To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

I asked him to show me the photos/video on the group chat if he had nothing else to hide. He was reluctant at first and then let me.

On a separate night (he is ‘dressed up’ in a outfit), there’s another bar they are in with a woman putting on a ‘show’ which is her taking things out of her ‘middle’ lets just say. At different points, stags/hens are called up to participate. This included DP. It shows him kneeling down and removing a sort of ribbon with his mouth 😷

I sent him to stay at his Mum’s last night whilst I decide what to do.

Is he apologetic OP?

Does he understand why you are so upset?

What is her “middle”? Do you mean to say that he removed a ribbon from (yet another) sex worker’s vagina with his teeth?

Doesn’t sound like he was being sexually assaulted, as PP have said upthread. Multiple sex workers and multiple incidents of DP’s face in their nether regions.

Does his mum know why he’s been sent home, or is it because “Aquadream is being hysterical and mean”?

He is apologetic but maintains it was out of his control and ‘as the video shows it’s par for the course whether it’s men or women’

There's no decision to make. If in the early days he's upset you enough to be sent to his mums then the relationship is going to be car wreck.

I think you need to end it and also make it 100% clear to him that he can also end it with no questions asked. I fear that this marriage is going to go ahead becaise he thinks it's what you want when you already have grave misgivings yourself. There seems to be a lot of miserable marriages where neither partner was very enthusiastic from the start and this is looking like one of them.

Doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel about it and that is beyond doubt.

You don't like him much and I'm damn sure after this nightmare he'd jump at an excuse to escape. This will only get worse. Just split ASAP before you ruin each other's lives.

Knitting! 😂

What do you mean by “dressed up”? He either is or isn’t. You can also say the word vagina. It’s not a dirty word. 🙄

Have you spoke about things like stripper etc before? Did he know you didn’t like them?
Lots of people, men and women, aren’t bothered by strippers. You need to decide if it’s enough to end a relationship with a man you were wanting to marry.

So it’s a race to the bottom. As my mum used to say…”If everyone else jumped off of a bridge, would you?”

If he’s taking zero accountability and not showing proper remorse, it doesn’t sound like he’s actually sorry. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong, so there is nothing to be sorry for. This is not an equal match of values and morals. Think very carefully about whether or not this is what you want in a long-term partner—life is easy in the honeymoon phase, but marriage is hard graft once you’re years and years in—a firm foundation from the outset is imperative.

Totally unacceptable response.
No accountability here for what he's done, and let's be clear here, done as in CHOSEN to do, no remorse with this pathetic response.
He's in fact justifying it.

'Par for the course' is an insult to your intelligence and your boundaries.
If he had an affair further down the line, would he site that he slipped and fell into her vagina, and that it happened after having some alcoholic drinks and therefore this is also just 'par for the course'?
Get rid.

The lack of respect is not only to OP, but women per se, who are often coerced trafficked and into this type of scenario. Oh yes! women are expected to suck all this up and go along with the "they're just being boys having a bit of fun" It's so much more than that, the women who think it's ok, think beyond to the women who may be forced into these acts, while men have their night of last night single, maybe also question why they need a last sexual experience with another if they're about to commit to the one woman who they are supposed to love and respect. Those men of yours are colluding with exploitation. I agree with others who say it's about what the individual find acceptable. We all have different standards. The act in question sounds pretty extreme, his face in contact with the woman's genitals, A vision to repeat inside your head again and again. I'm glad you've sent him off to his mother's place. I'd think about cancelling the wedding who would want the accompanying men at this tawdry show to even be there, given they're the ones that put him in this position, and maybe none of this would have taken place if they hadn't negotiated all of that. So! reset your relationship. Possibly rearrange the wedding, very much on the basis that, best man and his fellow conspirators do not attend. He's probably not going to like that one little bit, but they played their part in not only his humiliation but yours vicariously. Are they the sort of people you want hanging around on the periphery of your shared life together.

Yes can you please be accurate ? Middle to me is something that has been placed on her belly button whilst lying down and “presented” on a platter so to speak..

however pulling something out of her vagina with his teeth is something next level.

and no, that behaviour is not par for either Men or women. My bridesmaid hosted a pottery event for me the first time around, my ex went on a motocross bike ride.

my 2nd time around no one knew we were getting married until we invited them for dinner and got married after dinner (we pre arranged the celebrant and documents).

lol…sorry…must have been the vino! Not sure how to delete a post! I’ll stop replying to posts after a drink! ;)

Horrendous BUT to be expected standard Stag do behaviour - WHY were some partner's wives there?!!

"This is not an equal match of values and morals."

I think this is key really. It seems from this thread that a lot of people really don't care about strippers and their partners having their faces in another women's vagina etc so it's really down to whether or not you care about it.

That's really the only decision that needs to be made whether you want to marry a man who is like this or not.

It's really important when choosing a life partner that you choose somebody who matches you I think.

This. The man is question is the perfect match for a woman who will laugh it off when he does this at all of his friends’ stag dos over the coming years, where she shrugs and says, “Boys will be boys, what can you do,” as she heads off to see Magic Mike for her friend’s hen do.

Doesn’t sound like this woman is you, OP.

Well I wouldn’t marry someone who thinks things like that are ok but each to their own. Will you ever trust him on a night out/ holiday without you again? If the answer is no then I’d end the relationship as trust needs to be deep!

You'll be a long time needing to trust this man if you get married and have kids . If this is going to stick in your mind , and be brought up in arguments , please think about it carefully , it would be unbearable. I have memories from within my very long marriage that I can't forget or forgive , and though I'm still married , they are always in my mind . .

Please consider carefully and if like me you too simply can't forget or forgive easily, going ahead would be unbearable for both of you .
Best wishes whatever your decision .

Only you can judge whether this is out of character or something that's going to be a repeat occurrence.

It does sound grim, but stag nights are grim. They have traditionally played on the idea of "last night of freedom", whether thats right or wrong.

What a load of sh*te.
My DP wouldnt dream of going anywhere near these sleezy horrible destinations and places, neither would his friends.

He could have gone and done numerous other things as a stag do. He wasnt made to do anything. Either he was unhappy but caved to peer pressure (im which case whats next?!) Or he wanted to go and loved it.

Hes pulled a ribbon with his teeth out of someone's v*g while others filmed it

My v*g would be clamp shut with him in 50m of me. How can you stand across him and make wedding vows after this is beyond me.

Her middle??? If you’re a grown woman who can’t bring herself to write the word ‘fanny’ or vagina or whatever you call a woman’s genitalia, I can see why there’s a problem.

You deserve so much better than this. My ex did somethings similar on his stag and I went ahead even though my gut was telling me not too divorced within three years. Please don't do it send him packing he is disrespectful to you and wouldn't have told you this had your friend not sent you the video while he and his mates laugh about it behind your back.

If you have no kids and are financially independent I would walk away.

Even if he felt forced into it and he blames peer pressure or felt he was unable to say no - that says so much about character.

I have been extremely drunk and turned people down. Alcohol loosens inhibitions but I don’t believe it changes your core character. I have never done anything drunk that is against my values - for example drunk driving, punching a stranger, skipping a fare on a tube. (Just to add I know people who have justified these three actions as down to being drunk).

He mixes with people who think strippers are okay. These are his associates and we tend to mix with similar sorts.

I want a life partner not a wedding and I think he would have failed (in my opinion) and I would cancel the wedding. Our values and morals would be incompatible.

This behaviour is not "par for the course" for many thousands of stags and hens.

He did have a choice.
After the first night, he could have said 'ok, guys, no more shows, I'm only up for drinking'. Or something like that. But he didn't.

He's only sorry he got caught, not that he did it.

What other activities might he join in with, in the future, because all his mates are doing it?

All of us commenting on your post could say this type of sleazy, degrading, exploitative behaviour would be a deal breaker for us, but what really matters is whether it is for you. Or not.