To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Your (hopefully by now ex) fiance is a horrible skank (a great word that enrages the right people) who cannot be trusted. Not just one night of cheating with a stranger that you know about, two per your updates (that you know about).

He chose to get so munted he allowed a barely dressed slapper to humiliate him in public. Then he chose to let her smear her fanny on his face.

His friends are beyond pathetic and it's a massived flag that they're people he wants to spend time with.

He's either such a filthy grub he enjoyed some slapper's fanny juice smeared on his face (and if he'd even tried to turn his head away you'd have told us - let's be real he got a good mouthful - enjoy that thought next time he's putting his mouth near you 😣) or he's such a pitiful wanker he lets his grub friends direct his behaviour.

Imagine you went out with your mates and let some sleazebag wipe his cock all over your mouth, and you allowed him to bare your arse and let him beat you in front of a cheering crowd. You would, rightfully, be called every filthy name under the sun and summarily dumped.

So if you marry him, you will get precisely what you deserve. You will NEVER be able to trust him, obviously, and he will know he can do as he pleases and this will be your life. Forever. It is incredibly hard to change even one aspect of our character and we have to want to do it and be committed to it. Why would he bother? He enjoys being a gross pig and knows all he'll get from you is a bit of a tearful tantrum and then it's back to slappers-are-us whenever he feels like it.

This is his behaviour BEFORE he has you locked into marriage with vulnerable kids in the mix.

This is who he is. Accept this.

Are you going to marry a gross skank of man who enjoys a slapper's fanny smear in front of a cheering crowd? Are you going to choose a few years of humiliating behaviour, deep sadness, growing anger and finally divorcing him having wasted years of your life on this sad prick?

Or are you going to choose to have dignity and respect and accept that actually men who behave like this are by far in the minority, and you deserve better.

Those are your options. Pick one.

PS some women have very low standards and leap in to try to lower other women's standards. It's much the same behaviour as you see in junkies or people with horrible lives who have made poor choices, misery loves company and they hate to think so many women have escaped from the misery of living with a grubby sleazebag of a man and they've popped up here to try (and fail) to minimise the man you (apparently) still kiss allowing a slapper to smear her fanny on his face to a cheering croowd.

They're the ones who pretend to be offended by calling a slapper a slapper and a skank a skank too 😅😂 Or, even better, manage to manufacture some actual offence.

Being a mealy mouthed pearl clutcher (whilst almost always minimising and defending what is actually horrifying, the behaviour) is standard on this site though and I will laugh a merry laugh at anyone pretending to be fauxraged about my terminology. Don't want to be called a skank, don't act like one.d

I worked in bars and clubs for a long time and this is fairly standard stag do 'banter'. It's not really funny or original, but seems to be one of those things (humiliate the stag) that "has to happen". Similarly strippers or naked waiters/butlers at a hen do. Old and played out but still happens and somewhat expected.

It probably wouldn't bother me in isolation, but if it's a pattern of behaviour then it's different. Only you can really decide how you feel about it of course.

Urgh, that’s grim. I’d be questioning my choices.

OP, if you are looking for a man to marry who has never been to a strip club or who has never been egged on by his mates whilst drunk and done something stupid, then you will die single.

I’m a woman and even I’ve been to a few strip clubs in my time when out with male work colleagues. Not great as I am very conscious of the exploitation of vulnerable women. But when young, drunk and being dragged into the only place open to get another drink, I made poor decisions.

Don’t ruin your future happiness over this if there are no other red flags in your relationship. He went to some entertainment venues that were scummy on his stage do. All organised by his mates. I assume this isn’t how he usually spends his weekends? He didn’t cheat on you. He has been open with you, he knows you’re upset. Hopefully he has apologised. Move on and enjoy the run up to your wedding.

What low standards you must have in life.

her future husband took something out of the vagina of a stripper with his teeth and the previous night had another encounter

thats a bit different from sitting in a lounge watching a pole dance!

this woman needs our support not to be told to set herself up for a life of humiliation.

Everytime someone goes oh well it’s just what men do on stags is exactly why they get away with such scummy behaviour.

If everyone thought men that did it were dirty old perverts they wouldn’t be so keen to be going to those places as they wouldn’t want the stigma if caught out.

Women he may want to date going no love you don’t want to go near Johnny he likes to sniff strippers Fanny’s the dirty bastard.

Very off putting for Johnny and his dating life.

Is he a good man?!

I think this question has been answered by the acts.

Actions speak louder than words.

A good man wouldnt partake in such acts. He probably wouldn't be on this type of stag either

Gross. That's absolutely not true. I'm happy to have a DH who in his entire life, has never done anything that involved paying for sexual activities, the exploitation of women, or even having sex with a woman if she seemed too drunk. (Done stupid things, probably! But nothing like that. Working as a bouncer at clubs as a young man, he saw all sorts of scum and didn't want to be like them.)

I'm most certainly not naive about men, having been trafficked as an underage teenager, but I am quite certain that my DH has never done anything I'd find objectionable. It's just not in his nature.

I think you just have low standards, as pp said.

Life of humiliation??

Come on, stop with the hyperbole, hysterical PP’s foreseeing a life of misery over a one-off stag that involved pretty typical stag do stuff is doing nothing to help the OP.

Everyone needs to calm down and stop projecting. He didn’t break any laws. He didn’t even break any future marriage vows.

Everything needs to be put into context. Is he normally a loving, caring fiancé? Does he usually have raucous weekends? OP should base her decision to marry on the whole person, not just one weekend where he went somewhere that didn’t align with her values.

What a load of tosh.

There are men out there who dont drink, or drink in to oblivion, or use drink to excuse awful acts.

There are men out there who dont go to strip clubs, these type of stag dos, treat women like meat, and disrespect their relationships.

My DP is one of them.
My dad and his brothers too.
My male friends and colleagues (of which there are lots given my work) too.

I tend to find morally repugnant people attract other morally repugnant people.....horses for courses and all that

Read on please .
I have spoken some more .

been trafficked as an underage teenager

😢

This needs an AMA thread, if you feel able.

A loving caring fiance would not subject his fiance to this. How on earth any woman can say they are ok with this is beyond me. They are lying.

If you are in a committed relationship with someone you respect and love you dont pull ribbon out of someone else's vagina. Just because its labeled up as a stag do does not make the act ok.

?? I read your whole reply 🤷‍♀️
To summarise. A "good" man would not partake in such acts.
The end

OP, if you are looking for a man to marry who has never been to a strip club or who has never been egged on by his mates whilst drunk and done something stupid, then you will die single.

The single life is pretty good and certainly better than a life with someone the OP doesn't like or respect.

These two are just not right for each other and even if the OP doesn't accept that she should at least give the guy a no questions "get out" so he isn't condemned to a life with someone who no longer likes him.

When I wrote my first post ( the one you quoted me on ) , I had not seen where on another night he removed a ribbon from a strippers panties .
I thought he was out hammered with his friends at a resort club , the friend organised a stripper & we know the rest .
I presumed it was that one night 🤷🏻‍♀️
I didn’t realise the whole time away involved OPS fiancé & his buddies just basically away for women performing for them !!

OP, if you are looking for a man to marry who has never been to a strip club or who has never been egged on by his mates whilst drunk and done something stupid, then you will die single

That’s both very untrue, and such a low bar.

And the reality is that most men just don't behave like this. That's the lie women who are doormats to gross men want you to believe - that this is normal.

The very reaction to it, every single time it comes up, the fact that such grubby filthy behaviour causes massive issues, that it is the pivotal point in so many real life stories and created narratives is because it's not normal, it is deeply upsetting and most men don't actually behave like this.

If this kind of gross behaviour was normal, these grubby types wouldn't even bother setting it up. They do it because it's abnormal and so it has shock value.

This sort of stuff is rarely just shrugged off, people do react to it, because it's gross, and it's not, actually normal.

Yep. Would definitely not have married my husband if he'd ever been to a strip bar. 100% absolutely certain he never had or would.

It drives these coolwives (or men pretending to be women) absolutely round the twist that they're NOT the ones who get to set the bar for the rest of us.

It’s only ‘typical Stag stuff’ because we hear about these sleazy encounters. What many people seem to miss is they aren’t typical. Thousands of Stags manage to go out with their mates for a few beers without getting so trashed they lose their principles.

We don’t hear about them because they are boring and nothing sensational happened. That is normal.

If Stags and Hens are content to participate in sleazy activities then I suppose they deserve each other but it doesn't sound as if OP wants to go out with her Hen friends and have a bloke's penis smeared round her face.

Right. They stand out because they're abnormally sleazy, and they get a reaction because most of us are not on board with abnormally hypersexualised displays of behaviour.

If the kind of grossness described by the OP was the standard for a stag do, then the creepy friends would have to go next level to get their thrills. The entire point is that they go overboard and beyond normal group behaviours.

And…

Of this behaviour was normal, they wouldn’t need to go abroad to do the really filthy acts.

Nor would they need to keep it hidden, if there’s nothing to be embarrassed about! My hen do was at a spa, and at no point did we all agree that “what goes on tour, stays on tour.” We were all happy to share every single detail of every activity we took part in. Open book policy. If someone shared a photo with a partner, there would be no cries of breaking the code/who opened their big mouth.

Right. And any and all photos and videos would be shared on social media. Why not, if it's standard, accepted, no big deal?

Because it's not standard, it's rarely accepted and to the OP and many like her, it's a very big deal.

100% not true. He could have said no and not taken part no matter what anyone said if he respected you. There are many stag and hen dos which do not involved such behaviour - only one stag do DH has been on involved anything like this...the recent one the stag firmly said no and walked away from something like this!

Obviously some partners are ok with that sort of stuff but he should have known you were not (if he knows you at all he would have done)

“He felt he had no choice” if he can be easily persuaded to disrespect his about to be wife then I wouldn’t want him to be honest. I agree it’s very embarrassing