To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

I’d give her the choice of a single bed in the small room or the bigger bed in her room which will be completely her room except you will use and then leave an empty desk when she’s there.

If she chooses the small room, then you can rearrange ds’s bigger room so you have a completely tidy corner partitioned off with ikea kallax units or something. You can make it private and then you don’t have to worry about the tidiness of the rest of his room.

Obviously use the room. SD should understand that being part of a family is pitching in. It would be so unfamilial not to let you use the room while she's not there.

Well that’s not comparable is it? Because in your example the child would be the OP’s biological child rather than SC.

Nothing to do with CMS. Yes she could. For the disabled kids. and if she worked a few hours a week she could also claim somethings else that I can't remember.

It doesn’t change the fact that I’d need to use it whilst DS also wants to use it, and SD’s room sits empty.

Not only does OP pay for the house but she’s now providing the bulk of the CMS payments her DH can no longer manage. Which is the reason for downsizing. If she’s the breadwinner and has not only her own family, but her DH’s ex relying on her income then l think that’s absolutely enough reason for the decision to be hers.

She does work a few hours a week. She gets a lot in benefits but most of it goes on her rent.

If your DP is only required to pay his ex £100 per month CMS but voluntarily pays her £600 on top of that, are you 100% certain that the £600 extra he voluntarily pays her isn't taken into account for the purpose of assessing benefits?

I'd have thought the £600 he doesn't need to be paying her would definitely come into any benefits assessment. If she isn't entitled to it as CMS why wouldn't it be taken into account?

@SamphireSupper Why not give the SD the larger room as you are planning but with a 3/4 bed and then split the room with a divider so she still has HER room (like she would if she shared with a sibling).
Then You have your desk on the door side and clear it at the weekends (into cabinets that are there with the desk). Then she has a room the same size as DS AND use of your desk but privacy as well?
Works all round then.

OP you don't have to justify yourself.

It's obvious that you should use the empty room as an office during working hours. I can't see that your DP has given any reason why that should not be other than he doesn't want you to and that's just not reasonable.

If her children have additional needs, she can apply for DLA for them. If she is also on UC she will get the disabled child element too, and the carers element for one child. This is a potential increase to her household income of between £550 and £2400, depending on rates of course.

I can’t believe the posters saying that a desk in SD room isn’t right. It’s just a desk! Surely SD will need to use a desk at some point for her schoolwork anyway.

Put SD in the bigger room, get a desk that looks nice with her current furniture and use it when she isn’t there. It’s not a big deal!

OP you are dealing with a lot and keeping two families afloat right now. You’re doing a great job and I hope you’re able to take time for yourself so you don’t burn out.

No, but perhaps I didn't make myself clear enough. The hypothetical male OP would have a DSD who spends weekends there, lives with their DPs other parent the majority of the time and said other parent is in exactly the same circumstances.

Ideally of course it would be great if she had her own room, but in your current situation can you afford for someone who's the house a grand total of four days every month dictate how everyone else will live there full time?

You think him leaving the OP would have a positive impact on the SD? 🤣🤣

So it would be better for OP to lose her job and then everyone is fucked. How bloody stupid and spiteful are you.

Just not the way the system works. Income based benefits don't take maintenance into account at all, because when we tried that a few decades ago, we ended up with some parents penniless cos the ex was playing silly buggers. And DC with AN may also be entitled to DLA which isn't income based at all.

You don’t need to negotiate with SD or DP. You have to have a private place to work undisturbed and it’s in “her” room. You can get folding desks - to slide under her bed? But really a desk isn’t a big deal. She can use it as a dressing table when she’s staying. You’re working to provide for everyone including her mum and they all need to be a bit more grateful tbh!

OP I think you need to say what you want from this thread.

You don’t want suggestions of other options.
You have already decided this is what’s happening despite their objections.

Are you looking for backup to go to your DP with/ to stand your ground?
Do you want suggestions of how to manage this so it limits the fallout with your SD? Including how you communicate why this needs to happen and there’s no other option with your DP and SD. Because there have been some really good suggestions for that on this thread.

Child DLA and carers allowance for the children, which l’m guessing she’s already claiming. If she’s on UC the CA would be deducted in full and replaced with a £48 carers premium. OP says she works minimally so there would be an earnings threshold at which point CA would be lost. My point was that if she’s already claiming all she can, then the loss of CMS won’t entitle her to any more because it doesn’t affect her benefits anyway.

@GlovedhandsCecilia "I hope he leaves you"

Did you read the bit where her DP has cancer and she's trying to keep the family afloat?!

i think your unreasonable on its own for giving the bigger room to the child that’s there 4 days a month. Not to mention I wouldn’t use a child’s room for my work space I’d do better and find a solution downstairs

I regularly help older teens get away from parents who treat them this way. As a parent, ut is your job to supply your kid a bed. Whatever bed you give them is theirs. This idea that it's all your stuff that you lend them is how very abusive parents control their children.

I'm not saying you cannot "downgrade" their bed from double to single, but this idea that you van becauae it's not theirs anyway is very toxic and a big red flag for agencies and authorities that deal with the welfare of children. How far will it go? Food? Warmth? Water?

Most of it goes on rent?? It's obvious here that SD mum needs to move to a cheaper rental in the same school area as currently. She needs to double check what benefits she is 'entitled to' and your DH needs to stop paying for 2 kids that aren't his. That solves your problem (you don't need to move), and she still gets money for the kids (but from the tax payer as well as your DH).