To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Oh I see. Yes, that created my reaction 😲

YANBU OP. You need to do whatever you must to prioritise your job and keeping some sort of roof over everyone's heads (including SD's mum and half siblings', by the sounds of it).

These are difficult circumstances - your DP has cancer and cannot work, everyone needs to pull together and suck up a bit of hardship while you get through this. SD does not have the luxury of demanding an empty room to use four days of the month when everything else is on the line in this way.

You're getting ridiculous replies here. You are doing ALL the right things; you deserve credit for keeping everyone afloat in a storm of difficult circumstances.

I'm fully on board with the importance of ensuring step children are part of the family. This does not extend to keeping a room empty for 11 days out of every fortnight, while the rest of the family crams into the remaining space.

Make this room your office. Give it over to SD when she stays.

I haven’t sorry, l didn’t make it clearer - l reported the poster you were quoting @GlovedhandsCecilia for yet another inappropriate comment.

OK.

So does that mean that the transfer of any amount of money between separated parents that they describe as "child maintenance" is disregarded for benefit purposes?

I feel like the advice would be very different if the husband was the sole earner!

Jesus wept, what now ? You think a SM who continues a CMS payment she can Ill afford so that her DSD’s circumstances are not reduced is emotionally abusive ?

Another option is the son goes in the big room. And that has bunk beds on it. When sister stays, she gets the room to herself, and son comes to stay in with his parents. Op gets a study in the box room. She could also get a sofa bed for the box room for when dsd or a guest comes to stay.

Some people have clearly never WFH...well I have, for years. Headspace is important. Not having it is a one way street to disaster.

Depends on whether the husband was keeping up CMS payments for his step child when he’s not obliged to. Not sure there are any comparable threads on MN - the situation isn’t a common one.

I think you are being entirely reasonable in your approach and sensible on the finances.

As it stands there are two choices that I can see.

• Stay put, CMS reduces to £100. SD and by extension the rest of her family suffer.
• Stay put, SD moves to live with you FT and goes to her mum at weekends. CMS moves to £100 or whatever is proportionate.
• Move and SD accepts that someone uses her room mid week and she gains a desk on the weekend to do her homework, chat to friends, etc.

People adapt and they will both get over the change. I can't imagine that a house move on top of cancer is filling anyone with glee but especially both of them. He will feel responsible and it may feel like she is being pushed out or you are already preparing for his death?

13 is young but she sounds like she is quite possibly older than her years. You know her better than we do but I'd be inclined to sit her down and talk her through the choices. Her Dad is sick, you can cover his payments to her mum and are happy to do so but it's not a bottomless pit. What's more important is that they have a safe home to spend time together while he is in treatment and hopefully down the line, in recovery. There's no reason she can't be with you as a family every Friday night onwards to spend time with him and her half brother once you have logged off.

Why ? DSD is only there 4 days a month. Sorry but l really don’t think OP is unreasonable in not allowing a thirteen year old to dictate what she does with the room when DSD is not there. There has got to be compromise and it seems OP is the only one looking for it.

You think if a woman came on here and said I have cancer and have had to cut down my hours at work and my husband says he can make big decisions without me because he earns more and has agreed to keep paying towards my child, that people would advise her: "His money, his house, his rules. You and your DC will have to suck it up." ?

Two lots of child maintenance, plus universal credit, plus DLA for the kids..I bet she’s on a much higher monthly income than you op

On UC you have to declare any payments you receive and DWP decide what’s counted and what’s not. Anything paid officially by CMS or a declared private child maintenance arrangement is not counted. Anything unearned - cash gifts or money transfers from friends or family are generally not counted although they still have to be declared along with details of what they’re for, and again DWP make the decision on what is and isn’t counted. Any regular or larger payments outside these parameters would be subject to more scrutiny.

I agree OP - yours is the most logical option. I'm sure it's an emotional response, the SD not wanting anyone using her room, but it is a practical solution.

Since the father of the other two kids has scarpered we don’t know if he’s actually paying any maintenance - unless I’ve missed something to that effect. And the monthly income may be higher, but if her two children are disabled enough to be in receipt of child DLA, the outgoings on disability related costs will likely be much higher too.

No mention of maintenance from him, or DLA that I can see. Possibly she's getting neither. The XP seems to have got off remarkably lightly here

Agree. Just do it. Have a lockable drawer in the big room for your work stuff and be out of the room by the time SD arrives. She will hardly notice.

I'm not sure what your job is but all I need to wfh is a laptop and somewhere to sit at it. So surely it would just be a case of putting a table and chair in SD's room that you occasionally sit at? it's not like having a big old 90s PC.

Of course not. Doesn’t mean they’re right, given the circumstances. And as l said, l haven’t seen any threads with these specific circumstances, so these are assumptions.

He left her with debts as well.

I really don’t think you are being at all unreasonable. In fact I think that you are going above and beyond to try and please everyone. If it was a room you were making into your office with a pull out bed shoved into the corner then yes I could see why your DP and SD may feel like she is being pushed out, but from your posts it sounds like all trace of it being your office, other than a desk that she can use herself, will be removed for the times she will be staying with you. You appear to be supporting everyone in this scenario (including people who you have no obligation to support) which is only possible because of your job so I think the least your DP can do is to give you the space you need to carry on doing your job as comfortably as possible. I really feel for your SD as clearly she has been going through a difficult time but it will only get more difficult if you end up losing your job due to the stress of not having a proper work space and distractions from the other people in the home. I hope your husband’s treatment goes well and that you can get him to see that your solution is the best for everyone all round

These responses are bonkers!

Every other week you say? Your idea is perfect. She has a room and you have an office that is used 5 days a week. There is no overlap!

We have stored furniture in bedrooms before whilst we are decorating, we don’t ask the children! And they barely bat an eyelid. Your DH may be making this a bigger deal
than it is. It’s going to be decorated as a bedroom with a desk somewhere! Not like you’re asking her to sleep in a cold wet office!

I initially questioned why you don’t put your son in the bigger room but with the amount you would work from home this makes 100% sense.

For what it’s worth I think it’s a great idea!

I am sorry to hear of your situation.

Just picking up on your point that if DP were to die, you would be able to afford the smaller place on your own. Can I ask if you have mortgage protection insurance on DP's life that would clear the mortgage in the event of DP's death? If so, if the mortgage were to be paid off, then would you not be able to stay in your current hom in this worse case scenario? Obviously if there is no mortgage protection insurance in your DP's name, then this will not apply.