To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Her attendance has been below where we and school would like it to be. She is very upset about her stepdad leaving, about her mum’s emotional state, and now about her dad being unwell.

OP says that the ex is supporting SD to be back at school full time. This would indicate school refusal, or some sort of illness and/or anxiety..

Sorry, I cross posted with my guess about what was happening.
So the SD sounds very vulnerable. What an awful situation, poor girl.

It’s fine, no issues. I wouldn’t say we were extremely close but we get on fine when she’s here.

I know. Some kids really go through it, don't they?

If your DP died, would you still pay the cms to his ex?

I rather think that if OP is downsizing so that they can continue to pay his ex the same level of CMS and DSD is saying no to her room being multi use, it’s OP wants and needs being stomped on, not the other way around.

No I wouldn’t. At this point, SD would receive money from his estate (as would DS).

I think you're showing a lot of compassion to SD's mum.

I agree that your desk should be in SD's room. It's a practical solution to have a 'door you can shut' when there are other people in the house

Is there a way to make it 'her desk' when she's there but easily change it over into yours? Meaning there is desk 'decor' that she would like (lamp, notepads, pencil/pen holder, corkboard, etc) with whoever/whatever she likes. Then when she's not it could be taken down easily for a more 'professional' or adult look.

Nothing to add that others haven’t but just want to say my goodness, you are as a family going through a lot. I’ve been there with a husband with cancer and small kids, wft etc. it’s brutal.
all you can do is acknowledge this lovingly to your SD and say that none of you like the situation you find yourselves in but you are all doing the absolute best you can - which you are by maintaining the payments to the ex. You sound like a giant of a woman. X
Sending love to you all and best wishes to your DH for his recovery. Take care of yourself.

I think I must be really callous, because I would want to get away from all of this, these people and their problems.

This is much more than hot desking, and your dp having cancer does put a sense of urgency on things - given he can't work.

You aren't married yet you are assuming all of this financial responsibility and taking away from your own son, so given these major updates OP, the conversation should be one way, and final.

When your partner's dd isn't at your house, the room becomes the office that aids the work you do to facilitate all of these people having a roof over their heads!

Controversial thought - SD has a home, and her own room, at her mum's house. Where she spends 86% of her time per month, which is her choice.

And which is now financially facilitated by her SM.

She stays over at her DF's and SM's house for 2-4 days per month (max 14% of time per mth), where she currently has sole use of a bedroom. She doesn't leave much stuff there.
I'd be willing to bet she doesn't look on it as 'home'.
I'd bet she refers to it as 'staying at her dad's place'.

But due to changing health and financial circumstances, things have to change. She will still get to stay in a room that no-one else sleeps in, that's bigger than her step brother's, that she can decorate to her taste.

No, she didn't choose to be born, for her parents to split up, for her mum to remarry, for her mum to have 2 more kids who also have SEN, for her dad to have cancer etc etc.

Her stepbrother didn't choose to be part of a blended family either.

Her dad didn't choose to get cancer.

Her SM didn't choose to be the main breadwinner.

But life happens, circumstances change, and compromises have to be made. 🤷‍♀️
A desk in the room you sleep in 14% of the time is really not a big deal.

Can / does SD mum work?

CMS isn’t counted as income for benefit purposes.

Exactly.

Unfortunately there's now less money coming in. Every adult and child in both households need OP to keep doing her job and earning well, which means a suitable workplace in the home. Money can't be spent twice, so unless anyone knows of a better house for an affordable price in the locality, it's either a worsened room situation for DSD or less maintenance. There's no good choice here. Cancer is a twat.

Absolutely this.

Payment they are giving is 700 a month
Not week

YANBU OP. Your DP is being a bit of a dick though.

But again the OP has described it as her decision to move and downsize, and her decision to continue paying the CMS at that level.

And then she basically keeps saying: I’m the breadwinner so I should be able to decide this, despite what my DP and SD want.

Earning more money doesn’t mean you get to make unilateral decisions about huge things that affect everyone.

She also admits the child doesn’t know this and doesn’t want to tell her so from the SD’s point of view her dad and partner have moved to a new property in which there isn’t space for her, and her bedroom is of secondary importance to her Stepmother’s office. That is unfortunately how she will see it if they don’t involve her in this decision.

In that case, I don't think she can really complain, if you will literally just be sitting at her desk with a laptop on days when she's not there. It would be different if you were wanting to keep files etc in there all the time.
Occasionally I have to be in a Teams/Zoom work thing from home, and I just find any space in the house that's quiet at that time.

Yes, I think they should talk to her about it, but I'm wondering if the SD is particularly vulnerable at the moment, as she's just getting back into school, she might be a bit overwhelmed.

Could she access that money as a child and would she be expected to use it to live off?

Really interesting how on this thread the breadwinner is encouraged to feel that means they can dictate things, while on other threads being the breadwinner does not mean they get to dictate.

i wonder why…