I wish my mother would stop framing things she wants to do as help that I should then be grateful for

[Dinosnorous]

This isn’t another grandmothers should step up or not thread. God knows we’ve had enough of those recently.

I am getting frustrated though with my mother not doing anything practical to help me- fine that is her right, but then picking nice things to do (again fine) but framing them as help that I should be grateful for. Even though I don’t want these things and they don’t make my life easier.

So can you feed my cats when I go into hospital to have the baby or shall I get a sitter (even though I don’t know the dates so had to block book a month of care). She’s not looking after the cats- fine I book the sitter problem solved.

If I’m not looking after your cats I can be your birthing partner. Errrr no, please don’t come to the hospital. She has form for thinking she knows best and will ignore my wishes if she thinks her way is better and she causes my anxiety to spike. I’m then accused of being ungrateful because I won’t let her be there.

She’s said she’ll come and stay after the baby is born and help with feeds and things. I’ve said I plan to breastfeed and she said that probably won’t happen and it’s more difficult than I think. I’d like a cheerleader supporting me, not someone sowing seeds of doubt before I’ve already started.

She keeps nagging me about shopping trips to go and get baby stuff- where she wants a day out, but I am so busy working full time and trying to fit in appointments and other bits I don’t have the time for this. I ordered all my nursery furniture online and she sulked.

I understand she is excited, but I dread every call, with a new way she can be “involved” that just requires more work from me, and when I say I can’t do something I am told I am ungrateful- when in reality I am just trying to keep the plates spinning

It’s superstitious nonsense and I made that clear - politely - to MIL when she begged me not to put the pram together before the birth. After years of infertility I wasn’t putting up with suggestions like that when I was trying to enjoy the first part of mat leave by getting everything ready.

Don't tell her when you go into labour and make sure you let the doctors and nurses know only your partner can come in no one else no matter who they are and what they say.

I don't even think superstition was the reason in MIL's case - she kept delivering bits of the pram to us when convenient, I think hoping to catch me out being in labour.

As it was, it took me longer to assemble the pram than it did giving birth, so the ludicrous idea that she'd drive me to the hospital was well out of scope!

(I take the view that she wasn't controlling, she was being controlled by very strong emotions. And they made her bloody annoying, and LESS likely to get contact with me. She kept making daft suggestions then retracting them as if we were silly for having thought what she'd said in black and white. I think she's so focused on what she wants and thinking we're obstructing that that she forgets that we have needs too.)

Help is only help if it’s helpful - I said this a lot after my first daughter was born in a similar situation. Hold firm now so you’ve both had some practice once the baby is here. Good luck!

I don't think its unusual. I have no kids but am a massive contingency planner because it makes me feel happier and more in control.

You need to tell her firmly and explicitly that she is not allowed to be at the birth, I would go even further and say no visitors in the hospital (unless you are in for more than a few nights). Just keep repeating it any time she brings it up, have your partner get ready to refuse her access. Also but it on your birth plan that you don’t want her there and make the staff aware.

If she is going to continue to be pushy about the feeding thing, I would go even further to say I am intending on breastfeeding and I am invested in making that happen. I have prepared for this and know how to access support etc if I find it difficult. I only want people who are supportive of breastfeeding to be around me during the early weeks.

As for the baby shopping, give a her little list of stuff she can get. Boring stuff like sleeping bags, bigger sized clothes, changing mat etc. Makes her feel involved.

This - plus you can state very clearly on your birthing plan and admission forms that she is not to be allowed in. Unless you have a booked C section, I assume you don’t know when you will be having it anyway… so, at the risk of being cruel, I just wouldn’t tell her until after the baby is here and I’d be very very clear until then that she is not welcome to stay until invited. And if she arrives uninvited you will not invite her ever.

I’ve known friends with mothers like this and they opted not to tell her until a few days after birth. I couldn’t fathom it myself, but I hear more and more stories like this. TBF, though, I went no contact with mine in the run up to the wedding as she kicked off then and part of the reason I decided to go NC was to avoid all the drama around me and any children I might later have. Possibly too late to do that for you, though!

Yes it’s obviously superstitious and Op doesn’t have to go along with it but just explaining why a mum or mil may think it’s a helpful thing to offer even if it makes zero practical sense.

Tell her, there is nothing in your post that’s unkind or unreasonable. Be direct. You will not want her there when you come home..this is YOUR time to bond with your baby. “I don’t want alternatives Mum ..if you can’t do what I need.” “substituting your wishes isn’t helping me”

Explain she is causing you anxiety with her demands at a time that should be yours to plan. If she reacts then you’ve drawn a VERY necessary boundary and it’s her choice whether to behave well

💐💐💐💐💐💐

My mum offered to have the pram at hers as apparently its bad luck to have it at home before baby is born.

I am assuming boundaries have always been an issue in the relationship @Dinosnorous ?

Unless you are prepared for some serious sulking / guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail then your options seem limited. You stop telling her as much, you don't ask for any specific favours, you don't tell her when you go into labour and you change your locks or ask for her keys back. You take her "power" away.

It makes me so sad that there are such suffocating, overbearing, selfish mothers out there. Also makes me sad there are women who feel they have to tolerate this.

Unless you make a proper stand she is going to ruin your early time with your baby, do not let that happen.

With regards to the cat, how far away is the hospital? Barring an absolute dire situation I cannot see there being any way your DH will be away for long enough for the cat to go hungry, just put lots of dry food and water out for kitty and they'll be fine.

We had a 24h induction, baby in NICU and DP was still home within 48h to feed the cat (he didn't go home specifically to feed the cat and she'd have been fine as we left mountains of food and water in bowls in every room)

With regards to the pram, it's up to the parents surely? My sister had her pram at our folks house as she purchased it early and bought into the whole 'bad luck' superstition. Our pram was a limited edition only released a few weeks before my EDD so we had it delivered to our house the week before I was due.

i can’t believe she won’t just feed your f*ing cat whilst you’re giving birth

selfish cow

not appropriate for her to be at the hospital anyway. Why would you want her in the room?

help isnt help if it s on someone else’s terms

That petsitter is really having a laugh with making you block book 4 weeks! You've said you're only 10mins away from the hospital...honestly, your DH will need to pop back for things at times. I think this is possibly being over-prepared. You could leave a whole heap of food down for your cat as you leave for the hospital. And dry food too. Everything doesn't need to be perfect...try and relax a little bit.

But also, your DM sounds like an absolute PITA and v similar to mine. Showing off that she's looking after the cat isn't nearly as impressive as saying that you're at the birth. She's vying for a top spot that doesn't exist unless you have that kind of relationship. Madness. I hope everything goes really well for you.

Can your partner not do the cats, presumably he's not staying over night at hospital, or can a neighbour do it for u x

If all goes well then yes he could, I am worried about if things don’t go well. I know the chances are slim, but everything I have read and been told says labour is easier if you aren’t stressed or anxious. By having this sorted or taken care of it’s something I can then put at the back of my mind. So I don’t see the pet sitting as care for them, more peace of mind for me.

If I’m in and out in 24 hours, great. And the lack of mental energy having to go into making sure they are sorted at the last minute will probably help

We’re 50 mins on a good run to the hospital

Get an automatic cat feeder - we got ours from eBay. Can add wet or dry food in sections for up to 5 meals so if cat is fed x 2 per day you're covered for 2.5 days. It has freezer blocks to keep wet food safe to eat. Lots of water down and car just needs checking on every couple of days. You'll need a supply of clean clothes etc every few days so there will be trips home..tho you'll probably be turfed out within 24h!

And maybe assign your partner the role of keeping your mum at bay. Give him a list of reasons she can't visit yet and suggestions as to how she can be involved at arms length.

Good luck!