To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

It shouldn’t ‘trump everything’ but look at it from your parents perspective:

Sister is hard working and independent. Has a good job and found herself single but just gets on with life and doesn’t complain.

You don’t have a job and haven’t established yourself in a career with options before having children. You’ve got a husband who makes enough money for you to live on. One of your kids is in preschool so you get to spend quality time with your toddler. Yet you’re constantly complaining about having to look after the children that you deliberately chose to have.

Yes yabu. I am sick and tired of people on here saying their situation is more difficult than some single parents because they have “no family support” but they have a supportive hands on husband who also brings in an income! 2 kids under 4 is not unique, I had the same, a 3 year age gap is bang on average and very common. Being a single parent is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. My mum helps me a couple of days a week with after school pick ups but I can assure you it does not compare with having a partner who is at the other end of the phone, brings in an income, knows you and the children inside and out… you can have “free time” whenever you want when your husband is around, some single parents might have some time to themselves but it is strictly rigid and inflexible. I am very rarely able to attend social things because they are never arranged for when I actually have the free time. As for work, I have a decent job but that’s because I never left it after having babies and worked my way up since my ds1 was born. So your husband finds it hard looking after 2 kids on his own now and again, I look after my 2 kids single handedly 80% of the time. The reason he struggles so much is probably because he doesn’t do it enough. You have choices, if you want some time to yourself then start looking for babysitters if you want evening help, or ask your parents, or enrol both of your kids in nursery. 14 months is perfectly normal age to be at nursery. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but the reason you’re getting harsh replies is because you sound completely out of touch. The way you’re actually envious of your sister working in the evenings… it’s bloody hard juggling kids, a job and a house single handedly.If you want to go back to work then go back to work. No you won’t walk into a senior job, you have to start somewhere and work upwards.

No I think she is focussing her disappointment at her parents for being so ignorant in their understanding

@Unher10
This thread is sadly typical of how unsupportive Mumsnet has become.

You and your sister have different challenges and that is how it is. You both made different choices, totally normal.

As a parent of adult children I think your parents are being unfair. They have one daughter who is doing ok/well and one daughter who needs a little support at the moment. I cannot understand why they won't support you.
Their reasoning seems a little off.
I have 2 'children' in their 20s. One needs a lot of support, the other doesn't but I still offer it.

Maybe try talking to you parents without mentioning the differences. Ask for help with specific things rather than just asking for support.
e.g.Please can you have the children on XXX? I've been invited out and would love to go.

She works, you know that she doesn’t just sit around right?

I remember really struggling after my second. She was in nursery at 1 year old. I was back in work and struggling trying to meet the needs of a demanding job and not feel like I was failing my kids. A friend who is a SAHM, said how easy it was for me and how lucky I was. It really hurt.

It shouldnt be a race to the bottom of who has it worse. I acknowledge being a SAHM is also difficult. Look at ways to improve your lot. Get the youngest in nursery 1 afternoon a week maybe for some free time, go back to work if you want to, there are loads of baby groups etc that might be good to form a friendship group for support. Just some thoughts!

No but will never have that if you don’t go back to work.

The problem is definitely not her sister! Her sister is getting more breaks, that's all.

I didn't say anything about SAHM in general. I said that OP seems to be permanently on call which is very tiring.

The OP isn't complaining about her sister's life being better/easier than hers. She is complaining about her parents thinking she has it easy and her sister doesn't. And yeah I think as a parent you should look at the reality of each of your children's lives and not just think reflexively "single parent! Must be awful so we will help her and not her sister"

Lol can't believe how bitchy and snide some of these comments are. Is it really necessary?

I think it isn't really about your sister.
You are in the trenches with your children being the ages they are, I was at home when mine were that age and it is HARD as you don't feel like you ever have a break as you are always with them (as much as you love them). I had planned to stay off of work until my eldest went to school but ended up finding a job 6 months early as I just felt I needed to for my sanity! Hang on in there, you are doing a great job, you can love being a mum but find if very hard at the same time.
I remember my MIL saying she felt sorry for me that I had to go back to work, I told her not to, I was much happier!

Well you have 2 kids, and you have them all the time.
I don't understand what that has to do with your sister's vulnerability as a single mum?
Also, how come you.arent more upset with your partner?
Life will get easier for you in about 3 years anyway.
Life is always hard when kids are small, you do need breaks.

The irony.

To those that are upset that the op isn’t getting more sympathy; it isn’t her situation that is resulting in the lack, more the fact that she’s blaming her sister and parents for it. If she started a post ‘I hate being a sahm, but unfortunately don’t have a career that would result in more money than the childcare would cost, (my bad, silly decisions when younger) and my husband is so useless he can’t look after our children, plus he’s chosen a job completely incompatible with family life’ then she would have garnered more sympathy. Overriding message would have been the same - get a job, get husband to change jobs and step up.

Yes, I think that's the problem. She's so jealous of her sister's perceived good fortune, she's not looking closer to home.

As other posters have mentioned, I think DH is a big problem here. A fully grown adult should be able to look after his own children for a few hours. OP needs to direct her ire at DH.

Haven’t RTFT but it does remind me of a recent thread about how MN is unsupportive towards OPs posting about how difficult it is to parent multiple young children.

This thread proves why there is little sympathy in these scenarios: the OP almost never takes any responsibility for their choices.

@Unher10you say things are much harder with two children - so why did you add a second child into the mix?! Do you not accept that “2 under 4” is a choice? That being a full time parent and not putting one of both children into nursery for some of the time is a choice? Perhaps the reason your parents are not forthcoming with sympathy is because they recognise that your struggles are entirely self-inflicted. However with single parents like your sister, the breakdown of a relationship and a father walking out on a child, are usually not in one’s control.

Completely agree with this. The sister has got nothing to do with OP’s problems.

@Unher10 this is ludicrous 🤣
I have been a single parent to 2 children for 5 years (they were 18 months and 6 at the time of the split) and I am now in a relationship with a lovely man who helps with the children and around the house when hes here. My life is infinitely easier when hes here, he helps out with clubs, school runs, homework, plays with them, cooks, etc....

Two hands are always better than one as they say.....

Sounds like you aren't getting what you need from your husband. If you were, you wouldn't be jealous of a single parent!!!

You could have a break if your husband looked after the kids. She has a break when her child’s father looks after hers.
It is harder being a single parent because the pressure is all on you, no one has got your back.

we never get absolutely the same deal as our blood relatives when we grow up
I am abroad, my parents transferred everything to my brother, raised his kids and he deals with their ageing issues. He has more houses and money than me, even though the country is deemed poor.

I fucked off abroad, married a decent man, but we are not rich and live in a mouldy flat. I am raising my child without a village and the grand parents here never helped with anything but fair enough, give us cash sometimes.

Life is not fair

I think this is the crux of it

You’ve got a husband that presumably loves you and the kids. Your children are growing up in a stable home. Your sister doesn’t have this.

She’s doing her best - it’s not her fault she’s got skills you haven’t.

Either continue to be a SAHM, or go out, find a job, and work your way up. 🤷‍♀️

Your parents are irrelevant here - they have no obligation towards either of you.

Or just count your blessings.

Your a stay at home mum. As a widow for 8 years within those 8 years I have not had a day off from my children and I work full time. It’s not just the physical things of being a solo/ single parent it’s the mental load. I have no one to share that with so my brain is constantly thinking about those kids. You can alleviate that because you have a husband that comes home . Maybe he’s no good but even being able to air things would be a great relief to any solo/ single parent.

Being a SAHM can be utterly relentless, especially if your DH has an all consuming job, and is effectively absent from doing any childcare at all.

Can you ask your DP to stop making comparisons with your DSis, and explain that you both need support. Explain it’s making you (probably unfairly) resentful of your DSis.

Are your in-laws able to help at all to give you the odd afternoon off? Would your finances stretch to you join a gym with a crèche so that you can have the odd hour to yourself?