To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

I’m very old and this type of Stag Do didn’t happen back in the Dark Ages when I got married.

I have to say despite all the low bars some posters on here seem to have, I’d think about that video every time I kissed his face. No, wrong, I’d never want to kiss his face again. (Why can't I find a puke emoji on here ?)

Really? You think blokes that get lap dances on their stag dos, go on to do it frequently? I think that’s bollocks. You’re assuming he enjoyed it, and I bet he bloody didn’t. It’s mortifying but it’s kinda par for the course. I don’t think you can judge a guy from the behaviour on his stag do.

I was made to lick cream off a butler in the buffs ass cheek, all to the hilarious cheers of my friends. I can assure you it was a one off. Never felt the urge again funnily enough. My best friend who was a junior doctor at the time booked it and I still say to her (it was 17 years ago) ‘What possessed you to book him when you knew my soon to be MIL would be there?’ She laughs and says it was my MIL who couldn’t get enough.

I know two men that this has happened to, both of whom I would trust with my life, and both of whom absolutely worship their wives. In both instances it was some sad-case on the stag who'd organised it despite the groom being pretty clear in advance that he didn't want any of that stuff - Some old school friend who they feel obliged to call "best mate" but who in reality they don't see very often, and wouldn't be friends with now if they'd only just met them.
I understand the point is actually to humiliate the groom - hence the pressure not to make a fuss and refuse to play along- but it's just sordid and embarrassing for all concerned. I don't think I'd break up with DH over it though, unless he was the actual sad case organising it.

🤮🤢 here you go x

Love it 😊

Genuinely for those who see no problem.

If these grooms genuinely hate those half naked ladies dancing on their bodies and faces how comes so many men seen to book for the grooms to have it done.

Why is it so popular yet allegedly the grooms must all hate it really.

Because most stags seem to have a mixture of married, relationship and single men.

Most of the men in attendance don’t just watch the groom get danced on they all tend to get involved with the dancers/strippers in some sort of way from most stories I’ve read.

Id never marry someone whose "scene" with mates looked like that. Just lads with laddish behaviour. Not for me but lots of girls love guys like that and going out on the lash with their mates in the same way. Depends on the person. Only u know u.
U have been sent a message tho about what he and his friends are like.

Thanks. I feel better for that ! They don't seem to be on offer if I'm using a laptop although I can get them on my phone.

I’m minded of the Billy Connolly joke regarding the late Queen visiting a hospital….. Just Google ‘wire brush and dettol’. Because I would even snog him after using wire brush and dettol.

My bar is as high as the Sky

My DH is one of the most faithful & brilliant family man you could care to meet. If there are red flags according to your original post OP this isn't one of them & apologies if I've missed updates

I should add your 'friend' sounds like it is her who has the problems

Whenever I see a hen party especially a raucous one with inflatable willies etc, I always look for the mortified friend. There is always one, often more. Hens and stags tend to have a core group and then the stragglers, the work pal, the soon to be in law etc. There are always a few that are not on board with what's going on but are put in a difficult position where it's rude to leave. I know this isn't OPs question, it's more in response to those saying all men at this type of stag do are all behaving the same way. I don't believe they are, same with hens.

Have a wonderful wedding xx

If you’re going into marriage planning to spend your time arguing with each other over something that happened on a stag do that you had little control over before you were even married, then it probably isn’t for you anyway.

If they are engaged, I’d hope the OP knows him well enough to give him the benefit of the doubt that his mates put him in an awkward as chuff situation. If not, they absolutely shouldn’t be getting married. If you trust your husband-to-be so little then sack it off entirely.

Honestly, a stag do is a bit of embarrassing fun. It’s not the basis of an entire marriage, and I’d bet my left kneecap that plenty of the naysayers on here are married to husbands who had equally nasty stag dos, but their friends are decent enough not to share the videos with their future wives. What they don’t know hasn’t hurt them.

Oh please 😂

It's an odd reaction to feel humiliated. As though you care more how this reflects on you rather than his standing in your own eyes. I can imagine feeling upset and ewww and disappointed and having a major ick (major enough to put me off him entirely). But I don't get the humiliation. What's humiliating about it? How do his poor choices reflect on you?

What do you think goes on at a stag do - knitting??

Damn - too late to change. Make that 'I wouldn't even snog him.....'

Ok I'm gping to go against the grain here. Before smartphones, we took photos with cameras.so I guess the same with images/cam recording, but not easily shared.

He's on a wild stag night, said woman went down on him while he was laid on the floor! This is what happens and if your friends get a stripper he will do the same.

If you made it your right kneecap I'd take you on, I need a new one. I know exactly what happened on my husband to be's stag do and it wasn't this sort of stupid rubbish.

It's his stag do! Give yourself a break (and him). It might not be what you want to see (which is probably why he wouldn't send you the video himself by choice) and it's not his finest moment but it's not the end of the world. As others have said, it's pretty standard stag do stuff. I'd be more concerned about what his behaviour is like every day. If you are happy with that then personally I would let it go. It does beg the question why did the other woman show you the video? What was she hoping to achieve?

Was only able to have so many words so to continue...
I understand you're upset with this this macho display but it really doesn't mean anything. It's all been arranged, a stage show. Infidelity would mean a secret encounter, an execution of intent.

Meanwhile do feedback on your hen night...

I don’t think a stag/hen is a free pass to act inappropriately.

Never-mind the embarrassment, how does it make you feel if you ignore that it’s a stag do. Would you be okay with this behaviour?

For me personally, there would be no wedding.

Absolutely! A stripper planned by the stags, he's on the floor, it's all part of the night. Not pleasant to see, but if you have a partner who goes away with the lads then this is going to happen. Same as going away with the girls who have booked a male stripper.

I’m not condoning the behaviour I’m just saying that we don’t know all the facts and we don’t know this couple and that she shouldn’t make any rash decisions as this is about the rest of her life and everyone isn’t perfect, we’re all human. We’re allowed to make mistakes some times. I’m not saying that I agree that blokes are allowed to go out on their stag do with the intention on getting laid as that is wrong, but he didn’t it was an one time incident that went a bit too far. Also we shouldn’t just jump to conclusions and make quick judgments as we haven’t heard his side of the story. You all might hate me for making these comments but it’s the truth. And for the record me and my husband have been happily married for 11 years this September, been together for 16 years, we have two children and have had no fidelity issues in the entirety of our relationship. My husband is the most lovely, caring and kindest man I know, so I resent anyone who assumes otherwise. Also I am my own person and anything I say to anyone is my own mind.

Just because a bloke gets roped into a situation that he doesn’t particularly like or want on a stag do doesn’t make him a bad person, or suggest that he’s gagging to be with strippers. Perhaps he didn’t want to ruin the entire night by flouncing off in a huff because one of his mates had organised something a bit stupid. Admittedly, this went a bit far, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat on his wife by doing this sort of thing again. Most blokes I know actively dislike this kind of thing, but suffer the humiliation for one night and then move on.

I cannot get over the lack of awareness surrounding what sometimes happens on stag dos on this thread. My husband had something similarly embarrassing happen to him. It didn’t go as far as this, and it was thankfully pre smart phones, He was a bit mortified and then we laughed about how ridiculous it was that one of his mates thought it was a good idea. Then we got married 18 years ago and never worried about it again.