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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

714 replies

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aquadream · Today 19:10

I’ve calmed down today and he’s back here tonight. I think he’s learnt his lesson from me reading him the riot act. I’ve also pointed out a very fancy restaurant I expect to visit this weekend at his expense 😂

OP posts:
Reasonstobelieve · Today 19:16

Aquadream · Today 19:10

I’ve calmed down today and he’s back here tonight. I think he’s learnt his lesson from me reading him the riot act. I’ve also pointed out a very fancy restaurant I expect to visit this weekend at his expense 😂

A lesson well learned OP. He probably doesn't remember half if it 😂Enjoy your night out & have a wonderful wedding 🤗

LittleJustice · Today 19:17

Reasonstobelieve · Today 19:08

I know nothing about strip clubs or the rules involved. I would imagine at least from what I've heard, his face or lips would have been nowhere near the genital area. There is also the likelihood the act involved wasn't naked. As far as I'm aware there is no touching allowed either. I'm not saying I don't find it all distasteful. I am saying only the OP knows her partners history & how she is treated in general which she hasn't shared. If it's a one off at a stag do imo it's not a reason to end her relationship.

Show quote history

Well I would have thought this as well but if you look on x you can see exactly what happens and the man's face is completely in the woman's naked vagina.

Blurgh doesn't even begin to cover it 🤢

LittleJustice · Today 19:19

Just Google Sticky Vicky on X and there is a video of a couple of men doing exactly what this prince amongst men did. The woman on stage is completely naked and the man puts his face in her vagina.

Reasonstobelieve · Today 19:27

LittleJustice · Today 19:19

Just Google Sticky Vicky on X and there is a video of a couple of men doing exactly what this prince amongst men did. The woman on stage is completely naked and the man puts his face in her vagina.

I think I'll give that a miss thank you. Nobody knows exactly what happened in this scenario & there is nothing to be gained by assumptions or by exaggerating it. It was a stag do. The man was intoxicated. If he is generally a good guy who treats her well I think on this occasion OP is justified in forgiving him & getting on with life.

Andepeda · Today 19:29

You sound like a well suited transactional couple OP. Confused

Calliopespa · Today 19:30

Aquadream · Today 19:10

I’ve calmed down today and he’s back here tonight. I think he’s learnt his lesson from me reading him the riot act. I’ve also pointed out a very fancy restaurant I expect to visit this weekend at his expense 😂

I'm pleased you feel a bit better OP.

Ultimately, only you can know how far outside his normal behaviour this was, and how able you are to disregard it as an aberration.

BUT please don't get into a pattern of letting him apologise by spending money on you or lavishing you with gifts or fancy restaurants. The most cuckolded woman I know would get a bit of expensive jewellery each time her DH had an affair: she is the most bejewelled woman I have ever seen! It was quite a simple formula in his eyes.

B1anche · Today 19:32

Aquadream · Today 19:10

I’ve calmed down today and he’s back here tonight. I think he’s learnt his lesson from me reading him the riot act. I’ve also pointed out a very fancy restaurant I expect to visit this weekend at his expense 😂

He will be delighted to know that his behaviour will be forgiven for the price of a fancy meal. I wonder how far he will push it next time?

Enrichetta · Today 19:33

So, him forking out for “a very fancy restaurant I expect to visit this weekend at his expense” cancels out his behaviour at the stag do?!!!

You do you…. 🤮

Dameputtingonabraveface · Today 19:36

OP this is horrible and puts you in an awful position. I totally understand that you are worried about the financial (and emotional impact/ shame) in canceling your wedding. However, I would urge you to put this to one side and focus on the bigger picture. However difficult/expensive it is to have to postpone or cancel a wedding- marrying someone if you are not totally certain it is the right thing to do with a lack of trust will be far worse in the longer term.

I have lots of male friends and none of them would engage in or put up with this kind of scenario. The 'forced into it' and 'lads will be lads' and the classic 'I was pissed' is not a defence. He picked the friends he went with, unless drugged and unconscious- even pissed people maintain enough of their personality and moral base to walk (stagger) away because they would feel bloody uncomfortable.

His lack of insight into why you are upset and that he is now just making excuses is very worrying. You are planning a life together, maybe children. How would he feel if you had a daughter and many years down the line her partner treated her this way? Would he be okay with it? Honestly, ask him- it will reveal a lot. I think there are a lot of conversations to be had and if he remains defensive/dismissive then you really need to give yourself space and time to think whether this is really the right thing.

We are in 2026 now and personally I find this kind of thing abhorrent and it would really make me ask questions about a person and their attitude to women. At the end of the day it is your decision and only you know if you can move past this. I would urge (as someone who works a lot with couples where there is volatility, domestic abuse, misogyny) that you work through together this before any decision to marry. It is not just going to go away, he has shown you a side of him that is not okay. Think of it as a timely warning and do not just hope for the best. If you still want to be with him, that is your decision, but you need to resolve this before you marry.

LittleJustice · Today 19:37

Reasonstobelieve · Today 19:27

I think I'll give that a miss thank you. Nobody knows exactly what happened in this scenario & there is nothing to be gained by assumptions or by exaggerating it. It was a stag do. The man was intoxicated. If he is generally a good guy who treats her well I think on this occasion OP is justified in forgiving him & getting on with life.

Show quote history

Oh it's just the exact thing that she described him doing which was pulling a flag out of the woman's vagina with his mouth (on the second occasion that she updated us when she found out he had done other things on a different night) is the exact thing that is on x it's a well-known club in Benidorm apparently for stag dos. So we pretty much know that this is what he did.

LittleJustice · Today 19:38

B1anche · Today 19:32

He will be delighted to know that his behaviour will be forgiven for the price of a fancy meal. I wonder how far he will push it next time?

Show quote history

Yeah also as they are a couple this is coming out of joint income isn't it really so.....

Shoppingmakesmehappy · Today 19:39

Oh dear OP your setting up the rest of your married life like this he fks up then forks out and all is forgotten. I know I probably sound harsh but I have been there

my sister on the other hand married a man who on his stag do didn't go near a strip club and on other stag dos didn't go in either and this isn't just from the horses mouth this is from other people (two being our dad and brother) who can vouch for him. Our weddings were a year apart our marriages were worlds apart my BIL is a fantastic DH and a wonderful Father. My ex was selfish and a selfish father. This type of behaviour DOES say a lot about a persons values and morals

Calliopespa · Today 19:39

Dameputtingonabraveface · Today 19:36

OP this is horrible and puts you in an awful position. I totally understand that you are worried about the financial (and emotional impact/ shame) in canceling your wedding. However, I would urge you to put this to one side and focus on the bigger picture. However difficult/expensive it is to have to postpone or cancel a wedding- marrying someone if you are not totally certain it is the right thing to do with a lack of trust will be far worse in the longer term.

I have lots of male friends and none of them would engage in or put up with this kind of scenario. The 'forced into it' and 'lads will be lads' and the classic 'I was pissed' is not a defence. He picked the friends he went with, unless drugged and unconscious- even pissed people maintain enough of their personality and moral base to walk (stagger) away because they would feel bloody uncomfortable.

His lack of insight into why you are upset and that he is now just making excuses is very worrying. You are planning a life together, maybe children. How would he feel if you had a daughter and many years down the line her partner treated her this way? Would he be okay with it? Honestly, ask him- it will reveal a lot. I think there are a lot of conversations to be had and if he remains defensive/dismissive then you really need to give yourself space and time to think whether this is really the right thing.

We are in 2026 now and personally I find this kind of thing abhorrent and it would really make me ask questions about a person and their attitude to women. At the end of the day it is your decision and only you know if you can move past this. I would urge (as someone who works a lot with couples where there is volatility, domestic abuse, misogyny) that you work through together this before any decision to marry. It is not just going to go away, he has shown you a side of him that is not okay. Think of it as a timely warning and do not just hope for the best. If you still want to be with him, that is your decision, but you need to resolve this before you marry.

We are in 2026 now and personally I find this kind of thing abhorrent and it would really make me ask questions about a person and their attitude to women. At the end of the day it is your decision and only you know if you can move past this. I would urge (as someone who works a lot with couples where there is volatility, domestic abuse, misogyny) that you work through together this before any decision to marry. It is not just going to go away, he has shown you a side of him that is not okay. Think of it as a timely warning and do not just hope for the best. If you still want to be with him, that is your decision, but you need to resolve this before you marry.

This, OP. The fancy meal is really not an answer...

IWishIWasABaller · Today 19:40

Oh you silly girl all forgiven for a slap up meal . I really hope you aren't back here in a years time crying that he's passed a dose onto you . I wish you the best of luck

magiciansgirlonce · Today 19:41

Is he the " one" is he the love of your life? Because this makes a big difference..If you can imagine your self with someone else then get rid of him. I don't believe people who say they were drunk when doing this sort of thing. It will cloud the rest of your life every time you look at him .Who are these girls by the way who don't care about wrecking other womens lives!

Lampzade · Today 20:07

OP has made her choice . She will have to live with it

Calliopespa · Today 20:07

magiciansgirlonce · Today 19:41

Is he the " one" is he the love of your life? Because this makes a big difference..If you can imagine your self with someone else then get rid of him. I don't believe people who say they were drunk when doing this sort of thing. It will cloud the rest of your life every time you look at him .Who are these girls by the way who don't care about wrecking other womens lives!

Who are these girls by the way who don't care about wrecking other womens lives!

It's the girls but even more so it's the "mates" who engineer it all. Why do they want to undermine the relationship just before a wedding? Sometimes it is even the groom's brother who is in on it.

Calliopespa · Today 20:08

Lampzade · Today 20:07

OP has made her choice . She will have to live with it

She does NOT have to live with anything.

She can postpone/cancel the wedding if she decides.

magiciansgirlonce · Today 20:12

Calliopespa · Today 20:07

Who are these girls by the way who don't care about wrecking other womens lives!

It's the girls but even more so it's the "mates" who engineer it all. Why do they want to undermine the relationship just before a wedding? Sometimes it is even the groom's brother who is in on it.

Show quote history

Yes exactly what I think too. Mates? I don't think so!

magiciansgirlonce · Today 20:15

Calliopespa · Today 19:39

We are in 2026 now and personally I find this kind of thing abhorrent and it would really make me ask questions about a person and their attitude to women. At the end of the day it is your decision and only you know if you can move past this. I would urge (as someone who works a lot with couples where there is volatility, domestic abuse, misogyny) that you work through together this before any decision to marry. It is not just going to go away, he has shown you a side of him that is not okay. Think of it as a timely warning and do not just hope for the best. If you still want to be with him, that is your decision, but you need to resolve this before you marry.

This, OP. The fancy meal is really not an answer...

Show quote history

Better to live the rest of your life not thinking about it? Surely so ?

IneedAniffler · Today 20:17

I'd be getting sticky vicky flashbacks every time he used his napkin (if he does...)

whilst we spend our joint money, not his, on a "fancy" meal after he spent our joint money on a shut up and put up dinner

Tacos, anyone?

magiciansgirlonce · Today 20:22

Looks like OP has made her choice. !

Pallisers · Today 20:23

OP, apart from the dinner out I strongly suggest you tell him to get an STD test and have a look at the results. If someone is so drunk that they behave that out of character then it is unlikely that they still retain enough sobriety to make sure they don't have genital contact/sex/whatever else is suggested.

I don't think any woman - whether she is in the camp of "stags will be stags" or that of "wouldn't marry him after that" should be having sex with him without knowing he has a clean bill of health.

Winniepoobear · Today 20:25

Sorry ... I couldnt/wouldn't forgive him with an expensive meal out!!!!

An im sorry ... but I wouldn't marry him either ...

Not after having his face stuck her couch! How many other mens faces been there!

Just remember that next time ur kissing him ....

Fuck that! 🤮🤮🤮