I wish my mother would stop framing things she wants to do as help that I should then be grateful for

[Dinosnorous]

This isn’t another grandmothers should step up or not thread. God knows we’ve had enough of those recently.

I am getting frustrated though with my mother not doing anything practical to help me- fine that is her right, but then picking nice things to do (again fine) but framing them as help that I should be grateful for. Even though I don’t want these things and they don’t make my life easier.

So can you feed my cats when I go into hospital to have the baby or shall I get a sitter (even though I don’t know the dates so had to block book a month of care). She’s not looking after the cats- fine I book the sitter problem solved.

If I’m not looking after your cats I can be your birthing partner. Errrr no, please don’t come to the hospital. She has form for thinking she knows best and will ignore my wishes if she thinks her way is better and she causes my anxiety to spike. I’m then accused of being ungrateful because I won’t let her be there.

She’s said she’ll come and stay after the baby is born and help with feeds and things. I’ve said I plan to breastfeed and she said that probably won’t happen and it’s more difficult than I think. I’d like a cheerleader supporting me, not someone sowing seeds of doubt before I’ve already started.

She keeps nagging me about shopping trips to go and get baby stuff- where she wants a day out, but I am so busy working full time and trying to fit in appointments and other bits I don’t have the time for this. I ordered all my nursery furniture online and she sulked.

I understand she is excited, but I dread every call, with a new way she can be “involved” that just requires more work from me, and when I say I can’t do something I am told I am ungrateful- when in reality I am just trying to keep the plates spinning

Oh.she sounds exhausting, why wont she feed the cats ? Does she always want to me centre of attention. I don't know what the answer is except keep.saying no or I am busy.

Do you have a partner/spouse it sounds like you need to use them as a "blocker" so the staying is out you want to do.baby shopping with them etc, it is fine for her to be upset you just need to learn to ignore her.

She basically wouldn’t feed the cats because it would mean she couldn’t be at the hospital with me, as shed need to leave to check in on them. But I wouldn’t want her at the hospital anyway. She would counter decisions made by me and my partner and she sets me on edge- I know my adrenaline always rises when she’s in the room.

On the baby and birth related stuff - I think they get overexcited at the thought of reliving the experience. So it’s well meant, but yes can feel overbearing in an organise stressful time.

You probably need to be direct to stop it - “thank you for all your offers of help, I am getting a bit overwhelmed by them, I will let you know how you can be helpful and let you know”.

I relented and let my mother come and stay post partum and she was mildly helpful, but mainly just reminisced about having her own children and how different (and better…) it was in her day. It was very exasperating.

She rides completely roughshod over him. Not in an argumentative way, she just totally ignores anything that is said that she doesn’t agree with. It’s like he’s speaking to a brick.

So if he says that I wouldn’t want something she’ll ignore that and come to me anyway.

Hostipal usually only allow one birthing partner anyway, so she wouldn’t be allowed if your partner is there. You need to be firm on your boundaries or she will be a bloody nightmare.

From what you have said, it sounds like you have an emotionally immature parent. You're doing the right thing. She cares but is too immature to see past her own needs and desires. You don't have to take her sulking on board. Well done for holding your boundaries on the birth. The comment on breast feeding is quite toxic.

If you can give her something to hold on to that she can look forward to while you are saying no and ignoring her manipulation, she might be better able to cope with not getting her way which would make her easier to deal with. So maybe you do one glorious shopping afternoon for perhaps two baby items with coffee and cake. She has that to look back on. Take photos. You know you've given her something. You don't want her staying with you. Fine. Perhaps when baby has arrived and you are settled, she knows that she can host a little baby party for her friends where you're willing to call in and introduce baby with lots of photos and more cake. Don't be drawn into committing to that with a firm date. But she sounds as if she needs to feel special and involved so these things might lessen the sting that will come with her desires being thwarted. You can only try.

Regarding the guilt tripping, I would be quite firm about that and say kindly but firmly that it is not the case that she is unappreciated as you're fully aware of how lovely it is to have a caring family and your decision not to do x, y or z is simply because it would not work for yourselves and the baby. I might add that it is a pity when accusations like this are made as you find them hurtful and stressful at a time when you need to be thinking of baby so you are going to rest now but are glad to have the opportunity for this chat and hope she has a lovely day. If there is any further contact that day regarding her feelings I would be oblivious to any reason she would be hurt or angry since you remember a positive conversation that cleared the air and you're maintaining a positive energy for the baby now.

This is not the point of the thread, but I just wanted to say that I had 3 children in hospital, and was never away for long enough to need cat care. It was less than 24 hours each time. If you have a problem and need to stay longer, isn't there someone who would drop by and feed them in an emergency?

She basically wouldn’t feed the cats because it would mean she couldn’t be at the hospital with me, as shed need to leave to check in on them. But I wouldn’t want her at the hospital anyway.

Have you told her that?

'Sorry, DP is going to be my birthing partner and we can't have anyone else at the hospital. If you want to do something to help us, the best thing you could possibly do for us is step in feed the cats - that would be a massive help to us because at the moment we're having to pay for a month cat-sitting.'

And this is the problem. I don’t know when exactly it will be or for how long. So she would be the emergency cover if it ended up being a few days or weeks, I don’t have any other people who could commit to the length of time if something were to go wrong - and I don’t want me or my partner to be trying to manage a few friends. So I’ve booked a professional pet sitter to come in twice a day, but have had to basically block book them as on call even though they probably won’t be needed for most of it.

I was accused of using the chance for her to be at the birth of her grandchild as leverage for cat care…

Ah right ! So she is just insisting to be involved you might need to stand firm and stop telling her things or asking her. She just needs to calm down a bit doesn't she?

Again, not really the point of the thread but re the cats, how far do you live from the hospital? I was in for six days when I had my baby and my partner (apart from when I was actually in labour) was allowed to be there between 6am and midnight. So he was able to feed the cat when he went home each night, and before he came in the morning. And then he usually popped home for half an hour during the day. We do only live 15mins from the hospital though. It just seems a bit extreme to book a cat sitter for a month? You may be in and out in 24hrs.

As for your mum though, she sounds hard work, and I think you definitely need to continue with your boundaries.

Oh dear OP. My mother is similar.

You're in your 30s yes? I only learned how to deal with my mother in my 40s. Sadly it mainly meant expecting nothing from her and keeping her at a carefully calculated arms length.

For you right now with this the best advice is as poster upthread said: tell her you will let her know what help you need nearer the time. Then keep her mind busy with small things she would perhaps do well that would help. Is there anything ? Bit of batch cooking? Something like that?

Shes not going to change and you need to adapt your expectations and manage how much info you give to keep your life easy 💐

I'll just add - i have always been quite envious of women who had lovely helpful but non interfering non judgemental mothers.

I have 4 daughters and am doing my damndest to NOT be anything like my mother! I think i'm succeeding because i don't feel held at arms length i feel very close and included.

The positive side of this is that she's giving you a great example of how NOT to be a parent to an adult and how NOT to be a MIL.

Something you can use in 18 years or so 🤣

You need to sort this controlling attitude of hers out before the baby arrives. Sit her down and tell her, how it is going to be. Tell her that the baby's arrival is an experience for you and your DP, she will not be there. You will be bf, she will not be involved and her opinions are unhelpful and unwelcome. If she wants a relationship with her DGC she needs to fit in your framework. Tell her any sulking will create further distance.

I'm struggling to understand how 8% of posters think YABU.

Create your boundaries now, not after baby arrives or things will become much more difficult.

🤣 I agree I need to find something for her to do. I mentioned we’d been batch cooking and she said I couldn’t eat frozen rubbish when the baby was here and we’d need to look after ourselves better. She’d come round and cook whenever we needed feeding. Again, seems generous, but is just creating reasons to be there.

Ahhh, my MIL was like this.

Wanted to be at the birth so offered to help drive me to the hospital - she lives an hour away and it's a ten minute drive!

Wanted to help by having the pram delivered to hers instead of ours - we WFH! As it was she only delivered the pram to us days before I gave birth.

"We'll come to visit whenever it suits you, just let us know, whenEVER is good for you." Us - "these hours are best" - "oh, no, what about this?"

I think it's a bit of temporary insanity. The desperate want to insert themselves in combined with wanting to help. The former overriding the latter.

She's still a bit "desperate" in her approach a few years later - we are reasonable people, I promise, but the way she communicates/manipulates to get what she wants or do what she thinks is helpful is very frustrating!

Honestly, you need to start being really blunt with her now or she will be an even worse nightmare when your baby is here.

Her behaviour is so self-centred and selfish that it will probably have the opposite effect as eventually you and your partner will probably agree that she needs to be completely cut off because she won't recognise any boundaries at all.

Her treatment of your partner is incredibly rude and you need to put a stop to that now.

I wonder if you can manage her rather than blocking her, so give her a shopping list to buy or just arrange a day and just meet her look around and cute baby clothes and then it is out of her system?

Oh yes! The why don’t you get it delivered here! I’ve had that too. Honestly, I can’t even see how that would be remotely helpful.

Pleased you’ve survived, even if it’s been a struggle!

So now you have the measure of her stand firm. Dcats are sorted. No need to let her know you are in labour.. Tell her when you feel happy to. Ime breastfeeding isn't a problematic issue. We are mammals. Have breasts =feed baby. A skill to be learnt yes but not a hurdle likely to fall at..
If she needs to feel needed have a pile of ironing dropped off. Keep her busy for a few days!
Tell her you need to focus on your newborn - not a job for her that is it?
I hope she doesn't have a key... Keep your door locked and don't answer the door of she turns up uninvited.. Text later you were napping but she is welcome on x afternoon..

Oh there is a good point does she have a key ?

I get on well with my mother and she has decent boundaries, but I still wouldn’t want her with me whilst giving birth !

All I can advise is to match her energy and become a brick to her