To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

@SamphireSupper Firstly, I am sorry to hear of your DP diagnosis, you must be so worried and exhausted by holding things together. Secondly, your posts show how much sympathy you have, and continue to have, for SD, her mum and her other siblings, I applaud your compassion.

Right now you are the central lynchpin to keeping everyone afloat. Neither household will be able to survive if you lose your job. You must prioritise being able to work and keep a roof over your family's head. It may feel mercenary to put your needs first but the reality is we are economically on the cusp of a global recession and the job market is dire. The suggestion of a multipurpose room is the most ideal solution.

Do you know why your DP is so against this solution? Is he struggling to come to terms with the diagnosis/treatment/life changes? The diagnosis must have been a huge shock to you both, is he dealing with things or burying his head in the sand? Obviously you know your DP partner better than a random stranger on the internet but in your shoes I would map out the practicalities and lead him through the options. He may be hugely struggling and just be taking a stand just because the world feels out of control. I wish you and your family the best going forward.

If they did, they'd be doing it on the basis of about half the story anyway. Weird the way the description left out the way that breadwinner's salary is essential for multiple households experiencing several serious problems...

Sweetheart @SamphireSupper ypu have so much on your plate and the fact that you’re on meds already concerns me. You can’t crack, and you know it. You’re holding all this up in the air.

put the desk in the room and don’t negotiate on this. You’re the one paying for all of this and the stress is killing you. If you lost your job (I know you know this) the whole pack of cards comes down. The £700, the house, everything, and you still have all the dreadful stuff to deal with your DH treatment etc.

therefore the desk goes in the bedroom. It’s just a fucking desk! And you wouldn’t need it at any time while she’s there.

why are you even asking her? Your H needs to be far more onside with you on this. Tell him that he doesn’t get to tell you how you should work when you’re the one carrying all the responsibility atm. There has to be some give and take, and this is when you need to take.

id also recommend that you reduce the £700 a bit. Just to give you and your family a little breathing room. Even just a couple of hundred quid would help you keep the plates spinning.

One of those desks with doors on it could work well - all packed away at the weekend (without having to pull it out of the room.)
We use one of the dc's bedrooms for some general storage in one cupboard - it's the price of having the bigger room!
something like this:

It's 100% an adult decision what bed their child sleeps in. To extrapolate that into red flag toxic behaviour because a single bed is a "downgrade" and punishment is madness.

Parents make loads of decisions about what kids are allowed, whether they own them or not, like decisions about and confiscating gifts like smartphones and ipads.

I haven't for a moment suggested taking a bed away from a child. But if a double doesn't fit the new room, then the adult sells the double and gets a single. It's a practical decision, not controlling or spiteful or mean.

Put a desk in your bedroom. Your sd needs a room.

Well I couldn't write an entire imaginary thread...

I think the big issue is how the OP is communicating about this with her DP and SD. It's clear as day by the way she's talking about it on here. And unfortunately most posters aren't helping with comments like 'Your house, your money, everyone else has to suck it up!'

She could explain calmly to the DP and SD that they need to work together to find a compromise that ensures she can do her work effectively, which is more important than ever now that its the main income source and that she's also feeling very overwhelmed. And then acknowledging the SD of the sacrifice she's made in giving up her room for part of the time. Rather than the OP just making the decisions herself and putting her foot down, and saying things like 'I'm the breadwinner so I decide' which is going to immediately escalate the conflict and potentially destroy the relationship with the SD.

How about a folding desk? You can get fairly decent sized ones that you can then fold away and put under SD’s double bed when not using?

Wow I thought i was harsh thinking that SD doesn’t get a choice about what happens to her room while she’s not there. This is next level. Her husband is unwell, he’s not a scrounger, and of course her SD should have a room. Making it a hybrid room is reasonable, putting her in the couch is unnecessarily cruel

Yes I agree I am team ops initial suggestion.
I also think that the boy who lives there full time and will have toys to store and play dates etc should have the bigger bedroom.
so a high bed with a desk underneath in the box room sounds the most sensible, or a single and a desk if there is space. .

op I think the biggest mistake here is telling dsd what will happen to her room when she’s not there. She probably wouldn’t have thought twice about it if it hadn’t been mentioned to her.

I would just tell her this is her room and explain why (she doesn’t store her things there or invite friends for sleepovers there so doesn’t need so much storage space). And just stop talking to her about where you work. Tell your DH it’s not open to debate when you head off there in the mornings. He clears out the space so it’s nice for her when she comes to stay. Problem solved.

op is sorry you’re under all this stress. Please only stay with DH if he is actually a kind man that is a team with you. I hope he gets well soon.

You could've added another sentence with the less convenient relevant information in the same time as it took you to say you couldn't write an entire imaginary thread, though. Or left out the bits that you thought were more favourable to your point instead of less!

I agree about the communication. DP is behaving unreasonably and unrealistically in expecting OP to work at the kitchen table, especially with a small child around a lot of the time. May not be in DS4s interests to have someone conducting a full time job in his living space either. It would be best to set this out.

There's no other choice. They'll have to learn to compromise.

It’s not taken into consideration for benefits

Downsizing because your husband has cancer seems rather premature
and…. Pessimistic!!

He was on presumably a very high salary of giving £700 a month for one child - but his company doesn’t have enhanced sick leave? And he didn’t have critical illness cover?

and is the situation such that he will never be able to return to work full time and always work only a very few hours?

Seems like big time jumping the gun. Plus… you also went the added stress and massive expense of actually moving?

I would reconsider the entire move. Sounds very premature!

OP has mentioned multiple surgeries already, so I wouldn't assume there was no enhanced sick pay at all. Most such policies are time limited.

Her SD will have a room.

with a desk in it, that the OP will use only when SD isn’t there.

no different to me using my daughters desk if I wanted to.

No critical illness cover for a high income earner is unusual

and id be surprised if a company that was still using him, and he was in a very high earning role with associated benefit wasn’t paying enhanced sick leave on an ongoing basis

So you are having to economise to support your partner's ex wife who has had a further two children with another man who has cleared off. I am sorry but hell would freeze over before I agreed to this. Yes, her situation is sad if the children have special needs but it is not your responsibility. Apart from the fact that you are having to downsize - because you are supporting his ex - you are keeping the whole show on the road. Of course you are stressed. Frankly some of your needs must be met. The thing about economising is that people have to give up some things they find desirable. I mean your step daughter would probably desire to keep her own bedroom for her own sole use but that is one of the things that she will be obliged to compromise on given there is much less money coming into the household. I think that everybody has to compromise but I don't think that working at the kitchen table is a compromise you should have to make.

Of course you don't want to work at a kitchen table - it is utterly unprofessional to do so. A colleague and I once had serious meeting with somebody - it was basically a not very good performance appraisal and what we expected they had to change - and we realised part way through that he was in the kitchen and his wife was serving dinner. It did not fill us with confidence. I do work from home two days a weeks and I have a separate office and peace and quiet. I know you can put up a background and adjust teams to cut out background noise but it's not ideal. I think your DP is being utterly unreasonable - and I appreciate he is sick and fighting cancer - but he can't expect you to do everything and fit around everybody else's desires. Your job is precious and you must do everything to safeguard it.

I understand where you're coming from and it does seem logical from your pov to use that room while she's not there, but can also see it from her pov too, not being happy about someone else using 'her' room 5 days out of 7.

Do you have space for a garden room or similar? Garage conversion?

Well not until you, his spouse, had died presumably

I think your solution makes sense. Basically she gets a decent sized room to herself when she comes but there’s a desk there that’s used when she’s not there. I don’t see the issue especially if she doesn’t have much stuff. A desk can be useful for people to have in their room.

Yes but she will already be getting that. So her income will still drop £600 if OP decides not to top it up

Perhaps you both need to sit down with your SD and explain how important your job is at the moment and that everyone is trying to look after each other during this very stressful period. Sharing the room is just a small way she could help and emphasise that she will have it completely to herself when she is with you.

OP you have a lot of your plate and it's clear the least you can ask for is a desk.space.
I would.ideallt suggested renting a space in a share office but it sounds like you can't afford it would lay cards on the table with DSD and DH and explain where compromises need to be made. Acknowledge that this is not great for DSD but if point out that if you break all of them topple with you so needs must.

Ultimately your DH can't be too fussy as he's leaning on you a lot. You could make your DS have the smaller room and get him to.play kn the common areas while you share the bigger bedroom with dsd as a goodwill gesture.

What does being married have to do with it?