To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Firstly it’s embarrassing for him not you.
secondly, did you not as about strip clubs or similar before he went and say how you felt?
I don’t love the idea but would probably be pissed off and then forget it. If he didn’t choose to do it, was drunk and it was a stag not a regular thing I’d probably get over it!

So you're saying he was sexually assaulted, at least twice, then. He either chose to be involved in sleaze or he was sexually assaulted.

If the latter he should report those involved.

Thank you. I’ve never thought of that, but perhaps I will at some point.

Ah gotcha. Didn't see a second reply from you.

IMHO the first night was enough for me 🤷‍♀️

Right, he chose to allow a sleazy woman to smear her private parts on his face. I would never be able to come within 5 feet of his face, ever again.

I think situations such as this are a reminder that we don’t always see the full picture in our relationships
Some behaviours go unnoticed simply because they’re never brought to light.
If the video hadn’t surfaced OP might have never questioned the relationship

Two separate sleazy women's private parts on two separate days

The first time clearly didnt make him feel in the least bit grim and off he went to pull ribbon from another woman's flaps like a tape dispenser

So hes not even bothering to make even a cursory attempt at sounding like hes regretful. Just "par for the course, others did it Mummy i had no choice...." 😔 id be amazed if they didnt go to an actual strip club for extras.

What a stupid twat risking everything over a bit of fanny and not wanting to say "no thanks lads but you crack on"

Would it have been “out of his control” if he cheated on you too? Honestly, grown men capable of making decisions cannot declare lack of responsibility on the basis they allowed something to happen to them when drunk which they knew was upsetting, disrespectful and wrong!

Well you see with the first night I thought the friend was more at a fault , I know you may disagree with me there but I did 🤷🏻‍♀️
I thought it was a stag do, & things got messy , but they were a bunch of drunken idiots.
Then i read what he did the second night , where he could have said no , he didn’t though & removed the ribbon using his mouth .
This would really have pissed me off if I were his Fiancé.
That whole stag do was centred around them being entertained by women .
If he goes away there on weekends away with his friends, or male colleagues to work events you couldn’t trust him ..

Don’t ruin your future happiness over this if there are no other red flags in your relationship. He went to some entertainment venues that were scummy on his stage do. All organised by his mates.

How much future happiness can OP expect if she decides cheating and exploiting women is okay for her future marriage? What she tolerates is what she'll get. This man is not going to raise his standards for her, he's not going to suddenly change his character. This is a weak and or careless guy who thinks nothing of going on a sex trip when he's about to be married. He won't pull back from cheating. He's ok using exploited and trafficked women for sexual activities. That means he lacks empathy and is ok using people to meet his wants. It's a misogynist attitude that bodes especially poorly for his future wife and any daughters. He's also easily led and goes along with the crowd.

Sorry you don't think sexual activities with exploited women and sex trips aren't giant red flags. They also indicate this guy is extremely unlikely to put himself out in the least to make a woman happy.

Oh and you may want to consider making him get an STI test if you do decide youre ok with what he did. My friends ex DH came back from a stag do in Benidorm with chlamydia as a souvenir 🤢

Presumably he wouldn’t be much into the idea of another man’s crotch in your face?
I think walk away.

Noone and nobody ‘forced ‘ him to remove that ribbon. How disrespectful
I could not marry a man who I didn’t respect
I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt after the first video surfaced but after having read the update ..He has shown you what kind of a person he is .
Think carefully before you marry him

Dear god

I am unsure what the friends spouse did. If he hid this type of behaviour from friend and then implied it’s okay as everyone does it then the friend should do what she wants to do with that information. But maybe he said that stag do got out of hand, I won’t be going next time. I’m so fucked off with Jim and Bruce, they really went to far this time. Do you think I should tell fiancée? And her friend said no I’ll do it. Or maybe he was involved and the friend found it on his phone?

It’s the lying and omission that is the bigger issue. STD risk too. Lack of informed consent next time you kiss or have sex.

If the friends husband was doing similar and the friend thinks her husband pulling ribbon out of a ladies vagina, in front of friends and being recorded on camera to be sent to god knows who is okay then she will stay with him.

If like op she has a bad feeling in her gut then she can use this to make a choice. That may mean resolving this together or parting ways.

Some couples have open relationships where both shag others. It’s the fact he wasn’t going to mention it to her. Ribbon woman may have syphillis or genital warts or genital herpes - he is risking ops sexual health and possibly her ability to have children.

He wasn't going to tell you about this

He knew I wasn’t keen on strip clubs however these were both bars/pubs (I’ve been able to verify this). The second ‘show’ I’ve now found out is well known/notorious over there.

Op you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.
It is not about other posters

What does the friend who sent you the initial video think of it all?
Is she upset with her partner for attending/facilitating?

No, she says it sounded quite tame compared to the last abroad hen she attended.

This.

If it is Benidorm then its certain the 2 instances you know about will be the mild stuff that went on.

I’m guessing Benidorm and Sticky Vicky? This is a well known grim show. I hope you manage to speak to him today and things settle down for you. There are many who wouldn’t bat an eye lid at this sort of thing but only you know if it’s something you can move past!

Sounds like the friend sent it thinking you’d find it a laugh like omg look at these 🤣🤣

So you’ve just realised him, his friends and their partners are the types who find it all fun, so this will definitely happen again.

You just won’t be told as you’ll be the boring wife.