I wish my mother would stop framing things she wants to do as help that I should then be grateful for

[Dinosnorous]

This isn’t another grandmothers should step up or not thread. God knows we’ve had enough of those recently.

I am getting frustrated though with my mother not doing anything practical to help me- fine that is her right, but then picking nice things to do (again fine) but framing them as help that I should be grateful for. Even though I don’t want these things and they don’t make my life easier.

So can you feed my cats when I go into hospital to have the baby or shall I get a sitter (even though I don’t know the dates so had to block book a month of care). She’s not looking after the cats- fine I book the sitter problem solved.

If I’m not looking after your cats I can be your birthing partner. Errrr no, please don’t come to the hospital. She has form for thinking she knows best and will ignore my wishes if she thinks her way is better and she causes my anxiety to spike. I’m then accused of being ungrateful because I won’t let her be there.

She’s said she’ll come and stay after the baby is born and help with feeds and things. I’ve said I plan to breastfeed and she said that probably won’t happen and it’s more difficult than I think. I’d like a cheerleader supporting me, not someone sowing seeds of doubt before I’ve already started.

She keeps nagging me about shopping trips to go and get baby stuff- where she wants a day out, but I am so busy working full time and trying to fit in appointments and other bits I don’t have the time for this. I ordered all my nursery furniture online and she sulked.

I understand she is excited, but I dread every call, with a new way she can be “involved” that just requires more work from me, and when I say I can’t do something I am told I am ungrateful- when in reality I am just trying to keep the plates spinning

This is a level of worry and preparedness that I can't really imagine.

Sorry your mum is so unhelpful-

My MIL came over the day after I gave birth . Her reason was that she decided to plant some flowers in the garden for us . I looked out the window to see her digging away at the borders planting marigolds. So helpful.

Has this changed recently then? I was at the births of of my GC and they are 1 and 8

I wouldn't have wanted my mum at mine and my Dds are adults and if they had babies I would not want to be in a delivery room either.

Why wont she feed the cat ? And why does not feeding the cat mean she can be your birth partner?
You need firmer boundaries.
No, i don't want you to be my birth partner.
I am planning to breast feed ,if you wish to support me in thats great, if not please don't come to stay after the birth.
I don't have time for shopping trips right now.
Just say NO.
What are you fearful of if you say No to her?

My hospital will allow two…not that I’d tell her this!!

My mum was at my eldests birth and I was at 2 of my GC births. ( At DDs request)

What will you do if a daughter of yours wanted you there?

TBH, you will need to minimise contact unfortunately. And be prepared for her still not to "get" it, and still keep making insane suggestions. She will be feeding off the input of friends asking her etc.

The weirdest thing my MIL did post birth was keep telling us that her friends were "desperate to meet him" - people we'd never met. So to make it easier for us to let her friends meet the baby, she would host us at her house and hour away.

We were doing skin to skin, chilling out at home watching telly and enjoying bonding. We had no desire whatsoever to traipse an hour away to satisfy the whims of people we'd never met.

Thing was - some of the people would have just have been polite. But then again, some people sent us gifts - an ex co-worker of hers sent (horrible) clothes worth £40!

I call it granny fever. I think it's sort of related to nesting, except without any useful outlet it turns crazy, even if well-intentioned.

(My own mum spent 35 years telling me pregnancy wasn't an illness and she was climbing glaciers when pregnant. Then nine months treating me like a delicate porcelain figurine and screaming in terror at my dad when we were innocently walking on a beach about THE DANGER.)

My MIL has calmed a lot, but be prepared that "helpful" decisions will continue to baffle you. MIL bought the first pram - she wanted to. Then a second, lighter pram - she wanted to. Now, when my son is on the cusp of not using a pram at all she's bought a third, even lighter pram for her use. I think it's because BIL is now expecting, but it's too early for her to buy for that so she's directing her energies at us.

Definitely don't sit her down and spell out boundaries. She will go berserk, cry, create a huge drama with any wider family. In no way will this lead to a good peaceful outcome for you.

The suggestions of finding a day or two for fun baby shopping and tea are good if you have the time, energy and patience. She wants to be the center of attention.

Other than that severely cut down on your interactions with her. Don't give details, be as vague as possible.

Maybe give her a job to do if she won't drive you crazy with it.

You may need to explain boundaries to her at some point but before birth is not that time!

can I just say, please don’t book a month of pet sitting! You’re extremely unlikely to be in hospital longer than a few days, and outside the labour, your partner can pop home to feed the cats. It’s really unnecessary and a worry that you don’t need!
Sorry your mums being such a pain. She sounds really selfish. I would be tempted to not tell her when you go into hospital as she sounds the type who would just turn up! The midwife wouldn’t let her in without your permission anyway, but again, it’s stress you don’t need at the time. Good luck!

Valid point. If you go into Labour then feed cats as you leave,( DH can do this)

In most cases you'd be home within 24 hours if you stay longer than that then your DH will need to go back to the house anyway and he can feed cats again.

You just need to tell her straight, OP.

"No, whether you feed the cats or not, it's just going to be me and DH at the hospital. The best way you could help us would be to feed them, I'd be able to relax then. But it's up to you, no pressure, I can get the sitter if you don't want to."

"You'd like to help us with meals? Great! It would be brilliant if you could make a few things we can put in the freezer and heat up quickly when we're busy with the baby."

When she talks about coming over 'to cook': "We're going to make it just the three of us at home to begin with, so we can't say at the moment when it will be the best time for you to come. Don't worry, though, we'll let you know when you can visit."

And then offer ways she CAN help that you'd be happy with. If she says no to them say: "Oh, that's a shame, as it would have been really helpful for us. Never mind, though, I don't want you to feel under pressure so we'll sort it ourselves."

If she pushes about her own thing: "No, thanks anyway, but we don't need/want that. I did say how you could help, by doing X. If you change your mind, that would be great. No pressure, though."

You need to get out of the habit of worrying about her being upset. She's not worried about upsetting you! And this is your time with your baby. I'm not saying freeze her out, of course she's excited to meet her grandchild, just make sure the opportunities she's given by you to do that also work for you.

For both of my children including one with some complications I was in for less than 24 hours. We live an hour from hospital and DH drove home to sort the dogs out and came back later. You could also consider an automatic feeder for reassurance.

My mum is a bit like that, offers help but it’s not helpful it’s jus something she wants to do and then says “don’t forget I did x thing for you” or “now you owe me x thing which is far more involved”. I let her know once the baby was here and said, I am being discharged soon, you can come at x time or see us at home. You need to be a bit firmer “Its not frozen rubbish, its food I have cooked and I like. Its practical to make it in advance”.

This.
I've never heard of anyone booking a catsitter to cover giving birth.
Partner will be able to pop back at least once a day and that's fine for a short period of time for any cat unless particularly ill.
Even if you end up being in hospital longer, your partner won't be.

You need to tell your midwife and have it marked on your notes that your mother is not allowed in. Honestly, for people who think this is over the top, they don't know a woman like your mother.

The fact that she won't mind your cats gives you one advantage - she won't know when you are in labour.
Start practicing not being responsive to messages now (I suspect you usually feel pressured to answer pretty quickly!) so that she doesn't get suspicious.
Tell her after your baby has arrived safely and you and your partner feel ready for visitors.

If there is a next time, give her the wrong due date. I'm serious.

And that’s when you respond by saying that she was and is never going to be at the birth regardless of what she’s doing at the time.

The only way to deal with this is to be very forthright and direct OP. It is not up for discussion. It’s not a negotiation. She is not a committee member on the board of your life.

Oh of course i would go if they asked me i just wouldn't expect it or suggest it, i wasn't a criticism of anyone who's mum was there.

Do we share the same mother? My mum has a habit of only doing the things she thinks will benefit her, not what will actually be helpful to anyone. She was convinced I wanted her at the birth of my first child. I had never so much as hinted at that idea, the very thought of having her in the delivery room sent my blood pressure through the roof! I knew she would try to over-ride my decisions, try to sideline DH and generally bring an air of panic and anxiety. On top of that, she lives at least 3 hours away but she seemed to think I'd be able to control my labour to fit in with her travel time etc.

She also wanted to stay immediately after the birth, not to help & support but to "watch how I cope" (her words). Obviously that wasn't happening, so the day after I'd given birth I had a barrage of text messages from her basically trying to ensure that she got to our house before my in-laws so that she got to meet the baby first. It was exhausting!

I'm now 46 and since Covid I've slowly been reducing contact as I find it all so stressful, exhausting and draining. I don't have any suggestions for you but do understand what it's like.

@Notabarbie Thank you for what you posted about emotionally immature parents not being able to see past their own needs and desires. I read that sentence and it was like a light bulb moment! That's exactly my parents, mostly my mum but a bit of my dad too. It's been really helpful to read that today.

Yes, this.

It's perfectly valid for you to say she's not going to be there, most grandparents aren't! It's not a given that she should be expecting, and you're not doing her out of any entitlement if you don't want her there.

She's overstepping. She's not entitled to be there. Keep that in mind at all times when dealing with her and it'll be easier to say no to her.

My advice don't tell her you have gone into labour and just announce the birth.

MIl could be a bit like this - she calmed down with time and can be re-directed to actual helpful things sometimes.

Another thing to watch is she sometimes tried to do things with young kids without prior agreement - so they'd be gone so had to watch for that constantly - you'd come down and with a word to no-one bf baby just gone with her. You do have to be on your toes be firm and head anything inconvenient off.

She just doesn't think about the persons experince/view - so 4 hours for a driver for hour babysitting seem fine to her as she be in car 2 hours and wouldn't mind - never mind the driver doing 4 hours.

Regarding cats - an automatic feeder and DH poping back if needed - and possible asking someone we knew and leaving key just in case would be what I'd have thought of- rather than an entire month of cat sitter expense - but suppose if you have the money and it gives you peace of mind.

I feel the same way, I'd love to have the type of relationship that I see other mother/daughters have. My mum's behaviour has also damaged her relationship with her only Grandchildren too (but she absolutely won't see that!).

At least I know exactly how not to behave as my children grow, and if they decide to have children.

Oh not that old chestnut

had someone ask me to feed there cat while on holiday

ok fine yes I’ll do it

them yes it will be nice for you
will give you something to do…

when nice got small children
you are not doing me a favour
ffs what is wrong with people

How infuriating. I can only advise screaming into a pillow 🤦🏽‍♀️ I’m sorry OP

I know I’m extremely unlikely to need it, but if something happens and we do then I am screwed. I’d rather have it taken care of so it’s a worry crossed off rather than have it festering in the background.

My cousins bay came 4 weeks early by emergency c-section, I think her husband went home twice in 2 weeks but slept in a chair in the room with her. I am really frightened of being left should something similar happen.

I know it’s unlikely, but I just want to remove every little worry.

It is annoying, because as you say, it’s likely to be 24 hours but I am now having to contingency plan.

I did have a word with my MW team when MIL was announcing she'd be at the birth and they reassured me she wouldn't be allowed in if I didn't want it.

As it was DH kept his word and said nothing till after a for first very quick birth but then I was a day before due date and he'd already seen me get frustrated by hadn't I had it yet phone calls from his and my family.

My sister firsts pg it was announced to his entire family - though she still needed a lift from may parents to hopsital - so she had a huge number of relatives waiting in hospital waiting room her then DP was updating every five minute many who never bothered with baby again. It added to the stress and it was a long labour.