To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

That is really grim OP, pulling a ribbon out of a woman with his mouth?! Horrid. The fact that he didn’t tell you himself or have the balls to say “no i‘m not doing that” is very telling. My husband had a stag thrown for him when we lived abroad with some of his newer friends. The invite list got a bit out of control and what was supposed to be a small stag of dinner, drinks, clubbing ended up with some outliers arranging to go to a strip club. My OP was livid when he walked in and saw where he was, he’d told his mates that he didn’t want to do all the old fashioned stag do traditions like strippers when they were arranging it, so he left with his closest friends and had a drink at a bar nearby until the men who stayed were done. When he got home he told me instantly what had happened and how pissed off he was. The husbands who had left the strip club all told their wives what happened, while the guys who’d stayed weirdly hadn’t 🤔, as we found out when during my hen do, one woman got very drunk and mentioned who had stayed at the strip club and who hadn’t, causing a lot of arguments and upset for the wives who had been kept in the dark. Anyway, drama aside, a good man who respects you will have the balls to stand up for himself if he really didn’t want to do any of that, and will be honest and upfront with you about what happened. The fact that he did all that and had a stripper sit on his face suggests he either can’t stand up for himself and say no to peer pressure, or that he wanted to do those things which is disrespectful - neither are great qualities in a husband, so think long and hard about whether this is someone you trust and really want to marry.

As usual a whole load of responses claiming they would pack his bag and end the relationship. In most cases this is nonsense. Let’s be proportionate for a moment. The pressure on him would have been immense - you probably know him well enough that this isn’t how he would have chosen to spend his time, and it isn’t something he would have enjoyed. It was designed to make him feel awful because it was his stag do. They are awful things stag dos. Most of the men I know neither don’t enjoy attending them and certainly don’t want to have one but it is expected. Don’t ruin a good thing because others lives on MN are miserable and they egg you on to ruin your life as well.

Unless they are all swimming in money….. what about the cost of these sleazy stag-dos? I expect most last 2-3 days and nights. When we got married (admittedly back in the dark ages…) we certainly didn’t have the cash to throw away on such shenanigans…

He pulled a ribbon out of her vagina with his teeth ?

or have I misunderstood what you meant

Whereas you are 'egging her on' to ruin her life by marrying someone who, by your metric, is a total wet lettuce who uncomplainingly went through a terrible, humiliating martyrdom at his stag do, because 'it's expected' and all men have to have them even though none of them ever enjoy them.

I mean, surely you don't actually believe that?

What dreadful consequences do you imagine would follow if a man said 'What about paintballing in the New Forest/renting some motorboats/going climbing in the Lakes/doing a motocross day/a murder mystery weekend/cheap skiiing in Andorra?' (All stag dos men I know have attended. The sky didn't fall.)

Just because it's easier for you to think this is normal than to think you chose a dud, there's still no reason to castigate other women for having higher standards.

I agree

Par for the course?! My hen do was watching a polo match then a night out drinking (no naked people!), my husband went snowboarding (again, no naked people).
I think one incident, maybe, I could, MAYBE, understand a bit if he was blindsided while wasted and found it all uncomfortable because he could’ve out his foot down and said no fucking more, this isn’t right, but he obviously wasn’t that uncomfortable with it, was he? He went back and did worse, if I’ve understood you correctly. He wouldn’t be for me, that’s for sure. I’m really sorry this is happening to you, what a horrible situation.

You are delusional if you think this is acceptable and those saying pack your bags is wrong.

Grown men can say no if they are uncomfortable. It shows strong morals.
People that hang around with mates who like strippers etc usually like this kind of thing themselves. He didnt go there thinking it was a polo match and a curry. He agreed to go knowing what would go on. He didn't get there and be shocked (even if he did he could still have said no) they aren't teenagers learning about boundaries and peer pressure they are grown men

What does the future look like OP? More of the same?

A sex act with another woman is cheating, I'd find that hard to get past.

Ah right. He was pressured to pull something out of a complete strangers vagina and let another woman writhe about on his face. And that's ok. And it's ok that she was never to find out about it. Is it fuck ok. It's appalling

Men don't need to go to strip clubs on a stag night. I know plenty of people who have gone on a night out clubbing. Both stag and hen parties.

BTW. My life isn't miserable. I'm just not prepared to say this is ok when it really is not OK

I know of someone who also went on one of these stag do's..... as a stag. I didnt get to hear of everything that happened but i did hear that he was on stage with a almost naked woman and was being pulled around naked on all 4's like a dog with a tie acting as a leash and then being ridden around naked by the almost naked woman and then he was whipped by her. I believe photos and videos exist but I have not seen them. The aim it appears is total humiliation of the stag. I dare say that there is a lot of peer pressure but i also think that what happened with your husband to be, is the type of things that happens on this type of stag.
The person who this happened to that I know has had a successful marriage and stayed faithful as far as I know to wife and has 2 kids now. So because this happened does not doom your forthcoming marriage. I dont think you were meant to see it. All is not lost.

The question is whether you want to marry a man who has friends who partake in this type of stag. He didnt have to have that type of stag. He could have laid down boundaries. He is most likely a laddy type of man with laddy friends who do have wild nights out and this type of stag. If he is young he may grow up or he may never grow up. I personally would avoid this type of man. But many do not.

Did you know he was going to be having this type of stag? Is he usualyl like this? Is it totally out of character for him?

Thanks for posting this, it saved me the effort. 👍

OP what kind of company does your “good man” keep? Unless he lost contact after the wedding you can expect this sort of behaviour every time there is a “celebration “.
I think you need to rush hi off to the SDT clinic asap and may be be tested yourself.
Think long and hard before you go ahead with the wedding.

I know plenty of people who have gone on a night out clubbing.

Me too, and the reason they much prefer clubs is because there are hundreds of women they might be able to get off with whereas in Strip Clubs there are about six women who are contractually obliged not to have sex with the customers or even touch them.

The odds are way better in clubs; men don't go to clubs because they enjoy dancing.

Beyond disgusting and so degrading for the all involved. I read a quote on here which made me cry: in another world, those who paid for others to engage in sex acts would be deemed mentally unwell and helped as others would recognise that they couldn’t possibly believe this to be right. It’s true. 😔

He's a liar who hoped these videos would never see the light of day. Fuck the peer pressure. No one made him go to a strip club. Far less do anything else.

I know someone who fucked a complete stranger on his stag night. His wife has no idea. I also know a woman who shagged someone on her stag night and who was having an affair on the run up to her wedding. Three kids later her husband doesn't know.

Just no. No one makes people go to strip clubs. No one can justify this. It's not ok. It is fucking revolting. I am astounded by how many women think this is no big deal. It is a big deal. He lied. He's a liar. I don't care how many people say it's ok. It's cool. I would be fine with it. The OP isn't fine with it and she should not have her feelings diminished

Yes, he probably did pay for it - and that is the issue really: that's what they all want to see.

Your DP says he felt pushed into it, but what did he think was going to happen at that sort of stag event?

It's a bit like going on a flume ride and then saying you didn't think you'd get wet.

Personally I find stag and hen nights super tacky and totally unnecessary.

But he won't be the first or the last stag to have been made to look daft by some barely clad woman, so I guess best to just put it behind you.

ETA though I would add to that OP that neither DH nor I had a stag/hen thing, simply because we didn't feel it was necessary to start married life with some sort of ritual drunkeness or having a stranger's genitals wafted past our nose.

The sooner people start saying no (both guests and engaged couples), the better I think.

His mates were egging him on. The same mates that will be at the wedding yes. Fuck the lot of them. Completely disrespectful

Oh no. He lied about it too. And then said he was pressured into it when he did it twice. Putting it behind her is the last thing she should do. On any level

Well if she wants to get married still, I don't think she has much choice tbh.

But I agree, people have a stag night knowing exactly what will take place. If they don't they are a little short on IQ.

Personally I think they are a tradition that should go in the bin. The only point is to have fun though humiliating either the groom or the bride or both.

I've read threads where situations are seriously blown out of proportion. This thread definitely gets my vote for being the best yet.

OP nobody here knows what this man is like as a person & a partner. If you are intending to finish with him because he was intoxicated on his stag do & ended up participating in an act in a bar which is something you find distasteful, do you honestly believe this is an appropriate reason.

Does he have a history of upsetting you & this is the straw that broke the camels back. If he's generally a caring & responsible guy & he treats you well then my question is do you really want to marry him. If not this scenario seems like a perfect excuse for you to end it.

My DP can be a bit of a dick, but he doesnt have other women sit on his face or pull stuff out their fanny with his lips (and whatever else is certain went on).

My life is alright thanks!

Hundreds of women to get off with in clubs? That’s not even a reality for an Adonis!