To be so angry after watching "Love on the Spectrum"

[Jobs4kids]

As the parent of two high functioning young adults. Admittedly I only watched one episode (no wish to watch anymore) but was dismayed to see that all the autistic people featured were infantised and presumably picked for their entertainment value (awwww bless them). I actually watched it after overhearing a colleague say how funny it was.

I feel it's representative of just one type of autistic person - those that come across as frankly odd (for want of a better word), obviously autistic with terrible social skills, and who in many cases can't live independently/attend mainstream education. It's an extremely wide spectrum and many people with ASD, such as my kids, don't come across like that all! My son, while quite quiet, has an excellent job and interacts in public very normally (can be a bit quirky behind closed doors though!) My daughter is away at uni and comes across as very outgoing and socially able with a large circle of friends, including a few who are also high functioning ASD. Many of her newer friends don't know she's autistic (only brings it up if relevant to the conversation) and she says most she's told seem surprised, although one remarked "ah that's why you're so good at chess!". That's not to say being autistic doesn't cause her a lot of difficulty - she's an expert masker, which is why she wasn't diagnosed until nearly 18, and there are times she needs to go into hibernation as her social battery gets depleted as all the acting "normal" is incredibly exhausting. She also constantly worries about how she comes across, replaying interactions in her head and is prone to depression, anxiety and self harming (has started counselling to help manage all this). She can also meltdown in private. While she's not had a serious relationship as yet, she's had a lot of interest (no surprise, she's extremely attractive) and I worry some may be put off upon finding out she's autistic, especially after watching programmes like this!

I think it's a shame they don't also include people like my kids and some of their friends in the programme to demonstrate the vastness of the spectrum or it because they would make very boring TV as you couldn't laugh at them?!

Sorry for the rant but both my husband and myself were so cross after watching this and pray my kids don't see it!

It’s easy done if you’re good at reading other people and knowing what they want from you. I was highly masking all through my 20s and late teens. Drinking an obscene amount also helped. It made me less anxious and more social. I almost became an alcoholic in my drive to mask and fit in. Even as a very young child I remember listening to others playing and trying to work out what to say / do as it didn’t come naturally to me.

Completely agree. It’s the most heart warming and uplifting show. For some of the cast who’ve been on there for a few seasons the confidence they’ve gained is incredible to see.

Agree. I haven't seen the show, so can't really talk to that aspect, although I think shows like this are often inherently exploitative. That said, even going beyond OP's outrageous attitude to autistic people with high support needs (wonder what she'd think of my non-verbal autistic child) what would be the value in a TV dating show for people who interact - quote - "very normally"? How would it raise awareness or educate?

There's something, not right about this insidious creep of the domination in public awareness of incredibly "high functioning" autistic people. That's not to say they don't exist but they're almost exclusively the only voices we hear. I imagine (having seen adverts for Love on the Spectrum) that many of the participants would have actually, a few years ago, been considered "high functioning" and so to almost begrudge even their presence on TV shows like this (or at least too much of their presence) means autistic people of even moderate support needs are shunted even further out of representation. This is not even beginning to talk about autistic people with high and very high support needs. Many of us with non-speaking or otherwise more severely disabled autistic children feel they are being erased from autism all together. And then some of the members of the autistic community with the most ability to advocate for themselves turn around and say that severely disabled autistic people simply must have a co-occuring learning disability and that they are best represented by that group, quite literally pushing out the more severely disabled autistic people. It's also not always true - many high support needs autistic people, the ones for whom the diagnosis was first developed, don't actually have a learning disability at all - but they do have speech delays and very strong classic autistic traits with low masking. I.e. they will always be seen as not "normal" by people like the OP.

I appreciate that autistic people like OP's children still require representation, support, understanding etc, but there really needs to be a balance here and at least some of the voice given to those who need it the most.

they can’t mask 24/7 it would lead to catastrophic
burn out. I am very wary when people say things like this, it’s very likely the autism diagnosis is not true.

Actually, I have dated a so-called highly functioning autistic man.
He was charming and handsome and easily got girlfriends.
Once the first flush of romance faded, however, it was hard to not see the things he did as a bit 'off'.
Would really lock into a subject for hours on his computer about very niche subjects.

Would go on about them for ages even when it was obvious that I had zero interest in the subject.

We split for other reasons but while you could possibly make this into a film there's no way you could make a TV documentary out of it.

Even as a film, it wouldn't be very interesting.
Maybe a book.

I suspect for a lot of people with autism (like me) the initial stages of a relationship become their “special interest” in itself. I know I’m like that. The whole intoxicating falling in love thing is all encompassing to us and that combined with our hyper focus we can become very “all in”. But like anything else that wears off over time and we revert back to our other special interests (with me that’s serial killers, DIY projects and very niche specialist knowledge in a particular autoimmune issue I have - I advise in a group). It’s definitely been a pattern for me and I’ve seen it in others that I’ve dated who have autism too.

Mainstream “high functioning” doesn’t need exposure though do they?

OP’s daughter has a big circle of friends, job etc. in what ways does her autism present? Needing a bit of down time sometimes? What even does the diagnosis do?

for gods sake. This over diagnosing actively makes life more difficult for people with a genuine disability

How does it hurt you exactly?

How can you be good at reading people and knowing what they want from you, if you have a social and communication impairment?

Sure, a person may spend their lives watching and trying to copy others etc, but that doesn’t mean they would ever be good at it, certainly not enough to completely fool others all the time like OPs DD.

Movies and shows routinely fuck up just about everything about autistic people and yes will happily use them as jesters if they actually autistic people at all.

For the record, for anyone who doesn't know this, autistic people feel empathy just fine, in fact are often over empathetic, but sometimes miss micro expressions or unclear messaging about feelings so occasionally may not react if you are upset unless you let them know you are upset.

Some, of course, are not particularly empathetic. Just like every other person in the world.

They're not aggressive, bad tempered or surly either - or at least if they are it has nothing to do with autism. That's called their personality.

Some low functioning (some of you don't like that phrase but tough shit it's a descriptor we understand) autistic people act out. They're in the minority.

There is a massive spectrum of cognitive functioning and each autistic person is an individual and unlike the other autistic people you may have met. Just like everyone not on the spectrum.

Oh, and many prefer to be called autistic people to people with autism.

Just seeing the teasers was plenty for me, I don't watch bigoted, ignorant shit that pushes stereotypes about autistic people. Those shows are both boring and annoying in equal measure.

I work with a lovely , absolutely sweet and capable ASD young guy. He knows he wants to date and get married and have kids. I encouraged him.

Not seen this movie, or docu or ......it is but seems they want to open with it the life of dating and relationships to even more autistic people so they don't feel robbed of that having a sexual partner or warmth and love from their preferred sex?? - in practical terms not sure how sex can work out if someone needs 24/7 care and change of nappies but who knows, they might train carers in the future to be on bystand and help them with such delicate life situations? - not sure is this what the movie is all about

I also think it's a joke that the OP's kids are diagnosed (I mean what even is autism then 🙄 I fully agree with Uta Frith).

I don't mind Love on the Spectrum but think the bigger issue it raises is that many of these individuals who have time, support, and a platform with which to build sucessful relationships despite their quite high support needs have extremely wealthy families. David, Abbey, Tanner, Connor. I think Steve has family money. And this is in the US where they are not big fans of the welfare state!

There are some outliers as the seasons progress where their means seem more modest - but for the most part success in life - or at least the ability to overcome obscales - whether you are autistic, disabled, not disabled, male, female everyone is contingent on how much money you are born into.

But as usual, we descend into the usual high functioning low functioning arguments.

My brother is almost 40 and cannot read or write, cannot manage in any social setting, will never be able to live independently, never had a relationship and likely never will, cannot work, would not wash if not reminded etc. he loves the show, he feels like the people on it are his friends. He relates to them and finds humour in it. If the show isn’t your thing then fine, not everything is about you

right....I saw an youtube video about an autistic guy who married a Dawn syndrome girl...all supported by the parents. They live separately and see each other daily....under supervision? Where are the moral implications about both their humans rights and desires? What happens if she gets pregnant? These are people whose lives are predetermined by their relatives who have the charge over the legal matters and a show is made about the most delicate part of us - our love needs? So typically disgraceful, only Americans can do such a thing with such brash attitude

The people on the show ARE the high functioning/would previously have had an Aspergers diagnosis ones.

Anyone with autism as the term was previously understood, won't be dating and getting married.

wow, ain't that the truth

Hard agree.
“extreme parts of the spectrum” made me chuckle.

You only watched one episode, if you had watched more you would have seen young adults much more similar to your children. Couples who find love, get married, mask, don't obviously present as autistic.

I don't think the show is unproblematic - there is an element of what you describe - but it also varies a lot from what I've seen.

Yes this.

That differentiation needs to be brought back in my view

So many people are getting their kids diagnosed for no good reason other than for snapping up benefits and cheapening the diagnosis for those who actually need it

You've sort of described my DH here. We met pretty young but he's a good looking guy, funny, intelligent and well-informed, keeps fit, has a prestigious-sounding job that earns well. If he was single now, I don't think he'd have any trouble getting dates. And he can perform social norms well enough that he wouldn't need coaching for a date. He's had more romantic partners than me.

Anyone who actually had to live with him though would pretty soon need to start making adjustments. But it's not going to be a particularly entertaining documentary about me saying things like "just checking that you're listening to me" (he's not being rude, just doesn't perform listening behaviours at home) or him spending hours making notes on a special interest.

I only watched the first (Australian?) series, but from memory they had interviews with autistic people in long term relationships, and a young woman who was quite a lot like the OP described her daughter. In fact, one of the issues that arose was that some people on the spectrum had profiles that clashed, or that they might be better with an understanding NT partner.

I agree the show isn't unproblematic, but I thought it did a good job of raising the issue that there are people who want romance - and, shock horror, sex! - but might really struggle with the step-by-step process of go and they deserve to have the chance to find others to fulfil them with.

OP, I work with university students and most of them are extremely understanding and accepting of neurodiversity. Your DD is unlikely to be the first autistic person they've encountered, or even their only autistic friend. And she probably doesn't want to date anyone who isn't accepting of part of who she is! If she feels able, I'd encourage her to be more open about her autism: she might actually find it reduces the pressure on her, if needs to mask less around her friends.

Also for the record I consider the people on LotS quite high functioning compared to my son and all the young people at our (actual) autism support groups.

@StartingFreshFor2026 hard agree with everything you've said

They do show a range on the spectrum though, some of the cast members like James, Shelley, Tyler, Dani etc have full-time jobs, driving licences and live independently. Others on the show require much more support.

He was all in at first.
Then he wasn't and he ended it.
I was very hurt by this.
He didn't seem to understand that once you end a relationship that's it, and kept trying to be friends.
He'd come round and I'd be thinking, 'wtf are you doing here?'
It all faded out eventually.

This was a couple of decades ago.
It's only in last 5 years ago that he's been diagnosed with autism.

It's sad really as I adored him and wish I knew what was behind his ways that made no sense at the time.

Too late now. I'm married.

And to be honest, even if I were single and I could reasonably say 'oh that was because he was autistic and not him deliberately being a jerk', I don't think I could get past it anyway as I was so upset by the break-up.