To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Have you missed the part where Op is the breadwinner? If she can't work in peace there will be no house let alone a room for DSD!

The OP has updated on what the other solution would be - and that’s adjusting the amount of CSA her DP pays his ex. If they paid that inline with his current earnings, they’d be able to keep a bigger house. His daughters lifestyle when with her mum would certainly take a hit though.
personally, I think this is the lesser of two evils.

Well exactly. Just put a desk in sd’s bedroom “for her studies” as she’s getting nearer to gcse years. Then work at the desk in her room as she’s never there when you’re working anyway.

Stay in your current house do not downsize. DH pays less maintenance to his ex, that is not your fault it’s just how things are. You cannot give up a house that you need with a work space for you.

and btw remember you are the breadwinner here and you need your own office. You pay the mortgage so an office is non negotiable.

if DH and SD think otherwise and have no respect for this then I’d just move to a new home with your DS.

I have a cream/white dressing table bought from M & S. I have a triple folding mirror on it. If you took the triple mirror off, it could be used as a desk during the week and then back to a dressing table for your SD to put her perfume and bits and bobs at the weekend?

YANBU. She uses it 4 nights a month, your DS should not have his room permanently disrupted with a desk. For a while we had to repurpose the step-kids room into our office before we moved into a 4 bed. We didn’t even consider using DS’s room.

I voted YABU because I hadn’t read your update. If it’s literally a laptop you’ll need to take out, not a full office setup, I think YNBU.

Wow.
So not only are you financially supporting his ex, you also have your ‘D’P and SD making demands on the bedroom allocation.
Sod that for a game of cards. YOU get to decide.
If they don’t like it then you can afford the new 3 bed house with your little boy and your partner can provide a bedroom that’s only used 4 days a month .
Working in the kitchen?? Fuck that. Ergo working in your bedroom.
The cheek of some people and the expectation on women to just lay down while people walk all over them never ever fails to amaze me.

Your update @SamphireSupper , is that something SD is aware of? Not in an unpleasant way, just in terms of her understanding the context?

I know teenagers are not always great on "the bigger picture", especially when it appears to disadvantage them (the part of their brain that helps them not be entirely self-centred is still developing), but I wonder if it might help?

She’s only with us on weekends, when I’m not working. I’d take my laptop out. She’d be welcome to use the desk for homework too

Exactly. This makes perfect sense. She is only there four days a month at most and those are the days when you are not working. So it makes absolutely no difference to her.

I don't understand the problem OP. Just tell your DH it's the only relatively quiet and private working area so it's happening.

What you are basically saying is she will have a desk in her room that you will also use when she's not there. I really don't see the issue. Don't most kids have a desk, space allowing?

£700 a month! Why so much?

I’d make the desk match the room and make sure you fully clear it of all your stuff when ur daughter comes round pop a tv on it or make it like a dressing table or something for her so it’s like it’s also hers idk

You sound perfectly reasonable to me, OP, but the problem is convincing your husband. (Imo, as a child, SD just has to go along with what the adults decide in these types of matters. Not a popular opinion these days, but there it is.)

If you can't afford more room at the moment, this is the best solution. SD won't actually be affected if she's never over on your workdays.

Your posts here show that you're good at thinking practically and logically, but don't have a huge insight into your DPs or SDs emotions.

How you've gone about framing this is all wrong. Does your SD have any understanding of yours and your DPs financial situation. About how you're making compromises left right and centre to accommodate his health and her current lifestyle? Teenagers are all about fairness. You could have pitched this post with an entirely different, more honest, and more sympathetic spin. But if you pitched the room situation to DP and SD like you've presented it here, there's no wonder they're not happy. You could have presented it as a problem and seen what SD thought was reasonable. This could have been her idea.

No, she’s not fully aware, and I don’t think it would be beneficial to explain it to her as she’s already struggling with anxiety and school refusal.

Either reduce cms or work from the sd room.

Id give your dp the choice.

There is no way id be working from my bedroom or a communal area whilst subsidising his ex after he dropped his hours.

It all sounds very difficult and id explain this to both sd and ex. You shouldnt have to be the doormat in this.

Why ? DSD is there every other weekend so it makes sense that OP uses the room the rest of the time, rather than inconvenience her DS who is there all the time. I don’t get why a thirteen year old gets to dictate her terms, to the inconvenience of everyone else.

OP I’m in total agreement with you in terms of how the space it’s used.

could a slight compromise me a fold up desk or similar that can be taken out when she stays?

is it the desk or the fact you’re in her room?

That's a very difficult situation then @SamphireSupper , SD is already struggling so more information might not help.

In that case, would DP go along with you appearing to have "given in" and setting the room up as SD's bedroom...but of course you're using the desk when she's not there? If your work stuff is never in her room when she gets there, and it's all aired and ready for her, she never needs to know any different?

A little while lie to take the heat out of the situation for everyone's benefit?

How much stuff do you have? If it’s just basics (laptop, keyboard, monitor etc) then put a desk in SD’s room and get a couple of decent storage boxes. Stick your laptop etc in them on Friday and pop in your room / above wardrobe or something. SD can use the desk for homework when she stays. I use our spare room as my office space, we frequently have family staying so this is what I do - sweep everything off desk into storage crate then pop it back out on a Monday morning. You could get a small neat storage unit to go next to the desk to lock away any paperwork?

This seems the best compromise to me. You get a working space, SD doesn’t feel like she’s sleeping in an office and has a desk for studying / use as a dressing table.

You can't possibly put your desk in your DS room and work from there, leaving another room empty for all but 4-6 days a month. You need space to work sensibly, without it being public. I'm sorry your DP can't work full time, but this is the consequence and they both have to suck it up while you support the family.

For the posters that say DC should have their own room at each parent’s house, if any of you were stepchildren, did you always have your own room at both houses? Genuine question as I’m not sure if things have changed in the 100 years since I was a kid or if our family “did it wrong”.

My DF was the NRP and when i stayed with him I slept in his wife’s daughter’s bed (when she would be at her own DF’s house)

To me it seems fairly simple. If you are the breadwinner and you feel you cannot work at the dining room table, cupboard under the stairs, or similar, then you put your foot down on that. Just: "no, not happening." Or, if that seems too abrupt then, "No, that's not possible."

Then you discuss, what are the alternatives?

And you pick from those, whether that's using SD's room as an office or withdrawing the 700 payment to his ex, or other alternatives you or he develop.

I don't think you should let yourself be bullied into working at the dining room table when the family relies on your job to put a roof over your heads. It will end badly: you will burn out or break up or a meeting will get messed up because people are making lunch loudly and your boss gets annoyed at your lack of professionalism. I just wouldn't take the risk.

I don't understand the problem. You won't be working in there whilst SD is staying with you. She doesn't leave much stuff in her room and you have a laptop you don't need to store in the room when she's visiting.

So all this argument is about whether there's a desk in the room or not? Presumably she needs a desk for homework anyway.

I don't think I'd be giving her the choice tbh. But I would ensure the desk is clear for her visits. I wouldn't work at the dining room table either - it's higher than the desk and gives me backache.