To be so angry after watching "Love on the Spectrum"

[Jobs4kids]

As the parent of two high functioning young adults. Admittedly I only watched one episode (no wish to watch anymore) but was dismayed to see that all the autistic people featured were infantised and presumably picked for their entertainment value (awwww bless them). I actually watched it after overhearing a colleague say how funny it was.

I feel it's representative of just one type of autistic person - those that come across as frankly odd (for want of a better word), obviously autistic with terrible social skills, and who in many cases can't live independently/attend mainstream education. It's an extremely wide spectrum and many people with ASD, such as my kids, don't come across like that all! My son, while quite quiet, has an excellent job and interacts in public very normally (can be a bit quirky behind closed doors though!) My daughter is away at uni and comes across as very outgoing and socially able with a large circle of friends, including a few who are also high functioning ASD. Many of her newer friends don't know she's autistic (only brings it up if relevant to the conversation) and she says most she's told seem surprised, although one remarked "ah that's why you're so good at chess!". That's not to say being autistic doesn't cause her a lot of difficulty - she's an expert masker, which is why she wasn't diagnosed until nearly 18, and there are times she needs to go into hibernation as her social battery gets depleted as all the acting "normal" is incredibly exhausting. She also constantly worries about how she comes across, replaying interactions in her head and is prone to depression, anxiety and self harming (has started counselling to help manage all this). She can also meltdown in private. While she's not had a serious relationship as yet, she's had a lot of interest (no surprise, she's extremely attractive) and I worry some may be put off upon finding out she's autistic, especially after watching programmes like this!

I think it's a shame they don't also include people like my kids and some of their friends in the programme to demonstrate the vastness of the spectrum or it because they would make very boring TV as you couldn't laugh at them?!

Sorry for the rant but both my husband and myself were so cross after watching this and pray my kids don't see it!

I do understand where you’re coming from.

Tbh I’m quite surprised it’s allowed as it is exploitative and purely for entertainment purposes.

Jeremy Kyle was cancelled because it exploited the very vulnerable cast.

I think there’s a very fine line.

But I don’t think it should be cancelled as although people do laugh at them, I think it actually shows ND in a really positive light and makes people a lot more tolerant.

If we look at the media and the portrayal of ND people, it is vastly bad with the majority of murderers, peadophiles etc as being classed as having autism.

So showing that they’re all not dangerous terrorists or even just badly behaved, is a really positive thing.

Eh, probably similar sentiment as with me ever watching Teen Mom.

I’ve not seen the programme so can’t comment on it at all. But reading your post you have ‘quirky’ autistic kids who mask their quirks which in the case of your dd has led to significant mental health issues. I’d support your children to feel safe to accept themselves .

If the tax man would give a penny of my taxes back every time some series portrait a woman, foreigner, close to 50, slightly overweight, single parenting, pettite, working in a male dominant industry, on the spectrum, high capable, sometimes very dumb not to my pleasure, this country will be in debt to me untill the sun collapse.
It is just a serie. No need to be angry about a series because you know what they are fictional.

Autism is a spectrum though and affects people differently!!

What is your view of programmes like 'Patience' on channel 4?

I enjoyed it, yet read a scathing article about how stereotypical it is (Patience is a massive follower of rules, routines, takes things literally and has a photographic mind etc)

I completely agree, OP. As someone who is high functioning autistic, it's frustrating to me that only the extreme parts of the spectrum are shown. People then come away thinking that's how we all are. I think it's thoughtless and ableist. The fact they pick the extremes not the mainstream high functioners shows they simply are doing it for entertainment value.

It hurts.

This thread is a very good example of why there are relatively few depictions of autism in factual programming, by the way

Tbh I’m quite surprised it’s allowed as it is exploitative and purely for entertainment purposes.

Agreed. It feels like it's making a mockery of us, it feels very exploitative. I find it very offensive personally and it hurts.

Sound like you need to encourage your daughter and son to allow themselves to appear autistic! Your daughter must be exhausted being an excellent masker and it sound like you encourage it so she doesn't come across as wierd??

I hate this show. I think it's extremely patronising and wrong. They want to be boyfriend and girlfriend as soon as they meet and some clearly lack capacity to navigate a relationship. Again I think it's more about trying to get them to be normal probably for others that themselves. Plus making money out of exploiting them.

I can't bring myself to watch it ..I'm amazed in this day and age something this this exists for entertainment.
I don't know ,I just hope everyone appearing on the show gave informed consent

i love the show and think it highlights that while these young people have some struggles in their day to day life they all want the same as most of us and to find a partner to share life with.
They all appear to have supportive parents who only want the best for them and maybe naively I don’t believe the parents feel their children are being exploited.
I’ve watched all the seasons of the show and have loved to see the growth in confidence of one of the young men in particular since he first came on the show. I’ve found myself rooting for him and was so pleased when he found love. All the interactions between him and his family have been a joy to watch. He may have challenges due to his autism but the show has highlighted there is so much more to him than his diagnosis. Surely that’s a good thing.

We watch reality TV all the time though. I am autistic, and so is my son. My sister is autistic and will always need help. I find the programme to be educational and it has really demystified what autism actually is (aka no we aren't all school shooters or weirdos!). They all seem to have incredibly loving and supportive families who I'm sure would have something to say if they felt their child was being exploited in any way for entertainment. I'm sure they are all paid pretty well for it too. One was on the Kelly Clarkson show with Jack Black and he looked incredibly happy to be there.

I read exactly what you wrote.

I'm a bit torn on this but do find it really uncomfortable reading people saying the participants can't consent because that feels infantalising in itself. Many of the participants have public platforms on social media where they explain how positive the show has been for them. Many (possibly all) of the participants are incredibly intelligent, hold down jobs or run businesses etc. Some live independently. I think there is actually quite a range of people on there and there have been examples of people on there dating neurotypical people. There are aspects of the show I dislike (the weird likes and dislikes bit) but I think it's patronising to say the participants couldn't possibly have made an informed choice to be on the show.

"it's frustrating to me that only the extreme parts of the spectrum are show"

The extreme parts of the spectrum won't be on this show.

You can't make a TV show about what happens in a relationship once it's underway!!
It can take a few years for these traits to be noticed by the partner.
Often in the first flush of romance, some autistic traits in so-called highly functioning autistic people are ignored or written off as quirky or cute if the autistic person is attractive enough.

Op, you may have had a point about more representation but your descriptions of the people on the show as ‘odd’ with ‘terrible social skills’ vs your ‘extremely attractive’ and popular children is rubbing people up the wrong way. It’s not really a good look.

I’ve watched the Undateables but not Love on the Spectrum. People want to see upbeat, happy, interesting and likeable people find love. That’s is the bottom line.

There will surely be ‘high-functioning’ people on shows like First Dates anyway. If you want more representation, your chidlren are welcome to apply to these shows, no?

The fact that you, as a mother of 2 autistic children, called them odd is everything that is wrong with people. I didn't realise there was a spectrum of acceptably autistic.

Agree to disagree

As someone who doesn't have anyone with diagnosed / declared autism in my family or friends, I have found the show really educational, interesting and heartwarming.

Not sure quite how it relates to OPs point, but I have found it particularly interesting that some of the people featured who you (or I anyway) wouldn't necessarily identify as being ND/autistic on initial interaction, actually seemed to have more difficulties with the intricacies and anxieties of dating (and presumably therefore other things in life too) than some of the other people who present outwardly as more 'obviously' autistic. It has really made me aware that there are people, who may be masking very well but are really struggling with things quietly or when at home with their families and to bear that in mind as I go about my life day to day.

It has also driven home to me how different some of their lives could look if they didn't have supportive loving families around them to advocate for them and encourage them to live as full a life as possible and reach their potential whatever that looks like. And in this case, helping them to learn about dating, enabling them to meet people that they might not meet otherwise. Subhod's family in particular really made me tear up, both he and his parents were just so thrilled that he had been able to go on a date which had never happened before. And Abbie's and Connor's mums as well.

I actually rarely watch reality TV, but I have learned so much from this show about autism, even if the aim of it is to entertain rather than educate.

I don't mean this to sound harsh but there is a tendency for some people to view their child with autism (IF so-called high functioning) as being worthy of prestige and distinct from the lowly more obviously autistic people.

Now please, please don't shoot the messenger.
This is not my view!!

I'd bet that the OP is the type that couldn't bear to get her DC "labelled" and is now discusted they have the same 'label' of ASD that the 'odd' ones have.
YABhorrendouslyU OP.

Completely agree. I’ve watched all the seasons and was concerned it would be exploitative. Instead I’ve found it joyous and so uplifting to see these young people navigate their lives. All of them have supportive families and friends. They may have autism but the show has highlighted there is so much more to each of them than the diagnosis.

I’m skeptical of the whole masking thing. I don’t see how a person with ASD can consistently mask to the extent that they have a large group of friends, appear to have no social difficulties, as well as not coming across at all as a little odd/different to other people.

Some parents even claim their toddlers must be masking ASD. It’s nonsense. Child development tells us such young children are not capable of masking.

I think this is very true and I really relate to this.

I am on of the “high functioning” ones, for want of a better description. Always very high achieving at school, was encouraged to apply to Cambridge, top results all throughout everything. Then the wheels came off when I had to get a job and go into the real world. I realise the safety of school and masking had held me up for a long time.

I spent my 20s trying desperately to have normal relationships and fit in but it was exhausting. I was very good at knowing how to get people to like me but not very good at keeping it up. Two divorces later I realised I was never going to be able to have a “normal” relationship. I like my own space too much. I don’t want someone touching me all the time, being in my space, wanting a physical relationship with me - I’ve had times when I’ve wanted this but other times it’s been like a switch going off and I know that’s difficult for someone to live with.

Thankfully 16 years ago I met my dh - who I firmly suspect has autism too although never diagnosed- and we just get each other. We allow each other the space to be ourselves. We have a dc together - now a teen- who has fairly severe autism (and I have an older adult dd too, who is suspect has adhd).

I think sometimes having the type of autism that’s depicted in LOTS is easier in that there’s less masking, people are more their authentic selves earlier on. I wish I had the courage to be more like that, it would have saved everyone a lot of heartache, including me.