To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

Out of his control = ‘not my fault, I am not responsible’. Red flag here too.

Not showing you = red flag. He does not see what he did as the issue but you finding out is the issue.

Adk him ‘why didn’t you tell me?’. ‘I didn’t want to upset you’ is likely to be the answer! Ridiculous. Knowing won’t upset you, him doing it upset you. The ‘crime’ was the act (which he clearly knew would not be something you approved of) not the finding out.

Had he come home and said. ‘I am really sorry, I’ve fucked up as I was so drunk - this happened. I cannot believe I have done this and am going to take the following steps xxx. But I had to tell you as we are getting married and I can’t lie to you- even by omission’.

He was happy to remove your agency. He was going to let you marry him without knowing what he is prepared to do. THAT is what is vile.

What he's done is less of an issue than how you feel about it...in marriage that's what gets you through the difficult times.

The fact that what he's done is so repellent (to you, to me and to most women) but he's trying to minimise it/excuse it, is a big red flag...he clearly cared more about what his mates would say (if he hadn't gone along with it) rather than what you'd think.

Is someone who thinks like that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, and maybe have kids with?

You sound lovely, I think you can do a lot better than this idiot.

He might have well said “Everyone else’s mum lets them do it”.

Well you now have confirmation of who he is and his views, before marriage.

You can decide if he and his views are where your bar is at too.

You just need to talk to him face to face and find out how he feels about what happened in the cold light of day.
I imagine he’ll be mortified and, if he loves you, desperately sorry for the hurt you are feeling.
whatever other people say, these things do happen on stag nights and perhaps he should have anticipated it, but it’s done now. I’m sorry you had to see it. Talk to him!

And further to my last point. If he thought the behaviour is normal, acceptable, typical.

If you thought you would be okay with it.

If it happens at all stag dos.

If a wife who isn’t okay with it is not acceptable to him as ALL women know what happens at stag dos.

Then he really wouldn’t have hidden it! He would have told you.

And thank your friend who told you. She knows she could lose your friendship over this. She knows you are likely to stay with him and possibly cut her out. Women are told to keep out of this type if relationship business. But her values meant she told you.

She will have weighed up values vs pain/friendship. And decided your agency was more important to her then keeping quiet.

Shes a bloody good friend who has demonstrated her values. You are very lucky to have her.

This man takes no responsibility for his actions and choices. Red flag. He had every bit of control. It wasn't out of his control. He made a choice.

He pulled out the ribbon (ew) and has no idea if this woman has any diseases he could bring home to you. That shows a total disregard for your health.

There may be more you don't know but what you do know is enough for you to make a decision about whether this is the man you want to share your life with.

If by "middle" you mean "vagina", the second video sounds far worse as he is actively choosing to participate in something pretty gross. And others doing the same doesn't mean you have to consider it acceptable for your relationship

OP when was the wedding meant to be? Please don't ignore these massive red flags, don't tie your future to a man who doesn't respect you.. How would you feel making your vows while all these people are sniggering over videos of the groom with sex workers? If you don't already have kids consider this a lucky escape.

Agree with a Pp. He needs a partner who thinks this stuff is normal. Because he is going to do it. You’ll never trust him on others stag dos.

So you’ve got to decide if this behaviour is ok in your relationship / marriage.

He knew you wouldn’t like it which is why he tried to hide it and play it down which is also not a good look.

He reminds me of someone I dated for a few weeks at high school who insisted that sometimes cheating was out of men's control and they couldn't help themselves because a woman was so beautiful.

Even as a teenager I could laugh at how stupid this was, see the type of man he was, not trust him and dumped his sorry ass.

Par of the course ....
No its not..
Of course he can refuse ...
Get up and say ... nope im not doing that.
Would u refuse to do it to a guy dancer
I know I would

So sorry 😔

I can’t see what you were sent that video for .
She was just causing trouble .
Anyway her husband was there too .
It was a bunch of drunken idiots on a Stag do .
If your Fiancé is a good man all in all ,
Well is he ?
If the answer is yes , I’d put it behind me .

Run ..

Id be gone!

If my husband to be stuck his face in some slappers vagina for the fun of it ... id be outta there

Its not acceptable in my book

Maybe she realises that having a husband who does this type of thing isn’t a blessing? Maybe she is getting her ducks in a row.

But id tell my friend. I’d want to give her agency and I’d risk the friendship.

Also if the op and her partner do split up in the future and she asked the friend, ‘did you know what he was like, didn’t Barry your husband tell you?’. Personally I could not say ‘yep I knew but felt it best to not tell you. I watched you take vows and I celebrated at your wedding with you. I just wanted to not get involved’. No bloke is dragging me into his dirty lies.

If her fiancé is a good man all in all , I will stand by what I say .
They were a bunch of drunken idiots on a Stag Do .
His friend organised it !!!
Should his wife leave him aswel you think ??

This. They are all low moral standard fools! Do not marry this man. He is weak and disgusting.

If 'middle' means vagina:

Oh wtf, that's disgusting, OP 🤢 I wouldn't want to go near him after that. I'm so sorry. What a colossal prick he is, to be doing this to you. But whatever you decide, I think it's brilliant that you're showing him you're not a meek pushover who'll just shut up and accept such bad behaviour without a murmur.

Well that's beyond disgusting. He chose to behave this way, repeatedly. And then tried to justify it as if he had no control when if fact he is solely responsible for his actions. He's just making excuses and trying to play the victim.

So sorry Op - that’s just grim & really doesn’t bode well for a great start to married life. Good luck whatever you decide to do (& don’t feel pressured to go ahead with it just because stopping the wedding feels too much - you only get one life!)

Yes, she should.

I have higher standards than drunken idiots.

I don't think a good man would do this.

Well I just saw the post above where on another night he removed a Ribbon from a stripper’s panties with his mouth .
This is something he didn’t have to participate in , he could have said no when he was called up .
I naively thought it was one night that he was at a resort club & his friend organised a stripper/ dancer.

Now it seems the whole weekend revolved around women performing for men .
Would I trust him now when we are married if he went away with the boys ?
No I certainly would not .

If nothing else his spinelessness should be enough for you to dump him. Does this man have no autonomy, no thoughts of his own, no opinions of his own, no voice. Who wants a man who is just other people’s puppet?

The humiliation you feel now and if you do cancel your presumably much wanted & planned for wedding is NOTHING in comparison to a life of remembering these events is how he decided to treat your union together. You will never forget this & a lifetime of quiet humiliation is much worse than lost deposits and confused guests having their gifts returned.

I believe sometimes the world is sending us messages that get louder and louder before we listen. This could be your chance to actually see him for his true self and be able to swerve away.

i promise you you may not realise it now but a man who loves and adores you would NEVER humiliate you like this.