To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Quite. Most people on this thread don't do empathy with step children. Poor kids.

Exactly.

Well what's the point of this post if you've already decided that what you want matters more than your SD and DP and you don't want to consider any compromises?

If the SD goes into the bigger room, and gets it for her sole use, that then means that she has two rooms for her sole use (assuming that she has her own room at her main residence, with her mother). OP's DS gets only one, much less favourable room, and OP has to work in her own bedroom, or in the communal room. As she is the main breadwinner, and she has expressed her aversion to both options, that isn't fair.

The SD will need a desk to do her homework at. She could choose the decor of the bigger room, so that she feels it is 'hers', but she has to be aware of the fact that while she's not there, the OP will be utilising the desk. OP's DS is still missing out, of course, but will hopefully get his chance of the bigger room later.

OP hasn't said that she is the sole owner of the property or mentioned how much each party is putting in. She has said that she is now the breadwinner.

Well definitely not the kitchen in the school hols!

She might have to make do in the school hols - maybe have a small folding desk in the master bedroom?

Absolutely not. She's not keeping a double bed if the space doesn't allow for it - especially for use twice a month!

Your son will also want/need more space as he grows up, so putting him in the box room is only deferring the issue down the road.

If there's a significant size difference in rooms then I'd consider putting DS in master bedroom with an office in the corner. You and DP in the middle room. SD in box room.

DH responsible for keeping DS entertained/out of the way/quiet while you're working. He could take him to the park after school, go to the shops for that day's dinner etc.

She said it's her buying it.

She said 'I'm not paying for a house that..' I took that as her meaning her contribution towards the mortgage.

She’s never here in school holidays (her choice), she comes if we go on holidays but otherwise it’s one or two weekends a month.

If she decided to move in, or be here more, we would need to find another solution.

Several options - all bad

Worst options for OP - working in her bedroom (I’d hate that), a cupboard, or paying for an additional space. Working in a 4yo room also bad.

Worst option for dsd - sharing with her brother to free up box room for an office followed some distance behind by having her dsm in her room when she isn’t there.

If choosing a different house isn’t an option I would be inclined to get a folding table and set it up on Monday morning with laptop and other gubbins and remove the whole kit a caboodle on Friday before dsd arrives. I think sharing an actual desk could lead to conflict - you are both likely to leave stuff on it. Privacy is important, particularly at that age, but I’d bet diamonds someone else is doing the cleaning in there. I would tell her that it’s happening but leave zero evidence of it ever.

@BarbiesDreamHome - "... On another point, SD doesn't have a double bed, you and DP have a double bed in the room she uses when she stays over..."

Sorry but i don't understand this?

The OP has said that the SD does have a double bed.

The OP and her DP have already got a double bed in their own room. Why would they have another in the SD's room?

I’m currently working in my daughter’s room whilst our guest room is occupied by family. I’ve been here 8 weeks and she is yet to notice!

It doesn't work (or shouldn't work) like this when there are children involved including blended families

You think of it as a room to utilise. Your SD and DP think of it as a teenager's bedroom.

You're thinking with logic and with the emotion of prioritising your needs/wants. Your SD and DP are thinking with their emotion of needing SD to feel wanted and to belong.

If you want your blended family to be happy and exist without resentment you're all going to have to consider each other's perspectives more than you are doing and be less rigid in your approach.

I would say the options are:

1. SD has the bigger bedroom and you use it as an office (she won't even know if you're working when she's over)
2. SD has the smaller room and loses her double bed.

Her and your husband can't dictate everything. Especially as you're the main earner and need somewhere to work. Plus she's only over EOW. Unfortunately you've had to downsize due to his inability to work, he can't have it all ways. You've not got the space to allow one room to sit empty whilst you work in a communal area.

Why does what SD (who’s there for at most 4 days) wants, trump what you want? It’s in the family’s interests for you to be able to work well, and having your own space is an important part of that. your ‘D’ P should recognise that, and back you.

I think the bottom line is that this will likely cause long term conflict in your relationship. The cheapest houses around here are mid terraces and have a seperate dining room. Wouldn't it be better to back out of the sale and find something that suits everyone better?

She's trying to say that it isn't SD's bed. It's OP and DP's bed that SD is kindly being allowed to.sleep in.
I think that's a dangerous approach.

Genuine question here about how I have no empathy.

DP previously paid SD’s mum £700 a month. He’s now earning significantly less and his required CMS contribution is in the region of £100 or less. As a couple, we have decided to maintain the £700 as her mum relies heavily on it.

If we kept that £700, we would probably be able to afford our current house. Certainly an extra study.

Do you think it’s better that we keep the money and put SD’s mum into poverty, or that SD has to put up with an empty desk in her room 2-4 days a month?

@Manxexile 🤣🤣🤣

Yanbu as it’s a room that’s sat empty mon-Friday every week.

It should still be her bedroom though, just with a desk in it that you work from (rather than being your office with a bed in it for her to sleep on).
Presumably at 13 she won’t want pink and glittery unicorns and will probably be into something quite tasteful and minimalist (if my teen daughters are anything to go by).

DP and SD don’t want this.

Tough ? 🤷‍♀️ they can not want it all they want. It actually doesn't affect either of them. Except for the fact that it allows you to support them.

You won't be using it when SD is there. There is no overlap, its not even really sharing the room. Put a desk in her room. She can use it for homework, during the week when shes not there you use it for work.

Not many people can afford to have a whole room to be left empty 80% of the time. Compromises have to be made.

To be honest I would be having the box room Asan office and SD would get a sofa bed in lounge if she’s only there EOW, we can’t all go round having masses of spare rooms saved for kids or grown adult kids who are no longer living there. I realise that’s probably not what she would like but I think you have to explain reasons to her - life isn’t always fair -

I think Step children- particularly when in the teen years- need to feel that they are truly and genuinely integrated into both families.

Your plan doesn't do that. It makes her feel like an afterthought and that she is at best a guest.

I truly think you need to find another solution. The solution is obvious to you, but it runs the risk of causing severe emotional damage and isolation for your SD.