I wish my mother would stop framing things she wants to do as help that I should then be grateful for

[Dinosnorous]

This isn’t another grandmothers should step up or not thread. God knows we’ve had enough of those recently.

I am getting frustrated though with my mother not doing anything practical to help me- fine that is her right, but then picking nice things to do (again fine) but framing them as help that I should be grateful for. Even though I don’t want these things and they don’t make my life easier.

So can you feed my cats when I go into hospital to have the baby or shall I get a sitter (even though I don’t know the dates so had to block book a month of care). She’s not looking after the cats- fine I book the sitter problem solved.

If I’m not looking after your cats I can be your birthing partner. Errrr no, please don’t come to the hospital. She has form for thinking she knows best and will ignore my wishes if she thinks her way is better and she causes my anxiety to spike. I’m then accused of being ungrateful because I won’t let her be there.

She’s said she’ll come and stay after the baby is born and help with feeds and things. I’ve said I plan to breastfeed and she said that probably won’t happen and it’s more difficult than I think. I’d like a cheerleader supporting me, not someone sowing seeds of doubt before I’ve already started.

She keeps nagging me about shopping trips to go and get baby stuff- where she wants a day out, but I am so busy working full time and trying to fit in appointments and other bits I don’t have the time for this. I ordered all my nursery furniture online and she sulked.

I understand she is excited, but I dread every call, with a new way she can be “involved” that just requires more work from me, and when I say I can’t do something I am told I am ungrateful- when in reality I am just trying to keep the plates spinning

Best thing to do as a mother or MIL is to just stay out of it. Offer no advice Stay away unless invited, wait for your children to call you. Babysit when asked within reason, ignore DGCs bad behaviour,rudeness and lack of manners. Just agree with DC and know that one day it will be their turn. Get on with your life and enjoy, constant unrelenting evenings and weekends of grandparenting children who are picky eaters, bad sleepers and hyperactive takes the bloom off. I babysit clean and help but most of them time would rather be anywhere else doing my stuff without my DC having an opinion.

Sorry your mother is such a pain!

I had a similar experience with things being framed as help and it really grated on me. She would always ask when she could next "come over and help" when in reality she just wanted to come and visit, and I was hugely resentful of it being framed as doing me a favour when I didn't want her there (we don't actually get on that well and she talked incessantly when I just wanted some peace and quiet). She was also weirdly pushy about wanting to clean my house (I know some people would love this offer!) but I just found this intrusive as I know she is a snooper.

This may not be true for everyone, but I found it quite hard to advocate for myself after I had the baby, and also had far too much time to dwell on things (hours spent home alone with baby and during night feeds). My mother's attitude really got under my skin and was something I wasted a lot of time and energy worrying about.

So I would really encourage you to think ahead now and plan (with your partners support) how you might manage unwanted "help". In hindsight, I wish I had set some clear boundaries around length of visits (my mum would turn up for an entire day which I hated) and, if you are struggling to voice things/be heard, get your partner to step in and be firm about boundaries.

I know some people say that having the newborn bubble or visitor limits can be isolating and detrimental - but at the end of the day, stating a boundary in advance makes things clear to everyone, its far easier to relax a boundary if that feels right for you to do so than it is to try and put a boundary in place after a pattern of behaviour has already been set.

Good luck!

Can your partner not do the cats, presumably he's not staying over night at hospital, or can a neighbour do it for u x

But what if you had a toddler at home and you were having your second (or third)? For my first, I was in hospital for a week and my DH only went home once to shower, the rest of the time he slept in a chair and was there the whole time. With my second we were only in 48hrs so it was fine but I was in for a week again with my third (my babies seem to come at 37w and very jaundiced) and my DH had to stay at home to look after the older two as we didn't have much childcare and certainly not overnight childcare for a 4 and 2 yr old. DC3 was even in NICU for 24hours. Honestly, very little could happen that would mean he can't pop back home to feed cats once a day. If by some small chance there was a huge emergency and he genuinely couldn't leave the hospital, surely your DM would step in and feed your cats? If not then that's a bigger issue.

But yeah overall i think you need to much more carefully manage the information you give her. Don't tell her when you're ordering stuff or when it's being delivered or anything about your birth plan etc. Change the subject or say something vague like 'oh thanks but I've sorted that'. No discussions around breastfeeding or what food you're going to eat or who is doing your cleaning. She's proven that she doesn't want to be genuinely helpful so just keep her at arms length. It's sad but unfortunately necessary with some parents.

Its NOT ABOUT THE CATS.

Also as an aside, now might be a good time to make more neighbourly connections. Once you have a family there are more times that you're likely to need to lean on someone local for something small and it can really help. For example we have got to know the family who live opposite quite well and we have helped each other out numerous times with all manner of things (taking in parcels, late night emergency calpol supplies, we loaned them a car seat when they had a hire car, they let us put a load of stuff in their freezer for a day when ours broke etc etc). Having someone nearby who would feed your cat in an emergency is all part of having a 'village' that people often go on about!

No but they illustrate a point - DM can't be relied upon even in an emergency

Going to go out on a limb and guess this is just the tip of a very large iceberg when it comes to your mother ignoring your boundaries, ignoring you as a person and just generally riding roughshod over your individuality, all going back many many years into childhood.

My MIL does this. She keeps "tidying" my kitchen. Well she calls it tidying but she is just putting everything in the wrong place and then she tells everyone she knows that she has tidied so they all think shes a saint and then I have to put everything back. Then she sighs at me and puts it back her way.

My biggest regret from when I had my baby was spending so much time worrying about my parent's needs. I felt huge amounts of pressure for them to come and visit in the hospital (despite a very lengthy and complex delivery) and on reflection, I definitely ended up prioritising their needs over mine and my baby's. When I should have been enjoying the newborn bubble, I was worrying that they were cross that they hadn't seen my son on the day he was born and was busy replying to all of their messages.

Post-partum can be a very vulnerable time and there's so much going on, it can be hard to think rationally and advocate for yourself. I would really recommend taking some time with your partner now to think about some clear boundaries you can put in place to ensure that you're looking after yourself and your baby first and foremost. For my next baby, I'm going to be very clear that we won't be providing many updates from the hospital (felt like a full-time job!), won't be having visitors until we're home, and even then, we'll only have people over for an hour or two at a time.

I’ve come across people like this!

They say they want to be helpful but not in the actual way that is most helpful - they only want to help in the way they see as most “glamorous” - the visible role, the one they see as having glory attached to it.

So helping in the background by feeding cats, by making food for you in advance for your freezer, doing some ironing for you at her house, whatever, won’t be acceptable. Bring your birth partner - oh yes please, that can be put on SM or told to all her friends as evidence of how indispensable she is/ how close you are. Being at your house cooking - and probably making lots of noise/ fuss about it- that might be ok as long as her role is really centred, but not dropping off ready made stuff.

She won’t want you bfing as feeding the baby looks like the glory role to her - she have that in mind as what she’ll be doing when she comes over, sitting bottle feeding whilst you do the house work, host her and bring her cups of tea. Bringing you cups of tea or food and drink whilst you bf, or doing the housework for you whilst you rest/ bond with baby? Not attractive.

Tbh all I can think is who books a cat sitter for a month before giving birth?! Not something we would even have thought of, and I was in for a few days after I had my first. DH just came and went throughout the day.

Anyway mum sounds absolutely exhausting. I think going forward OP you are absolutely going to need some serious boundaries in place because I feel once baby arrives she is going to be 10 times worse.

Same and agree.

I would have loved such a mum. I have one very much like OP’s and moved 4,000 miles away not to have to deal with such behaviour.

My younger sister and her were thick as thieves until my sister became pregnant and had her in the delivery room and postpartum. Sister realising why I didn’t ask, have or want her there immediately after giving birth to the first two and it was only due to the 3rd being late and it being the usual time my parents visit that they were there right after baby was born but not in the hospital. Luckily, our two oldest kept them busy.

Just for reassurance, breastfeeding can be hard but it can be easy. If you want to give it a go then crack on. Ignore your mum. You can easily order bottles and formula if you need it.

I think it might have been helpful to terminate the conversation at that point. Why would you want to put up with that?

My biggest regret from when I had my baby was spending so much time worrying about my parent's needs.

Our wider family who were distance prior - all got very demanding and I regret letting them have so much headspace as took years to put in bundaries and learn how to manage them. Soon as I lost patience and got less intertested in pleasing and keeping peace they seem to settle down. I think I too accomodating for too long though prior and one stressed and upset was me.

Also my MIL kept on I wouldn't be able to bf - and Dmum wasn't exactly helpful either 0 bf all or them - only easy one was last one but got passed any problems with some support from MW.

Years ago I got to my daughter's house while she was still at work, running late. I spent an hour cleaning her small kitchen while I waited, it was a pigsty. Later that evening some or other argument arose, I can't remember why, or what it was. 'Bloody hell, I've just spent an hour cleaning your kitchen!' I said. Quick as a wink she responded 'But i didnt ask you to do that!' Just WOW. I was utterly taken aback. But she was absolutely right, and it was a massive lesson for me, right there.
So, mothers and mothers-in-law out there: do favors, and you'll get thanks. But don't expect effusive thanks for doing something just because you felt like it.

Beside the point but can't your partner just pop home and feed the cat? He won't be needed at the hospital 24/7. Or spend £30 on an auto feeder and extra litter tray out as at most would only be a couple of meals they'll miss.

@Dinosnorous you should make the staff at the hospital aware that you do NOT want her there, as she may well turn up uninvited. They should keep her out.

Also, as far as breastfeeding, have you checked out the La Leche League website? There may be a support group near you.

Was her mother at your birth?

Ugh, this is my mum to a tee - despite us being very clear that my DH would contact family and let them know once I’d given birth, she kept finding spurious reasons to call me every day near my due date. She didn’t really care about it - just wanted to be one if the first to know. On the day of the birth, I refused to pick up so she called ELEVEN times in a row. I ended up taking off my Apple watch and throwing it across the room in a rage 😂.

OP, I’m in my forties - I’ve become much better at handling her in the last couple of years, and since giving birth last October, I’ve kept very clear boundaries, ignored her attempts to overstep and like a pp said, kept her at arms length. It’s done wonders for our sanity and bonding as a family.

If she can’t find it in herself to give you the help you say you need, she’s a terrible grandmother and making it all about her. You don’t need that help.

Yuck, sounds like my mother.
Emotionally immature, controlling, manipulative, needs everything to be about her…
As previous posters have said, it wasn’t until I reached my forties that I saw her for how she truly is and learned to deal with her properly (installing boundaries!)
This completely threw her and she could no longer even pretend to be doing anything for anyone but herself.
Cue awful texts telling me how selfish I am (for not letting her waste her money on things we don’t need, for not coming to see her enough - whilst my husband was in hospital! You get the idea).
Anyway she became so nasty after we implemented the boundaries that we had to go low contact, and eventually no contact.
My mother is permanently in the victim role anyway so I guess she brought it on herself.
I tell you this not because your Mum is necessarily as bad as mine (emotionally abusive my whole life) but just to make you aware that absolutely nothing will change until you are firm in your boundaries.
If she loses the plot then she’s exposing her true motivations and it will make it easier to deal with her as the guilt won’t be so strong!
Hopefully she isn’t as bad as mine and will be able to self reflect on how selfish she’s being and see sense!

This is it exactly. It’s the roles that she can tell people about. Feeding the cats, meh- who cares (i don’t really, it’s sorted); but being able to say she is so indispensable and we are so close she was at the birth of her grandchild- well that is so much more important than any of her friends were in the births of their grandchildren.

The idea of me breastfeeding does again take away her opportunity to do what she sees as important and central.

You have had good advice re dealing with DM. Stand firm on her not being at the hospital.

As an aside, I found breastfeeding to be an absolute piece of cake. So easy. Some women do experience difficulties, but she has no reason to think you will. She doesn’t want you to EBF because she already has visions of herself bottle feeding…

Does your hospital allow partners to spend the night? I’ve given birth in two different hospitals and in both there was a set time (I think 10pm) when partners and visitors had to leave. One of my births was emergency section. I guess if you have a private room there might be different rules.

I understand though with your first you do all the preparation you can.

Sorry about your mum. It does sound annoying especially as she can’t see that she causes stress.

Edit: To add that I also found breastfeeding much easier than bottle feeding so you never know. Reading some material gives the impression that it’s some feat to do it but I think it’s just luck and how things work out for you.