To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

She doesn't get the option to try to tell you no. It makes perfect sense.

It’s me driving the move. We have a large mortgage which is not sustainable. Frankly, if DP dies, I can afford the new house alone. And if he gets better, we can move in 5 years time when SD is an adult and DS is at a time when he needs more bedroom space.

Ok, but why are you supporting the ex and her 2 other children?

You paying the £700 means that is money she cant claim in benefits.. unless she's not declaring it. ?
But with two disabled children she should be eligible to claim a fair amount, so you giving her £700 instead of £ 100 is you pissing away £600 and as it turns out, your home !!!!

You may be surprised at how much the ex is getting through benefits - potentially £500 per month for each child if they qualify for DLA, and extra money from universal credit if caring responsibilities affect her ability to work.

I think you need to be creative with the desk get one that folds flat against the wall and have a set of drawers on wheel where you wheel out into your room along with the chair
so when she’s there at weekends it’s just a normal room
something like this

If it was a bloke who came on here and said their wife had become ill and as he was now the breadwinner he was going to unilaterally decide his SC's bedroom doubled up as his office people would be up in arms!

There have been a lot of suggestions as to how else she might be able to work in peace.

And also a lot of suggestions as to how she could discuss this with her DP and SD to protect the relationship with the SD so that it's compromising and finding a solution as a family rather than her stomping all over what they want.

can't do right for doing wrong. somehow, sharing a room with SD is horrendous, but maintaining support for SD mum, which ensures SD other home is stable, is madness. which is it?! we want the best for SD (at the expense of DS) or we don't?!

OP, I think you're a saint and your plan sounds like the best possible outcome for everyone involved at the moment. What a tough situation you've found yourself in. I hope it all eases up soon.

I wouldnt even be discussing this beyond a token "i see what youre both saying. But no, desk is going in SD room"

YANBU. Absolutely not unreasonable AT ALL.

The only way is which you ARE being unreasonable is to continue paying £700 towards funding children that are not only not yours, but not even your DPs! SEN or not, they are not your responsibility. Or his for that matter.

There are 2 options, either SD has the bigger room and sucks up sharing a desk (that she's not even there to use) or she has the box room and shuts up about the bloody double bed.

As for your DP, whilst the fact he is ill is difficult and upsetting, he HAS to understand that YOU alone are funding his lifestyle, and your job has to be a priority because it's literally keeping a roof over his head and food on the table.

They both sound incredibly selfish

Cant you put a desk in your bedroom?

I don't know what "we" want? Who is the "we" in this instance?

I think this is perfectly reasonable, you will only be using the room when she isn't there and you can clear your work things out. I am sure she would prefer that to the box room and a single bed.

@Geneticsbunny why on earth should she? She's funding absolutely everything (including 2 kids that aren't even her DPs let alone hers) and she should spend 18 hours a day in one room for that? No chance, how on earth is that fair?

I think your proposal to work in your stepdaughter's bedroom is the best option, in these circumstances.

Is her concern that you will be in her bedroom (forgetting that you already go in there to clean)? That she won't be able to decorate to her taste or leave stuff lying around, if she currently does? Rather than a desk, which you share, could you plan to get some sort of cupboard for all your work stuff so it would be shut away completely every weekend?

CMS isn’t counted as income when benefits are given out.

She’s on the waiting list for a council house, she’s supporting SD to be back at school full-time, and she’s just been cheated on and deserted and left in a lot of debt. I have said I’ll ensure she’s paid as she was for now, then we will need to review in six months and a year.

How do you know that people would be "up in arms" if the sexes were reversed? That's quite an assumption.
My advice would be the same.

So definitely can’t be done at the kitchen table!

Exactly this.

Circumstances are difficult, so everyone in the house is unfortunately going to have to belt tighten, and not be able to have all the things they might like. DSD as a member of the household can no more be immune from this than DS can. Shit happens, has happened.

DPs unfortunate illness makes it even more important that you as breadwinner have a suitable remote working setup, and DSDs bedroom is the least worst option. She can always have lockable draws or storage if she has particular worries about privacy.

Ok, so in this turbulence, your SD has not been at school?
This really puts a different complexion on things, about how vulnerable she is.

I don’t have a spare 10k to build a garden room, and I’m not spending 50hrs a week in a cupboard under the stairs when there’s a perfectly good room sat empty!

Quite. Yet another thread where common sense goes out the window because there is a step child involved. You can't keep a bedroom/shrine unoccupied the majority of the time just because a step child uses it occasionally. No wonder this country has a housing crisis.

ETA: sharing is a way of life for many families

13 is a tricky age. Her dad is ill, he's moving house, he's got a toddler who is claiming his attention... now she's not even allowed a fully private space in the new house. I see your point OP but I can also see her POV.

Is there really no other house you can afford that allows her to have her own room while giving you a decent home-working space?

Best wishes to your DH for his health.

That’s what I mean by “losing your home” - moving to a different home that doesn’t quite meet the family’s needs. And it clearly doesn’t.

And you’re losing security by moving to a smaller home in these circumstances as it won’t be worth as much.

I would be rethinking “maintaining our lifestyle” as a priority as well as the large amounts of maintenance.

Have I missed why DSD is not at school?