To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

I agree with these comments, I’m not married but I do remember when it was extremely common for hen parties to have a male stripper attend and more often than not a bride was sat in a chair whilst the stripper more or less gave her a lap dance. But that would have been many moons ago. Only the OP knows what her partner is normally like, personally for me I’d let it go most stags end up humiliated with something on their stag dos.

Exactly & no he won't allow it to w haunt him. He did nothing wrong other than to get intoxicated on his stag do & have his contemporaries take advantage of him.

Did he show you his penis at the door? What an odd turn of events

Hmm I get he would feel pressure and bet people would think it was ok if a male stripper was swinging his bits in your face on your hen do 🤷‍♀️
If he was touching her or doing anything sexual then it would obvs be over for me but if it was just a bit of show fun then I would laugh it off with everyone else.

Please share the strategies, it sounds really helpful (for kids, I don’t have a dh or stag fiance)

Pmsl 🤣 that reply is hilarious

I’ve seen groups of women behaving just as bad if not worse than this on hen weekends and disappearing into hotel rooms with men.
Honestly it’s not the worst thing that could have happened over the weekend It’s not great but it’s literally the last party before he’s with the same person forever, it was done in a joke type of way he’s coming home afterwards. It’s done as a performance in these places and it’s all fake. They do it like a show for entertainment for the people buying the drinks.
I don’t think it’s a respectable way to conduct himself no, But that’s part of the humiliation his friends signed him up for during the weekend and like he said there were several groups.
I think I would just trust he’s got it out of his system now and people sending you this stuff I would just answer that they clearly all had too good of a time and drank more than they could handle. Don’t be embarrassed its a stupid tradition they used to be stripped naked and tied to lampposts but it’s finished now put it behind you.

Thank god you’ve not married him yet you have chance to escape this looser!

Your friend obviously didn’t approve, hence sending you the video. I ended a relationship over several things but the final straw was a strip club for someone else’s birthday. No idea what happened there but it made me feel sick.
the scenario sounds grim, bondage gear and the lowering, all I can think is that she must have had a sweaty ‘area’ in presumably plasticky or similar clothing.
I’d be super self conscious about odour hovering over a strangers face after dancing , but that’s just me.
@Aquadream i wouldn’t like it, plenty of people would laugh it off and say it’s harmless, it’s really down to how you feel about it

There is an act called the Dentist chair popular on stag nights that sounds like this. The stag is forced on the chair while the act does her thing. OP get over it & if you can't there must be far more to it than this means nothing incident

💯. And add to that all of those with online porn/Onlyfans/Instagram soft porn addictions.

Obviously only OP can decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker. A lot of people are saying it’s not a big deal – but that’s not objective. Whether or not it’s a ‘big deal’ depends on a person’s individual values.

So some people might not be bothered by this, expected it to happen at their future DH’s stag do, and would do similar at their hen do – fine. I think it’s trashy, but if they’re happy with it, within the bounds of their relationship, then it’s okay for them. But clearly OP didn’t agree to him partaking in such activities, she’s not okay with it, and she feels disrespected and hurt – it’s not acceptable behaviour within their relationship. And that’s perfectly alright, and not overreacting.

If she feels confident that this is a deeply out of character incident, caused by too much drink and bad friends taking advantage of him, and he would never repeat the behaviour again, then of course she shouldn’t postpone the wedding. Although his reaction doesn’t bode well, and if he’s not keen to distance himself from his friends after they – as pp have pointed out – essentially helped in rendering him incapable, and then orchestrated his sexual assault (if he wasn’t willing), then that’s also a concern.

Only OP can know whether or not she’s capable of moving past this, and whether or not it’s a one-off aberration that he’s either deeply ashamed of, or willing to distance himself from his friends over. But if he’s not ashamed, or disillusioned with his friends, and he’s going to spend the next several years going on wild nights out with them, or on their stag dos, I think she should think very carefully about what that says about his character.

Whatever the case, OP shouldn’t feel pressured to go ahead with a marriage she no longer feels confident about, just because it’s booked and would cost money to cancel. That would be the worst kind of mistake.

Run run run run run

There is a reason the universe has made sure you have this information.

either ignore it now and wait for more signs later down the track or take this information for what it is - a massive red flag on his moral compass.

"Am I wrong to have reacted like this?"

No. Not at all. She wasn't a stripper; your fiance had an "entertainer" lower her barely-covered genitalia right above his face.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Embarrassed or not, he's the one who went along with this and let it continue after it started getting OTT.

Honestly, I would want to see all the video, pictures, and messages your friend was sent. It might give a more realistic picture of what the entire trip was like. Was it just a rowdy lads' trip? Was this the very worst of it? Or were there more questionable events that occurred?

Re-evaluating your relationship might be a good thing. He needs to know what your boundaries are, and be aware that you'll keep them. Even if this was the only sexualized behavior that went on, I hope you get clarity and a much bigger apology than you've gotten so far.

You deserve so much better. ❤️

It may not have been a strip club as such but I bet it will have had signs up advertising the woman being there. The only reason the bar would have her there is to get men through the door. Not being unreasonable at all. Bet his so called mates woukd turn a blind eye to an affair and cover for each other as well.

During the video did he seems to be upset or really embarrassed or was he laughing along either it. Sounds gross and upsetting and yes cheating.

How did he react was he very apologetic and upset and say he won’t be going away with them again or was it more if a brush off that “I was drunk no big deal” kind of reaction.

I would tell him this was a betrayal and a big deal and you are considering if you should marry him at all. See how he reacts to that. His reaction will tell you everything. If he dares to gaslight you or minimise your feelings the relationship is dead.

He was drunk. I don’t think he could consent to what happened to him.

so basically your finance comes back from a trip after essentially being assaulted and having it filmed and distributed and you would dump him?

I think quite frankly, he’d be better off without you and the others who would do the same.

😂

He had no choice? He was sexually abused? Did he call the police? What a lilylivered wet lettuce. 😳🙄

Imagine being married to this tosspot. Every time he drinks alcohol he might be sexually abused. Poor lamb 😵‍💫

If you swapped him for a drunk woman and a man did the same to her would you still feel the same way?

It wasn’t done to him…. He was engaging in it!

Not accordingly the OP he wasn’t

‘id say looked awkward but he was clearly very drunk’

she also said he don’t touch her at all. He wasn’t in a strip club just an ordinary bar so he didn’t necessarily have any expectation that was going to happen and the best man organised it. He also didn’t consent to have it filmed and distributed.

if this was a women 99% of people would have felt horrible for her her and if her fiance had thought of dumping her you’d be all up in arms about it!

You do know that there is a whole range of stag do activities between knitting and having a naked woman sit on your face? Men don't have to chose one or the other. 🙄

I’m sorry but I don’t know how anyone can be with these sorts of men. They are so bloody cringe. The whole attitude to sex and women is so childish and pathetic. No way could I marry him, yuck.

This

This was my first thought. I bet all of them were up to dodgy stuff that night, and way worse than what was videoed.