents.

If you're not naturally close and don't keep in touch regularly, weddings aren't family reunions. Have a bbq for that.

I'm only inviting certain aunts and uncles that I speak to, and not others who I don't have a relationship with. If the only time I've seen you, is two family funerals in the last nine years, it's a no.

To keep my dad happy, they're being invited to the evening but majority live within an hour radius. Whereas our day guests (people we actually care about) are all spread out and travelling 2/3/4 hours so the whole day makes more sense.

With that, with evening invites you have to accept people probably won't (but might) come if it's far away. I once travelled to a party in Liverpool, travelling from South West. The couple had a tiny ceremony a few weeks before. It was nice but probably wouldn't attend if I had kids.

Well it's very surprising if the groom's mum hasn't been invited.
But I don't think you can extrapolate that based on her asking when the evening celebration started. It's surely a common thing to want to know so you can work out how much time you have to go back to your room, potentially change etc?

Ahhh, I took it to mean that she was also only invited to the evening, which would be harsh. I always find it amusing when couples getting married make things so awkward and unaccommodating for guests. Expecting anyone to do a 10 hour round trip for an evening reception is silly. And then not even invite their partner too. What's the point?

Totally agree but a lot of couples prioritise their friends now, so it’s a bit of a sign of the times…

IMO totally unreasonable to expect people to travel up to 8 hours and all the costs for a party, so hope they are gracious when their family decline!

My parents paid for their wedding way back when but it was a family wedding and only the closest friends attended. They did make an extra effort with the evening party though that the wider social circle went to. I really think that the curated family attendance is a cultural change. It’s why so many people skip weddings now as the old multi - generational family wedding was in my experience unmissable but now it can be loads of people very similar to the bride and groom and so just a normal social gathering but with added expectations . For me some of the fun of a wedding is seeing people’s family together, the bride or groom might not care deeply about everyone but other family will, it’s fun and traditional. I actually think it’s touch and go if even the parents of the bride and groom will get an invite to some weddings. I know talking to younger people organising a wedding they really didn’t want to invite them.

I think many couples planning weddings tend to be a bit thoughtless. Fair enough to have a really small wedding but it's unfair to expect people to travel long distances for an evening reception. Even more so if the family are close enough to feel they have to attend. I actually think asking anyone to travel long distance without providing transport so forcing people to stay over is unfair. I realise there is no obligation to attend but people feel pressured and obliged.

evening invite for a cousin is fine IMO. I have tonnes of cousins and wouldn’t invite many of them to my wedding at all. However the grooms mother is not being invited to the ceremony is nuts!

I'd say you aren't close family, your partner is just a cousin so not close, groom and brides immediate family are close family. Friends maybe one or two. But as for the distance to the venue I'd say no thanks , arriving there and probably function finishes 11.00pm. Then presumably you'll stay in a hotel overnight? So it's a "no, thanks for invite we won't be attending", answer! I'd suggest the invite was polite but they aren't expecting you to turn up!

If its only 50 guests for ceremony , 25 each for bride and groom ,then i can see how cousins and aunts/uncles may not be invited to ceremony.
As DP comes from.a big family and he and his cousin whatsapp weekly it is a shame B&G havent chosen somewhere that can accomodate more people for the day.
I wouldnt drive a long distance for an evening only invite, it would inevitably involve overnight stay, expense possibly annual leave, childcare, kennels etc depending on circumstances so I would only attend evening receptions that were no more than an hour away or possibly 2 hours away if I REALLY wanted to go!
I think its odd to expect family members to drive very long distance, book overnight stays etc for evening only, if family attendance was very important youd pick a venue to accomodate more people for the ceremony and invite them for the whole day

I don’t think it’s that unusual. My partner only sees his aunts/ uncles/ cousins at funerals these days.
My friend invited her aunts/ uncles to her wedding and only one cousin who she saw regularly. The rest of the cousins weren’t invited as she only really saw them at big family events.

Personally, I’d leave that break off group immediately and just rsvp as not available. Send a thoughtful gift, wish them the best and not think of it again.

Aunts uncles and cousins are the extended family. I wouldn't invite them to an evening do 5 hours away. Reasonable to not attend.

I think aunts and uncles should be invited but cousins are difficult as they add up especially with their partners and children. A line has to be drawn on cost grounds.

I come from a big family and I wouldn’t automatically consider cousins close family.
There’s some of mine I’ve never met or spoken to.

Cousins and aunts/uncles aren't close family. You may be close to them, but that isn't the same thing.

I have 40 aunts, uncles and cousins. With their partners that's 80 people.

Well, what is close? I knew my now husband for a year before I knew he had a brother. I knew he had a younger sister (away at boarding school) but he honestly never once mentioned his brother!

My family don’t get put out if they can’t make a family lunch or gathering and just accept they will be at the next one but DH family jump through all sorts of hoops to change dates/times…but they hardly bother to chat or text weekly.

Mind boggles.

All families are different, we invited close friends than we see daily/weekly to our wedding over family that we hadn’t seen for months/years as it was small. The logic being we wanted the people we spend time with often to share our day with us.

Weddings are massively expensive and it’s up to the bride and groom who they want there on the day. Cousins are not immediately family and if they were close as you suggest they would be invited to the day. Invites are invites it doesn’t mean you have to. Rvsp no. If they are 5 hours away I don’t think they would expect people to travel just for the evening anyway but they felt they had to invite your partner cos they’re “family”.

I don’t find it weird. We have my cousins wedding soon a couple of hours driving and it’s evening only. Close family only at the ceremony due to space/cost. Close being immediate i e parents and siblings plus kids. We were close growing up but I’m not offended. Weddings are expensive. You can go, see all the family, stay over and make a mini break out of it, do something the following day or stay on a couple more nights.

That's fine immediate family is mum dad brother sister and grandparents.

I’m torn, because I already think “evening only” invites are strange, but it seems fairly common here and I’ve been to a couple myself, so it is what it is. I wouldn’t take it personally even as a cousin.

I find it even stranger having to pay for my own drinks at someone else’s party.

No I don’t consider cousins automatic close family but it’s cheeky af to have evening only guests when you’re not having a local wedding.

Our initial wedding plans involved 2 hours travelling for everyone and everyone was invited to the full thing.

This is just a gift grab to me. I would decline.

Cousins aren’t classed as close family, aunts and uncles are

I don’t find it odd at all. Most weddings these days are small affairs, by that I mean under 60 guests. Not so long ago a typical wedding included at least 100 guests to the day do. Times change.
To me immediate family includes: mum, dad, siblings and best friends.
I would not be travelling 5 hours to go to anyones evening do.
Just decline the invite, no need for any drama. Are the couple already living together? Do they have children? If so it’s hardly a traditional affair so a small wedding makes sense.

My aunt invited me to the church ceremony only of her wedding which was 4 hours drive away. I declined as I had a small baby at the time and was also not impressed at an 8-hour round trip to sit in a church for no more than an hour. She was having a large reception afterwards too which we were not invited to, and another cousin and aunt had the same invite as us which they also declined. She’s cut us all off (cousin & aunt would have had an 8-hours drive one-way). And yes, we were all quite ‘close’ as MN likes to analyse.

So, long story short I feel if you give people who will be coming from several hours travel away an invite to only part of a wedding don’t then strop if they decline.