I wish my mother would stop framing things she wants to do as help that I should then be grateful for

[Dinosnorous]

This isn’t another grandmothers should step up or not thread. God knows we’ve had enough of those recently.

I am getting frustrated though with my mother not doing anything practical to help me- fine that is her right, but then picking nice things to do (again fine) but framing them as help that I should be grateful for. Even though I don’t want these things and they don’t make my life easier.

So can you feed my cats when I go into hospital to have the baby or shall I get a sitter (even though I don’t know the dates so had to block book a month of care). She’s not looking after the cats- fine I book the sitter problem solved.

If I’m not looking after your cats I can be your birthing partner. Errrr no, please don’t come to the hospital. She has form for thinking she knows best and will ignore my wishes if she thinks her way is better and she causes my anxiety to spike. I’m then accused of being ungrateful because I won’t let her be there.

She’s said she’ll come and stay after the baby is born and help with feeds and things. I’ve said I plan to breastfeed and she said that probably won’t happen and it’s more difficult than I think. I’d like a cheerleader supporting me, not someone sowing seeds of doubt before I’ve already started.

She keeps nagging me about shopping trips to go and get baby stuff- where she wants a day out, but I am so busy working full time and trying to fit in appointments and other bits I don’t have the time for this. I ordered all my nursery furniture online and she sulked.

I understand she is excited, but I dread every call, with a new way she can be “involved” that just requires more work from me, and when I say I can’t do something I am told I am ungrateful- when in reality I am just trying to keep the plates spinning

I disagree. I think OP should sit her down now and tell her clearly and firmly that she doesn’t want her at the birth and won’t allow it, that she will be breastfeeding and needs support, not discouragement, that after the birth DM is not to just drop round without asking first (and respecting the answer), and that you are very unhappy about the way she treats DP.

She may make a Big Fuss, but better now than when OP is in labour or exhausted from looking after a newborn.

She wants to feel included, so the shopping day is a good idea if OP can manage it, but it all has to be on OP's terms.

She sounds shattering.. and manipulative. I wouldn't want her at the hospital either, this is you and your partners time.

Have you ever tried to talk to her, about the way she twists/takes over things?

As for helping, as her to go shopping on her own, give her a rough list of things needed, baby grows, blanket etc. Even if you've already got them it will make her feel useful. Use being pregnant as an excuse not to go, tell her you're shattered or something like that. As for the rest of it just keep her at arms length as much as possible if she just blank refuses to take a hint. She knows as a mother than actually, someone in the background who is reliable, feeding cats, cooking for the freezer, doing a few chores is worth it's weight in gold, much more than actually being in the hospital or insisting you do everything their way.

Good luck with everything and hope you get to enjoy your little one in peace when he/she arrives.

Give her a task that makes her feel involved. What would actually help you???
Think of a way she can genuinely help you and offer her that. If you don’t offer up any suggestions, she is likely to continue.

I was like you.. didn’t need any help. Well I would say the first 18m of my baby’s life were the worst of my life so far. Don’t shut the door on help. I told my mum I didn’t want / need her help, so she went on a long 5* holiday. I deeply regret that now years later!!!

I observe from afar a controlling mother who has arranged the daughter’s engagement and muscled in at the birth of her child. The daughter’s partner is being ridden roughshod over. Zero respect for him. I cringe and wonder why she can’t be told where to get off. That’d lead to a major meltdown I expect so I’m assuming the “peace” needs to be kept. Dreadful woman.

OP, be really careful about how much you tell her in case she actually turns up at the hospital before you're ready.

Yeah it’s a desperate desire to be the matriarch again with women who feel they’ve become irrelevant. They haven’t - the sane ones have carved out a new life for themselves once their DC have flown the nest. But the less balanced or fulfilled women remember being the crucial and central mother figure in the family and want a piece of that action again. They want their time again, which is frankly ridiculous because it’s another woman’s turn now (their daughter or daughter in law’s time). Hopefully this temporary insanity will be short lived when OP’s mother remembers the grind of caring for an infant.

Um, the whole point of batch cooking is NOT to eat frozen rubbish. Frozen home cooking! I don’t think she understands what batch cooking means.

If you don't want her around you and the new baby just tell her so straight out. Its clear that she wants to offer help that bring her into contact with you, or you and the baby. Most support has a reciprocal element so just offering her things to do that help you whilst keeping her at arms length is unlikely to work and is slightly unreasonable.

@Dinosnorous Does she have a key to your house?

So, if you're feeding your newborn, she could just unlock the door and wander in with some of her friends so they can be introduced to her grandchild - don't laugh, but it happened to my cousin. After that she had a chain on the door and her mum shouted through the gap to be let in, hence waking a sleeping baby...🤦🏻‍♀️
She moved away from her mum before they had their 2nd, and again (a bit further) before no 3.

Best of luck. At least the cats are sorted.
Your Mum, not so much😨

I agree and my mum used to be a midwife !!

I'm a catsitter and a few of my regular customers have been pregnant. I'm happy to pencil in dates for births - I don't expect to be paid for all of it. If the first catsitter isn't sensible about it, try another.

Get a timed feeder, the rotating ones allow 4-5 wet food meals a day. The dry food bins can last for 1-2 weeks. You may not go home but your DP can.

Lol my son in law phoned me after being at the hospital for half an hour staying DD asking for me to be there. Typically in middle of the night. Luckily at that hour I could get there in 15 mins

But I don’t want to cut her out. And I’ve only asked for one thing which she has declined. She’s offering lots, but nothing is actually helpful, but when I don’t take her up on it I am accused of being ungrateful.

I have no issue with her coming round lots when baby is here for cuddles and visits. I do have issue with her undermining my efforts to prepare and then using that as a way to make me dependent on her and help. So, don’t batch cook, I’ll come round and cook for you; you need to accept breastfeeding isn’t easy and you’ll struggle; you’ll need others to be able to feed the baby.

Don't tell her when you are in labour etc just message her after, then you won't need to worry about her turning up.

I think you need to be direct and say we dont want x help, we want y. If you want to help its to feed the cats and you won't be at hospital anyways.

Re cat, does your hospital allow overnight visitors? Mine didn't / doesn't.

I think this is the horror story I needed to get the locks changed.

It doesn’t allow overnight visitors, but does allow partners overnight in circumstances where mother needs care and is done in a private room. I know it’s unusual, but feel calmer when I have planned for every scenario, and as I saw this with a close family member it is something I feel I need to make sure is dealt with.

Honestly. She was mortified when her mum and 3 "friends" that my cousin didn't know/had never met in her life paraded through the living room while she had her top off, going "Ooh, a baby!" making the grabby hands thing!
I (sensibly) only turned up when summoned by her, mostly to do laundry/cooking provide a shoulder to cry on (hormones) and once to mow the lawn.😂

Have you tried asking her why you need to be grateful? Just keep questioning her stance OP. Why should you be grateful? For what?

Please OP whatever you do, do not let her know you are in labour as it sounds as if she will turn up at the hospital.

I didn't have my mom come and stay with me as due to an emergency she stayed with us some months beforehand and this made me realise she would not let me rest as god bless her she would be trying to sort things out for me with the best intentions but that would have involved me having to help her do it/get started.

We never let anyone know until our DC were safely delivered.

DD didn't have me at the delivery of DGC which I was a bit sad about but she had her sister and upon reflection that was the best thing ever as her sister is so on the ball and was the best support DD and SIL could have wished for

But anything that would help OP, her mum wouldn't want to do it. She has made that clear by refusing to feed OP's cats while she is having the baby. She wants a starring role in the birth of her grandchild that she can brag about on social media.

She is discouraging OP from breast feeding so she doesn't even have the baby's best interests at heart. OP has said that her mum has 'main character' syndrome so any 'help' she would offer would be performative rather than actually useful.

The rest sounds like hard work and stick to your guns but the not having pram in house is a well known thing, basically don’t have baby things in house to tempt fate until you are safely home with a healthy baby. May be northern old wives take not sure but offering to keep pram would be seen as a helpful.

Yeah used to be common place I kept DGC prams at mine until they were born also

You need to have a serious conversation with her and say mum I love you but you need to back off with things that I do not need or want and listen to me. Tell her that her actions are stressing you out and she needs to take a step back.

So you need to say very clearly, Mum, I am not having you at the birth. It’s not happening. This is for DH and me - not you.

Don’t tell her you’ve gone into labour and tell the staff you don’t want her there. Hospitals must be used to dealing with grandparents trying to force their way in.

OP, I feel so sorry for you with your DM. I wouldn’t have wanted my own DM with me when I had my babies, and would not expect to be with my own DDs when they have babies. My DSis turned up at the hospital when her DD had her first baby, and my other sister and I thought she was MASSIVELY overstepping. The role of DM and DMIL is to be helpful - which means following what the baby’s mother tells you she would like you to do. My MIL used to bemoan the fact that she couldn’t feed my babies because they were all breastfed - I didn’t say to her, well you wouldn’t have been able to if they weren’t, but that was how it was. Stand your ground, OP, and on no account let your DM know when you go to hospital, otherwise she’ll just turn up. Good luck!