To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

If he was forced into it by friends then that makes them as grim as him for doing it. And the smug wife who shared that with you likely has a husband doing just the same.

Is best man married? Make sure you tell his wife or partner that he paid for this

he is just as guilty as your dopey groom

It may be common but it’s not ok and women / YOU need to stop making the boys will be boys excuses for this unacceptable behaviour

First, what is wrong with you to think that a remote stag do is anything other than a future divorce? Seriously! What is up with Brits that think this is not only not allowed, but consequence free?

Second, of course you shouldn't feel embarrassed. This isn't about you in the slightest. He did EXACTLY what you think he did in the video. Don't be naive.

Demand honesty from him. If he tells you what you already know, then you have decisions to make. If he lies to you, then you have different decisions to make.

Stop protecting your honour and deal with this like an adult. He did the dirty with a stripper and you gave him the kitchen pass to do it.

Being drunk is not an excuse for him to act like that. I wonder what else he gets up to when it's not being recorded. 🤮 For me I would see this as cheating.

There would not be a wedding.

Of course he had a choice. That’s ridiculous. And you’re not BU.

I certainly wouldn’t have expected another woman’s vulva lips rubbing on my DH’s face…no.

When I was marrying my ex, his sister arranged my hen do. I didn't really know her that well and she also invited some of her friends along with mine. She insisted we'd have a great time, meeting up for drinks and food then going to a club she knew well but I'd never been to. I, stupidly, trusted her. When we got there it was like a normal club, dancing, music etc then suddenly this MC type of guy appeared on stage and called out the names of "hens" that had been given to him, mine being one of them. My friends were horrified for me and I absolutely refused to get up on the stage but his sister and her mates all turned really nasty on me, eventually storming off in a huff, saying I was a spoilsport and I'd ruined the night. I thanked God I'd refused when I saw what they did to the other hens, which was a similar experience to your fiance but it was with a male stripper and I'd actually liken it to sexual assault. If I'd been drunker or not been able to stand up for myself against his sister and her mates, then I might easily have been forced into going up on stage and having god knows what done to me. Unless your fiance has form for cheating etc and if he's normally a decent guy and you are otherwise happy together, then I'd think carefully before cancelling the wedding. Maybe, like me, he was put in a situation he found it hard to get out of? As for the person who sent you the photos/video, what was she hoping to achieve from upsetting you?

I would agree with this. If he's a decent person then I wouldn't get caught up in this one incident. If he was loving it and it was a pattern then it would be different.

My DH had a stripper at his stag nearly 20 years ago. They hired a house in the middle of nowhere so I thought it would be impossible to get a stripper! DH came home absolutely mortified and told me about it. I didn't even consider breaking up, I could see he didn't want it and was horrified by the whole thing, thank god there weren't camera phones then! I was totally unsurprised this friend had organised a stripper, we don't see them now. It wasn't a reflection on my DH, we've had no further repeats of this kind of behaviour.

Maybe different times back then but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if your partner doesn't have previous form for this kind of thing.

I haven't read all the replies, but most seem to have the knives out for your man. I'd like to offer an alternative view. I'm not suggesting that it was good, but there is pressure on all men to go a bit mad and out of character on stag weekends. I've known very decent men organise stripograms and the like which they would be mortified about in any other circumstance. It's one chance to do it. And most say never again! Its generally pretty harmless, and what goes on on tour should stay on tour. Sending videos home and then sharing those with you was a big mistake and very mean. If he feels a bit awkward and embarassed and you know that it's not his normal behaviour, don't worry too much about it. Crikey, I've done stuff on girls holidays in my youth which I wouldn't necessarily share with my husband now!!

Exactly.

Age of stag and friends would be a helpful guideline. For a certain age group, this would be a normal stag albeit would probably be in an actual strip club. For another age group i.e. a lot younger then it would be abnormal, hence the responses from women of that age group. No matter which age range, it is fairly typical that the stag actually has very little say in what happens and is plied with drink. This is what you need to remember. Your so-called friend is not actually a friend and is stirring the pot. For those saying get out now that is an over reaction and totally baseless. I would be very wary of sharing any information going forward with the so-called friend who sent you the video. He did not choose the venue, his friends did. At least they did not leave him which has happened to many grooms in the past. Move on and enjoy your wedding.

And that’s the problem of modern technology. Years ago that would have happened- drunk stag and maybe quite humiliating but it would just have stayed between those that were there. If he’s an otherwise good partner put it behind you and look forward to your wedding.

I think things like that should’ve been discussed before he left. What one person finds ok another will not.

My only advice in relation to marriage is that the signing of a piece of paper will not change who your fiancé is.

If you can live with him behaving like that again at other stag parties or on nights out after you are married, then go through with the wedding.

If the thought of anything like this happening again makes you feel sick to the stomach, then don’t go through with the wedding.

People don’t change… and if you let this go, you are setting the bar for what is acceptable in the future.

The fact that he hasn’t taken responsibility or apologised for his behaviour, instead he has deferred responsibility for his behaviour to his friends and blamed it on alcohol shows that he is not remorseful.

However he behaved, he did it as your partner, it’s not like he was single at the time!

I’d be asking the “best man’ whether his wife to be would have found it acceptable if it had been the other way around. He clearly doesn’t have any respect for his friends wife to be(namely you). Why would your husband to be want a friend who has absolutely no respect or regard for their intended. Also did the wife of another stag goer say if her husband went along with it or did he send her the video as it didn’t sit well with him?

Nah . I would never feel at peace
i I wouldn’t marry him

move on

Yeah I’m with you. It’s grim for sure but sounds completely out of character and it’s sounds like he was very drunk and being put into these situations by his mates. The fact he actually didn’t touch even though he was drunk sounds like he was trying to do the right thing even in that state.

honestly I used to go to university with people who got so drunk at clubs they completely blacked out the night before and had to be filled into what they got up to.

i’d be angry that his mates weren’t looking after him rather than my partner.

You are not being unreasonable. I would feel humiliated. How old is he that he can't say no, he did have a choice and his choice was to go along with it, being complacent is a choice and being drunk is not an excuse. You know your own limitations and if you make poor choices when you're drunk, you don't allow yourself to get that far.
Some have said your friend is stirring, I completely disagree with this, if she didn't show you, she'd have been hiding it from you, and would therefore be keeping it a secret, and as you say others will have seen the video, you would likely find out from someone else, she had your back.
This is a hard boundary for me, I expect my husband to respect that.

this is going to be tough to hear but rather than be the woman who marrys him it looks like your going to be the person who has to teach him a life lesson (walk away). hopefully this helps him to learn and not make this mistake for the next woman. it's not just sleazy its embarrassing. he's like a teenage boy who hasn't had any life experience or real relationships experience and doesn't understand how to behave appropriately. imagine if this man was a daughter's father... (ew) or even worse.. a role model for a son. It's unfair that you will loose this idea of what you wanted and thought you would have but it's all on him I'm afraid and you can't be accountable for someone else's actions.

Like "i wouldnt be happy if you allowed another woman to waft her barely covered labia on or near your face, just thought i should make that explicitly clear" type thing?

1. the kids are 6…not 6 months
2. is anyone doesn’t want to drop & go then they can turn down the invite …poster can invite someone more deserving
3. expecting to bring an uninvited sibling is just plain not on!

“Darling, you can motorboat another woman’s breasts, but I absolutely draw the line with labia grazing across your face.”

You got the wrong post