To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Sorry to be blunt, but this is a terrible option.

• DS doesn't have a room of his own.

• OP and her DP have to share their room every other weekend. And don't forget DP has cancer, so could be very poorly sometimes, with no privacy - awful for him and DS.

• And SD still hasn't got her own private space, and loses her double bed.

No, this won't work ...

Companies don't pay open ended sickness benefits just because somebody previously earned a high salary. It sounds like OP's husband has been off work for a considerable time given the reference to multiple surgeries. Insurance cover for sickness is also very expensive - in fact years ago it was so expensive my husband and I decided to forego it and put the money towards the mortgage instead - and rely on the fact I had a good salary.

People downsizing to save money probably won't have the funds for this.

I’d just have worked in there when she’s not with you without saying anything or making a thing of it .

This.

You would only be using the room at times she wouldn’t be in it.

Its unrealistic for you to work in the kitchen.

You're compromising already in that she is getting use of a bigger room when she is with you (rather than your son who lives with you full time).

If it’s about privacy maybe she could have a lockable cupboard/wardrobe in the room though you say she doesn’t leave things with you.

The priority is that you have a suitable space to work or nobody will have a house to live in at all.

This with a 4yr old she can't be properly working once he gets home from school, she'll be supervising her child. Unless whoever is collecting him from school can stay and mind him while OP works?

I don't see why he cant just play in the living room while OP works in his bedroom.

I'd look for a portable folding desk and set it up on Monday put it away on Fridays so it's not a permanent fixture, a complaint pain in the ass but it is what it is.

I think no need as dsd needs a desk too.

again op should just not discuss her working set up with dsd at all and she’ll probably forget all about it. It’s none of her business really what happens in the room when she’s not there as long as none of her private things are touched or moved.

It's actually a maximum of 4 days out of 28...

OP already said there's no money for a garden room...

Logically and realistically we all know that DSDs should double up as an office workspace.
You need a quiet, clear area to work and to earn money to keep a roof over everyone's head ffs. But, this is MN and stepmums always get an absolute slaying for even slightly suggesting something reasonable....
There is absolutely no logic in keeping one room exclusive for 4 nights use a month!
I'm sorry but she doesn't get a choice. Choose a nice desk, keep VERY limited resources in there but let her have exclusive use for when she stays over. Its not like you're kicking her out of the room when she's staying over!

Why should she muck around with a rickety folding desk when she is paying to keep the whole thing going? I don't believe in keeping children ignorant of financial matters. The stepdaughter has to understand that they are making sacrifices with less money coming in and part of it is OP will use a desk in her room when she is not there. In fact, both my children had desks in their rooms growing up for homework and stuff.

Murphy bed in SD’s room for her- so her things can be ‘opened up’ when she is there.

Plus- a fold down desk, maybe one with artwork of her choice on the decorative side.

That way you can turn it into an office when she’s not there, but back into a bedroom when she is.
Make it so her things can stay untouched but be hidden when she isn’t there.

High earner here and can’t get my head around not having CI cover, especially when me not being able to work would have such a seismic shift in family circumstances

What is the reasoning for them saying no? If she wants the bigger room then she will have to accommodate the desk. I don't understand the problem if you are going to be in there different times?
Otherwise like others have said she has the small room. I don't see why it's essential DS will need to be in there at 1530, mine are generally in the living room after school.
I worked on the dining table before we moved and it's not ideal when others are in the house, especially a small person.

One problem with that would be: If the DSD doesn't like the idea of someone just sitting at a desk in her room while she's not staying there, surely she's really not gonna like the thought of someone (her half brother) sleeping and playing in there while she's not there (and having all his stuff in there)!

Op, you have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Do whatever you can to make it less stressful for yourself. Everyone will adapt. They have to.

We did this and in the box room. Sd and dh shared the space, it had a desk, bed and chest of drawers and she was 14 when we did this. She didn’t need anymore space. Everything that was dhs was cleared into a plastic box just before she arrived and back out when she left. Was never any bother and gave him a space to work

Please think really carefully about how much this impacts your SD.
my DD had the same scenario at her dads house and she felt so pushed out and it didn’t feel like home. She didn’t feel like her feelings were taken into account and she was effectively a guest.
this has had a catastrophic affect on her relationship with her dad resulting in her not wanting to stay there.
private space is so incredibly important to a teen girl and your SD already sounds like she’s finding life difficult.
logic supports this option and I get it but honestly, emotions and feeling valued, seen and included are so much more important

Agree with the suggestions of getting a hideaway desk to put in stepdaughter's room. If you need a lot of desk space for paperwork and a proper monitor then something like this would probably be best:
https://www.argos.co.uk/product/7415227
but if you've only really got your laptop in front of you, then one of these is a lot cheaper, and you can keep your stuff in the top compartment, and she can use the whiteboard for reminders and the bottom shelves for storage
https://www.amazon.co.uk/HOMCOM-Computer-Bookshelf-Multifunctional-Floating/dp/B0DPKRZPGZ/
Yes, it would be better if she has a space that is completely her own, but if you can't afford that then it's the sensible compromise given that she's not going to be there most of the time.

how about the son? People are saying OP should put a desk in his box room instead of SD's mostly empty large room. How's that fair?

Very high cost of moving
All the stress of moving on top of cancer
All for another 3 bedroom home but smaller overall to save money.

Seems like you’re jumping in to this prematurely

Too right you don’t and you need to pull rank here. It’s very unreasonable of your partner to expect you working from home, daily, to come second to his daughter that’s barely there.

I agree. To keep a room pretty much empty for 12 days out of 14 when it could be a separate space to work in is ridiculous to me.

I would SD the choice between having the bigger room with your desk or the smaller room with no desk.

Exactly this. All stress avoided.