To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Oh off you trot back under your bridge @GlovedhandsCecilia

Oh stop it

You may have missed a recent post from OP where she wrote:

No, I need to prioritise not losing my job. I am on medication for stress, and have already taken time off to support DP through surgeries. Trying to work in an open plan kitchen with people around, or spending 18hrs a day in my bedroom, won’t work.

I presume you don't think it would be a choice if following your advice caused her sufficient stress that she lost her job?

If WFH she needs a private undisturbed space to work. That’s the point. Given your previous horrible (and deleted) comment l have to ask are you sure you understand the issue here or are you just a keyboard warrior ?

@SamphireSupper I think you sound like a genuinely nice person dealing with a lot of crap stuff

most women / people would be absolutely horrible about paying SD mother the same support when it’s not legally required especially if it was coming out of their salary
You have no need to - but you choose to because you don’t want your SD and her mum to suffer

your keeping everything afloat
if you sink so will everyone else

so take the room that suits you best
your the person who is literally keeping the wheels turning

wish you all the best and look after yourself
if that means treating yourself now and then don’t feel guilty

you won’t get any brownie points for doing the right stuff

@GlovedhandsCecilia why the hell should OP who is financially supporting herself, her DS, her DP and her DSD, plus her DP’s former partner and her children - who are no relation to the OP whatsoever - have to sit at a cramped kitchen table, or be squeezed into a corner of her bedroom or in her DS’s room when there is a room that is EMPTY for the hours OP works. It is utter madness.

OP is the one who needs to be prioritised here as she is the only one keeping everyone else afloat.

OP no wonder you are on stress medication, you are supporting a family of 5 (none of whom you are related to) as well as yourself and your own young son.

You are not responsible for any of these extra people.

Help them if you want but not at the expense of your sons wellbeing and your health and wellbeing.

The other two adults are responsible for paying for and housing their own children.

I hope the new house is in your name and that you separate yours and your partners finances completely.

Imagine if you split with your partner, how much better off would you be. I am not saying split up but may be worth thinking about that.

If SD is staying that infrequently then why not a spare bed in your sons room or a sofa bed in the living room. You and your son come before your Partners SD in your own home.

This house does meet everyone’s needs. It doesn’t meet one unreasonable want of the dsd that her dad is indulging.

Given @GlovedhandsCecilia‘s previous comments, I’m not so sure.

Exactly.

Split up with her partner who has cancer?

OP, you're already on medication for stress - you need to think about the level of stress you are living with, and get more support if necessary

Ah, so now OP is abusive. While supporting DH’s ex so that DSD’s standard of living isn’t affected ? Don’t make me laugh.

You do realise that OP’s son is also her DH’s ?

This seems like a really tough situation for everyone involved. Someone might have already asked this but does SD even have to know that you are working in her room? If she is only there for the weekend then she will be none the wiser. Why not go ahead with your plan anyway and just not tell her. When things settle down a bit after the move you and her dad can talk to her.

OP whatever solution you decide on, it doesn’t have to be a permanent one but it does need to work for you and it should be handled sensitively, considering SD’d mental health and home situation.

You are doing the right thing, OP

My only advice is to make it better for DSD by letting her choose colours etc and buying a lovely (but practical) desk and chair. Put your laptop away after work and she’ll never notice that her room has been used.

I hope all goes well.

I think the 5 referred to are the DP, the SD, the Dps's ex, and the ex's 2 younger children.

Doesn't include the OP's son

Even that.

Reported.

You've reported me! Why?

Yes, just seen them. Apologies.

You have to prioritise your health too here. You can't pour from an empty cup. I would put a desk in the SDs room, and I like the idea of screening it off if it helps the SD feel like she has her own private space. Assuming that actually is her issue. You can't work from a kitchen table, it'll be stressful and terrible for your back.

And I know this isn't the question you've asked, but are you sure moving is the right choice? I'm in a similar situation, DH has cancer and earning are minimal, our fixed rate mortgage proof ends next year and I'm already worrying about how we are going to afford higher repayments. I looked into moving costs vs higher repayments. The cost of moving would fund 7 years of the mortgage increase. I know that's not money of have to find up front as the house sale would fund the move, but it gave me a different point of view.

I know it doesn't help when you are actually just unable to afford the mortgage full stop. If I downsize I'll be reducing my asset value and moving a bit further from my existing support network. I'll gain a bit from the reduction of financial stress in the near term and I'm sure there'll be advantages to a change of location, so that part of the pros and cons didn't help me decide. The Q of if DH dies would I rather be in my current home or somewhere else, really did help though, along with the longer term financial situation viewpoint.

Have you thought of asking the mortgage company for a payment holiday, or extending you term? Not actually sure you can extend the term until you come to the end of a fixed rate period tho.

Moving for us is not off the table but we've both agreed it's absolutely last resort and we're going to try everything else to stay put. It fixes the now problem, but downgrades our longer term situation.

I know your situation will be different and I'm not saying my decision is better, I thought it worth flagging just in case you hadn't looked at it.

Sorry l meant the post you quoted, not your own.

No worries ☺️.
I'm confused why you've reported me, though!

I think this is totally fair.