Page 20 | To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

Aquadream · 2026-04-20T19:52:43+00:00

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated. DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well. One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning. She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face. This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group. I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’. I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend. Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

BlueRedCat · Yesterday 21:19

Daisyhon · Yesterday 19:59

It’s seedy & horrible but this kind of thing is not limited to just the stags . I have been on loads of hen nights & the behaviour of some of the women is unbelievable ( on my own hen night , I had to endure a horrendous “ dance “ from a greased up stripper , ( I had to hide some of the pics from my mother ) . I didn’t want to be a party pooper but I wasn’t a willing participant . Two of the hen party then went home with him & u can guess the rest 🤮 I have worked in nightclubs & some of the women on here telling her to dump him probably need to be a fly on the wall at some stag nights , u might find that your own lovely partner is not a saint that you think he is by any means . I think boundaries at these events are getting pushed further than ever before . One of the worst behaved groups on a stag night when I was working was when the local rugby club guys came in . Used to be a hen or stag night now more often than not it’s a whole weekend .

interesting question then- would your fiance have been justified in dumping you if a video had come out of you on your hen do participating in an equivalent event to the OP’s fiancé?

Wheresthebeach · Yesterday 21:20

Moveoverdarlin · Yesterday 20:37

Really? You think blokes that get lap dances on their stag dos, go on to do it frequently? I think that’s bollocks. You’re assuming he enjoyed it, and I bet he bloody didn’t. It’s mortifying but it’s kinda par for the course. I don’t think you can judge a guy from the behaviour on his stag do.

I was made to lick cream off a butler in the buffs ass cheek, all to the hilarious cheers of my friends. I can assure you it was a one off. Never felt the urge again funnily enough. My best friend who was a junior doctor at the time booked it and I still say to her (it was 17 years ago) ‘What possessed you to book him when you knew my soon to be MIL would be there?’ She laughs and says it was my MIL who couldn’t get enough.

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I think there are strip clubs up and down the country filled with men doing exactly that. Its not rare and if you think blaming friends means he has no responsibility for his actions then you're treating him like some weak willed baby. The whole, oh poor me I'm such a victim because I did what my friends want, is the most pathetic excuse men use. Get a grip. You weren't made to do it...you didn't have the guts to say no, that's on you.

BlueRedCat · Yesterday 21:24

Wheresthebeach · Yesterday 21:20

I think there are strip clubs up and down the country filled with men doing exactly that. Its not rare and if you think blaming friends means he has no responsibility for his actions then you're treating him like some weak willed baby. The whole, oh poor me I'm such a victim because I did what my friends want, is the most pathetic excuse men use. Get a grip. You weren't made to do it...you didn't have the guts to say no, that's on you.

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Oh come on, drunk people are easily manipulated . I doubt very much he was actively taking part rather than just going with the flow. The OP herself has admitted that he wasn’t actively partaking and was a bit awkward. It’s been a long time since I was that drunk but I reckon in those situations I could have been pretty much dragged anywhere and I wouldn’t have been in a position to refuse.

ThatLemonBee · Yesterday 21:28

I got married last summer and the wedding would not have happened if my husband pulled up this , sorry that’s cheating in my books

Jorge14 · Yesterday 21:34

He didn’t have to go along with it & he could’ve told his best man not to arrange anything like that, he could’ve said no at any time. A woman lowered herself on his face, not sure i would be able to forget about that. There’s good men who don’t do that stuff.

changeme4this · Yesterday 21:37

The choice of venue would have been out of his hands. And yes his mates would have got him completely sloshed.

that says something more about them and whether they were still looking after him or pushing him as far as he would go…

From that, moving forward, I would be questioning if they are decent friends and ask your partner how does he feel about them after the event. If he felt compromised does he intend to pull back from those friendships or carry on as per usual?

if he plans on carrying on per usual, IMO he then doesn’t see anything wrong about the situation he found himself in… there’s my starting point as to what you should consider.

Pinklemonade1 · Yesterday 21:40

The vast majority (but by no means all) of stag do's are predictable and grim. This happened to my BF and she was mortified and almost called the wedding off. It's horrible behaviour by men but, honestly, I don't believe for a minute that this calls their character/fidelity into question. My friend went on to marry and they have been very happily married for over 20 years. Definitely tell him this is unacceptable should he go on a stag do in the future but if all aspects of your relationship are happy please don't let this cloud the future you have planned together.

Wheresthebeach · Yesterday 21:40

BlueRedCat · Yesterday 21:24

Oh come on, drunk people are easily manipulated . I doubt very much he was actively taking part rather than just going with the flow. The OP herself has admitted that he wasn’t actively partaking and was a bit awkward. It’s been a long time since I was that drunk but I reckon in those situations I could have been pretty much dragged anywhere and I wouldn’t have been in a position to refuse.

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Being a drunken disgusting man doesn’t mean you get to play the ‘I’m not responsible for my actions card’. One pathetic excuse after another.

Endorewitch · Yesterday 21:45

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 20/04/2026 21:01

That's cheating in my book

Sleazy yes,but no way is it cheating.Maybe he should decide never to get so pissed in future.

Endorewitch · Yesterday 21:48

Jorge14 · Yesterday 21:34

He didn’t have to go along with it & he could’ve told his best man not to arrange anything like that, he could’ve said no at any time. A woman lowered herself on his face, not sure i would be able to forget about that. There’s good men who don’t do that stuff.

He was totally drunk!Easily manipulated.
Sordid behaviour,but hopefully he has learnt his lesson.

Endorewitch · Yesterday 21:52

changeme4this · Yesterday 21:37

The choice of venue would have been out of his hands. And yes his mates would have got him completely sloshed.

that says something more about them and whether they were still looking after him or pushing him as far as he would go…

From that, moving forward, I would be questioning if they are decent friends and ask your partner how does he feel about them after the event. If he felt compromised does he intend to pull back from those friendships or carry on as per usual?

if he plans on carrying on per usual, IMO he then doesn’t see anything wrong about the situation he found himself in… there’s my starting point as to what you should consider.

They were likely all as bad as each other. He was the sleazy guy who got videoed.
Maybe suggest he doesnt go on another stag do,but dont ruin your future with him because of one disgusting weekend.

ChampagneLassie · Yesterday 21:56

TheGoldenOwl · 20/04/2026 22:45

Having read your update OP , just take a step back....

...From the thread.

When this thread is buried on page 158 of AIBU and all the PPs in the mob who were chanting LTB have turned their attention to other things and can barely remember you, do you really want to be standing there with your relationship in tatters.

I'm just saying dont get carried away. I know a few men who had the usual stag dos of this type and they are living perfectly normal family lives/good husbands etc. this stag do does not undo all the reasons you wanted to marry him and suddenly turn him into an arsehole.

Edited

This. I’d feel embarrassed if I were you too, but this is very standard stag do behaviour and I’d laugh it off and forget it. This shouldn’t be the judgement of whether you get married or not.

BlueRedCat · Yesterday 22:00

Wheresthebeach · Yesterday 21:40

Being a drunken disgusting man doesn’t mean you get to play the ‘I’m not responsible for my actions card’. One pathetic excuse after another.

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But the OP herself says he looked awkward and wasn’t partaking. It was just happening to him!

X3boys · Yesterday 22:01

Honestly it would depend on his reaction, not what the woman was doing as part of a performative routine to embarrass him. If he looked drunk and awkward and like he was just going along with it because he had a load of blokes who had paid good money for a stag piss up abroad I’d probably not think anymore of it. If he looked bloody delighted I’d maybe be a bit worried/fuming.

my husband didn’t get a stag as we had to suddenly bring forward our wedding (pregnant), but I think he’d of probably got up there and done his drunk awkward laugh and just got through it in front of his mates, and it’s 50/50 on which ones would have found it hilarious to embarrass him and which ones would have just thought the whole thing was stupid. Of course it’s sleazy to women, but to some men it’s just a way of embarrassing the groom (big part of a stag do!). If it was a genuinely sexual encounter, it wouldn’t be in front of a crowd chanting being videoed.

the whole point of it seems to be his best man embarrassing him….not you! You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about at all. If I saw a groom to be on a stag do with a woman paid to make a scene it certainly wouldn’t make me think any differently of his bride to be or their relationship (unless he was clearly in his element). I’ve no idea why she would send it to you anyway…of all the stags my husbands been on I don’t think I’ve even opened half of the pictures he’s sent me, I’m just not interested in a load of middle aged men getting drunk and sunburnt and behaving like teens cos they’re back together and carefree for once 🤣

Dontlletmedownbruce · Yesterday 22:09

BlueRedCat · Yesterday 22:00

But the OP herself says he looked awkward and wasn’t partaking. It was just happening to him!

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Yes this is a point I made upthread. When a girl is off her face drunk there is a presumption that she is vulnerable and isn't fully responsible for what happens. Yet when a man is equally drunk we have a higher expectation / double standard and he is expected to take responsibility for his decisions and actions. Using the standards that are applied to women, this man didn't consent to this happening to him and therefore can't be accountable. Yes it's a grey area in the middle but I think its a fair point at the same time.

BlueRedCat · Yesterday 22:12

Dontlletmedownbruce · Yesterday 22:09

Yes this is a point I made upthread. When a girl is off her face drunk there is a presumption that she is vulnerable and isn't fully responsible for what happens. Yet when a man is equally drunk we have a higher expectation / double standard and he is expected to take responsibility for his decisions and actions. Using the standards that are applied to women, this man didn't consent to this happening to him and therefore can't be accountable. Yes it's a grey area in the middle but I think its a fair point at the same time.

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Actually you have articulated what I have just been thinking. If this had been a woman, the posters would have been up in arms about this being assault because she was too drunk to consent. Because it is a man it is automatically sleazy and he’s accountable in a way a woman wouldn’t be. I actually feel sorry for the guy as it is on video and he’ll have it haunt him forever.

Fuchvyghfdmu5464 · Yesterday 22:14

Bringbackbuffy · 20/04/2026 20:56

Grim. He’s getting so drunk he allows another woman to lower herself onto his face? Fuck that.

Yes, and the whole “ I was pushed into it” is BS. And if a “normal bar” has strippers it’s a very sleazy place.

Cherryicecreamx · Yesterday 22:27

Your wedding WAS in the summer. Well it would be if I were you.
I don't think I'd be humiliated, more disappointed he acts this way. Would he have told you if it wasn't for the video? I doubt it.
I'm so over stag dos hiring a scantily clad woman right before they're due to marry the woman they're supposed to love.. where's the respect in that 🤷‍♀️

LittleJustice · Yesterday 22:34

Moveoverdarlin · Yesterday 20:26

Exactly this. The person at fault here is the mate that sent the video. I’ve been on some hen dos before that were wild. But on Monday morning the very respectable hen went back to work as teachers and lawyers and nurses and have never licked squirty cream off a stripper’s nipple since.

You can’t judge a person from the behaviour on their stag or hen do. Is it all a bit tacky and old fashioned? Yeah course it is, you can spot Brits on a stag or hen a mile off. But… If this kind of thing really isn’t your bag then don’t go on a foreign stag with 20 blokes. Some blokes go mountaineering in the mendips or kayaking with Nigel and Geoff in the Lake District, followed by a pint of bitter in the Rose and Crown.

The problem here is the video - what they did (the mate and his wife) was beyond fucking cruel and shit stirry)

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Isn't this the point though do you really want to marry the people who would do this? I feel like you absolutely can judge them. And yes I agree all sorts of really terrible things happen on foreign stag dos that might not happen if they stayed at home. I know my ex husband told me of stags he'd been on where a lot of the men would sleep with prostitutes in places where it was legal whereas perhaps they wouldn't have done that at home.

I for one would prefer to marry the people who would go climbing or kayaking and then to the pub for a pint. I judge them as well. To be decent men.

And I also think that I would want to see the video to know the type of scumbag that I had got myself engaged to so that I could get myself unengaged.

Hmwales · Yesterday 22:38

Definitely end the relationship now.

ToastSafeFromMothsAndDogs · Yesterday 22:42

My DH’s stag party went to laser quest. Tbh I think that was a better idea.

Beachforever · Yesterday 22:58

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 22:30

I am seriously weighing up first thing tomorrow, looking at what the financial implications would be of postponing the wedding. I am spitting mad and reading these replies has made me realise I need to make a stand.

It’s not great but I don’t think this is “cancel the wedding” territory.

Do you trust your soon to be DH? Do you think he would ever cheat on you, lie to you? If the answer is that you do trust him, then you have your answer.

Reasonstobelieve · Yesterday 23:02

I've read your updates OP.
If this is your reason for calling off your wedding then imo you are looking for an excuse & don't love him. It was his stag do. Those who attend those events are well known for this off the wall one off type of behaviour & in all categories of life. Give the man a break. He didn't invite the act back to his room. If you wish to dump him please give him an appropriate reason.

Summerhut2025 · Yesterday 23:05

notacooldad · 20/04/2026 21:16

I don’t take the ‘Peer pressure made me do this stupid thing’ from my just-turned-fourteen year old.

100%.

I remember my lad at 14 telling me about peer pressure and I gave him strategies to get out of situations. He told me a couple of months later they had worked and a couple of mates followed his lead and they got out of a dodgy situation he didn't want to be in.

If a mid teen lad can fo that I'm sure an adult male who is with his supposed friends can as well.

Can you share the strategies please? I have a kid who will be teenager soon as they may be helpful.. 😘

Beachforever · Yesterday 23:06

LittleJustice · Yesterday 22:34

Isn't this the point though do you really want to marry the people who would do this? I feel like you absolutely can judge them. And yes I agree all sorts of really terrible things happen on foreign stag dos that might not happen if they stayed at home. I know my ex husband told me of stags he'd been on where a lot of the men would sleep with prostitutes in places where it was legal whereas perhaps they wouldn't have done that at home.

I for one would prefer to marry the people who would go climbing or kayaking and then to the pub for a pint. I judge them as well. To be decent men.

And I also think that I would want to see the video to know the type of scumbag that I had got myself engaged to so that I could get myself unengaged.

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A man’s stag party is for his mates as much as it is for him. Especially as they are the ones organising it 99% of the time.

DH wanted a foodie weekend in Copenhagen going to a fancy restaurant there which, at the time, was voted the best in the world. His mates, who are quite different to him, were having none of it and wanted to go to Amsterdam or Prague. In the end they compromised on Barcelona.

I think it’s quite simplistic to judge people by the company they keep. I have plenty of friends whose values don’t completely align with my own. One of my closest friends is an American full-on Trump supporter!