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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

744 replies

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

OP posts:
Pumpkin71 · 21/04/2026 19:54

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 20:52

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

IMO, His behaviour is wholly disrespectful. He should have made it clear from the outset what would and would not be tolerated on the night so he wouldn’t find himself in this position.

ClaredeBear · 21/04/2026 19:57

Yes, I’d feel humiliated too. If you stay you’ll be humiliated again.

Didimum · 21/04/2026 19:58

Willyoujust · 21/04/2026 19:33

How old is your husband? Cos mine definitely would have done something like this 20 years ago (in his 20s) but wouldn’t dream of it now! It sounds like immature behaviour that a lot of young men get up to on stag dos.

Do you trust him?

I think some of these replies telling you to leave him are totally over the top to be honest.

But she’s not marrying some imaginary future version of him. She’s marrying the sleazy scum he is now.

Daisyhon · 21/04/2026 19:59

It’s seedy & horrible but this kind of thing is not limited to just the stags . I have been on loads of hen nights & the behaviour of some of the women is unbelievable ( on my own hen night , I had to endure a horrendous “ dance “ from a greased up stripper , ( I had to hide some of the pics from my mother ) . I didn’t want to be a party pooper but I wasn’t a willing participant . Two of the hen party then went home with him & u can guess the rest 🤮 I have worked in nightclubs & some of the women on here telling her to dump him probably need to be a fly on the wall at some stag nights , u might find that your own lovely partner is not a saint that you think he is by any means . I think boundaries at these events are getting pushed further than ever before . One of the worst behaved groups on a stag night when I was working was when the local rugby club guys came in . Used to be a hen or stag night now more often than not it’s a whole weekend .

Doggymummar · 21/04/2026 20:00

CowTown · 21/04/2026 19:39

I want to be you when I grow up. 👏

His parents seriously knew all of the dirty details and said that YOU overreacted?!?!

Show quote history

At first they only had his side of the story saying I had locked him out, then I rang them and filled them in. That when they said I was overreacting. But I saw the film same as OP did.

Winniepoobear · 21/04/2026 20:01

I bet u if it was the other wifes/gfs hubby/bf she wud not be pleased

Wtf did she think she was gaining by sending that!

I wudnt be very pleased if im honest and wud probably had a fit with my hubby to be ... how wud he had felt if it was a guy gyrating on top of you ...

I dont think I wud be able to forget that either .. drunk or not, egged on or not .. he still allowed it to happen ... red flag for me!

SparklyLeader · 21/04/2026 20:02

You have about 7 years, if you're lucky, before he does it again, possibly without his mates next time.

Horses7 · 21/04/2026 20:06

It is really awful but he would have been under massive pressure to go with the flow on his stag do.

A pity it’s not like the ‘olden’ days where is was a night out the Thursday before a Saturday wedding. I saw lots of stag do’s - drinking and dancing, perhaps ending up in the towns fountain before the bus home!! Simple times but no pressure to go abroad to really sleazy venues/resorts.
It’s now become a massive big deal abroad that lasts for days for hens and stags.

Haveanopinion · 21/04/2026 20:08

I voted yanbu as you are entitled to feel however you feel. I would definitely feel the same! Only you can know whether your fiancé is equally mortified by the experience or whether it’s a regular occurrence for him to be involved in something that would make you question your whole relationship. Hopefully it’s the former and you can move forward from this and work towards a long and happy marriage

magiciansgirlonce · 21/04/2026 20:08

I'm the older generation and all I can tell you is years ago we had an agreement that neither of us would go out on our own to something like this ! Afraid I couldn't stay with him.

MaybeToxic · 21/04/2026 20:09

Aquadream · 20/04/2026 22:30

I am seriously weighing up first thing tomorrow, looking at what the financial implications would be of postponing the wedding. I am spitting mad and reading these replies has made me realise I need to make a stand.

How did today go op? 💐

magiciansgirlonce · 21/04/2026 20:10

Where do these girls think they are !

Lunaticmess · 21/04/2026 20:12

It is a stag do. Grooms-to-be tend to get pushed into these awkward if not downright horrible situations with the whole “lads, lads, lads” mentality. This is why what goes on tour should probably stay on tour. It does not mean he’ll be doing this every weekend. Uncomfortable, yes, but you know him well enough to know if he has form for this sort of thing or if he’s been put in a situation he can’t easily get out of.

I am questioning why your friend would share something like this. Her partner clearly didn’t think it was cause for concern if he’s sharing it with her, but what is she hoping to achieve other than upsetting/worrying you?

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2026 20:16

SometimesThingsHappen · 20/04/2026 21:42

Something similar happened to me on my hen do. My friend took us to a place that had male strippers and arranged for a dance for me. He stripped down, made my lie down, put a cloth on my face and lowered himself over my face. I had no choice in the matter, did not know that was going to happen. I was drunk, it was just weird. In no way did I find it sexually arousing just embarrassing. I think everyone was a bit shocked as no-one has mentioned it since.

Just sharing as a counter point to all the shrieks of LTB! I also know that my DH went to a strip club and would have had a lap dance. And he's been to strip clubs other times, for stag dos and very occasionally for nights out. No, I'm not a huge fan, but the reality is it happens and for anyone pretending their precious husband has never and would never go to such a grim place, they probably have they just haven't told you about it. If they've been to a stag do, they've been to a strip club.

Totally agree with all of this. If you genuinely do call off the wedding or postpone it OP your boyfriend’s friend who sent the video to his wife back home has a lot of grovelling to do. Why the fucking hell would you do that? And the wife is a bitch for sending it on.

Is it a bit grim? Yes. Does it reflect on the man your fiancée genuinely is? Absolutely not. I had a bloody butler in the buff for my hen do. Bloody cringeworthy, but I knew my friends meant well so sort of grin and beared it.

Lunaticmess · 21/04/2026 20:17

Can’t help but wonder at all the posters telling you to leave him now. Are any of you that certain that your husbands didn’t do something equally grim on their own stag dos?

Feduptryingusernames · 21/04/2026 20:18

It's not cheating. It was a stag do FFS! Get over it and laugh it off if it's mentioned again.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/04/2026 20:19

Lunaticmess · 21/04/2026 20:17

Can’t help but wonder at all the posters telling you to leave him now. Are any of you that certain that your husbands didn’t do something equally grim on their own stag dos?

My issue is that if she goes ahead with the wedding, it’s pointless if she can’t reconcile what happened. Nobody wants to live with something like this being thrown at them every time they have a row.

sleeppleasesoon · 21/04/2026 20:20

It’s not ideal OP but it’s not the end of the world either in my opinion.

I can see how this sort of thing happens on a stag do (ie group think and peer pressure)

TheseWordsAreMine · 21/04/2026 20:22

He could have drawn a line.

It is HIS stag event.

He didn't. You've seen enough. You can do better. Shame it came out late. You were shown for a reason.

Wheresthebeach · 21/04/2026 20:23

Well that’s grim. I would be concerned that this isn’t a one off at all. Would give me the ick.

Moveoverdarlin · 21/04/2026 20:26

Lunaticmess · 21/04/2026 20:12

It is a stag do. Grooms-to-be tend to get pushed into these awkward if not downright horrible situations with the whole “lads, lads, lads” mentality. This is why what goes on tour should probably stay on tour. It does not mean he’ll be doing this every weekend. Uncomfortable, yes, but you know him well enough to know if he has form for this sort of thing or if he’s been put in a situation he can’t easily get out of.

I am questioning why your friend would share something like this. Her partner clearly didn’t think it was cause for concern if he’s sharing it with her, but what is she hoping to achieve other than upsetting/worrying you?

Exactly this. The person at fault here is the mate that sent the video. I’ve been on some hen dos before that were wild. But on Monday morning the very respectable hen went back to work as teachers and lawyers and nurses and have never licked squirty cream off a stripper’s nipple since.

You can’t judge a person from the behaviour on their stag or hen do. Is it all a bit tacky and old fashioned? Yeah course it is, you can spot Brits on a stag or hen a mile off. But… If this kind of thing really isn’t your bag then don’t go on a foreign stag with 20 blokes. Some blokes go mountaineering in the mendips or kayaking with Nigel and Geoff in the Lake District, followed by a pint of bitter in the Rose and Crown.

The problem here is the video - what they did (the mate and his wife) was beyond fucking cruel and shit stirry)

agentmarmalade · 21/04/2026 20:29

Personally I would feel sick if I saw my partner involved in that. I wouldn't even hide my feelings. It would probably affect how I saw him.

Justbreathagain · 21/04/2026 20:33

Doggymummar · 21/04/2026 19:29

My first fiance came back from his stag in Amsterdam with his penis covered in lipstick and I lov you written on his chest in red lipstick. He didn't make it back into the house ever. His parents said I was overreacting but I don't think I was. He said the same. peer pressur bollicks to that

Omg

Tableforjoan · 21/04/2026 20:34

Lunaticmess · 21/04/2026 20:17

Can’t help but wonder at all the posters telling you to leave him now. Are any of you that certain that your husbands didn’t do something equally grim on their own stag dos?

I mean if you can get strippers at paintballing then fair dos to those strippers 😅 home by 8pm.

Same for the bowling stag he attended and the go karting. 9pm latest. Maybe the 10:30pm curry house where he then spent all night throwing up in the bathroom.

Maybe he has visited strippers during the day who knows. But as you say I don’t know. That’s the difference though I can’t be mad at something that didn’t happen or I haven’t found out about yet. This op knows what his friends and he like now.

Reasonstobelieve · 21/04/2026 20:36

Omg,
YES & I can be a prude 😂