To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

She works and is single. You don’t work and have a partner - I don’t think your life is that bad surely, and one child is in preschool. Your sisters needs childcare as she works, you don’t.

No one in my friendship group can afford to be a SAHM.

The fact that the OP is getting replies telling her she should be grateful despite the fact she's struggling kind of prove her point. Stay at home mothers have had these exact issues for a long, long time - including the whole of society dismissing them - hence an entire movement designed around it to address it. The OP could make changes but what's Mumsnet for if not some kind of starting point for advice?

OP said that it’s hard for her husband to look after the dc now there are two of them, rather than the reason being the hours he works.

Either way, the DH needs to step
up and give his wife a break. He would if he actually wanted to.

Agree. This has been one of the most unkind threads I have seen in ages.

They probably think she needs more help because you are living the life you have chosen where as she isn’t. Im presuming she never intended to be a single mom but that’s where she is. You however, chose to have a second child with your husband, presumably as you could cope with the first. So they probably don’t see you as needing help as you’re exactly where you have chosen to be in life. Just talk to them.

I think some people are being incredibly harsh, but of course MN hate SAHM, especially if they dare to complain. Your sister works hard for a wage but it's also a job looking after young children. Why isn't OP entitled to some help just because she's a SAHM?
And all the people saying go back to work because serious for a minute. She can't just get a senior job with flexibility, it's not that simple which you all know.. Also if her husband works long hours she'll be even more stressed as drop off/ pick up and sick days will probably all be down to her.
Unfortunately your parents have the mentality of most people on here. that SAHMs are just not worthy of help, support or sympathy. I get it, it's hard when you have young children but you can't make people see that or make your parents want to help, it's very unfair though.

You’ve posted this before. Almost verbatim. Are you expecting a different response?

YANBU op. DH and I never get a break with no support except from each other. I have single parent friends who have much more free time and money.

Some single parents have a lot of family support, more money, and their DC only half the time giving them a lot of freedom. It's not that simple that they automatically have it worse.

They also have a unique set of worries I imagine.

Well, you do what your sister has done.. and work your way up.

Your sister works into the evenings in a senior role. That’s not easy. You wouldn’t know that, as you don’t do it.

Your parents clearly see that your sister
doesn’t have the option of not working…

Rather than focus on that, focus on how you can help yourself. If you’re struggling, you’ve got options… job, nursery…have a think about what would help you and work with your husband to put it in place.

I'm a single mum and have been since my DD was born. I also have a senior role and a good income, and can work from home when I want to. I don't have a support network though, but her dad is very good when I need help (chronic illness girlie here too)

I see it from both sides. I know I am very, very lucky to have time to myself, and can call on people when I need to, but I think you're being a bit unfair. I would love someone to share the mental load with, someone to decide what we have for dinner tonight, or to nip to the shop for a loaf of bread without having to take my DD, sort out who provides the broadband when the contract is up....I do it all. So while yes, I understand your frustrations, you have someone to share it with. The days when I am too ill to get out of bed and have to call on the school mums to help get my DD to school, it would be so nice to have someone here to do that.

I think if the OP had said her struggles she would have got more sympathy than how she has framed it as a competition with her sister who just seems to be working as hard as she can and doing the best with the hand she’s been dealt

And was she just handed that role out of thin air? Of course not. So why don’t you work your way up like she has and then you can behave the way she does?

Stop trying to pull your sister down because you don’t like how your parents behave. That is not your sister’s concern. Maybe she just has more get up and go and your parents respond to that?

That's not really how it works for a lot of us single mums - my ex has the kids once or twice a month for a Saturday.

On that Saturday I'd try to squeeze in all the things that are easier to get done without kids in tow (luckily now they're older so I can just go do them) - so invariably it would be doing a decent clean of the kitchen, or painting the bathroom, or replacing a tap etc.

To put it in perspective, my morning commute and spending 1/2 an hour on a nice day mowing the lawn were things I looked forward to, as time where I was forced to just put some music on and be alone with my thoughts. At no other time was that possible.

OP needs to make a change, it's clear. Or she can be resentful of those around her and keep making comparisons - but nothing will change if she does that.

To be fair, OP has said her sister's child is only 2 so she likely worked her way up to this role pre-child. It would be much more difficult for OP to do this with 2 young children to manage now now.

Well yes, but then the blame lies with the husband doesn’t it, not the parents.

Rage bait. You had the same reaction on the last post, I wonder why you’d post again

She does often work into the evenings when I call her but I would do anything to have that choice about my days and my time

She's not working in the evenings for fun.. she's working in the evenings because she has to get stuff done for her role, and had no chance to do it in the day. The flip-side of flexibility is that you are alway on something - whether that's something for the house/kids or something for the job, because your life is one long todo list of competing priorities and you just have to do the best you can for each of them.

OP, you're looking at your sister's life only in terms of practicality. Your parents probably feel sorry for her, despite her good circs, because of the sheer sadness of bringing up a child without getting to enjoy it with the person you made the child with. All the times she's with her kid and they do/say something cute/funny/amazing, the other parent is not there to share it with. No one to meet eyes with in a silent look that says "Can you believe we made him/her?" No one to talk about it with when you go to bed that night. It must be lonely as hell to experience the joys of parenting alone, and for most, it's a very, very long way from how they imagined things when they were pregnant. Nothing, no amount of money or support from grandparents can make up for the loss of the family unit that you thought you would have. I know your sis has money and support and control of her work hours, but I honestly think you are ten million times luckier than her.

Your DH needs to step up and give you a proper break.

Definitely consider going back to work sooner rather than later too though, it'll be good for your MH AND you can start the climb too, if that's what you want.

I was a single parent and believe you me it was bloody hard and impacted on every area in my life, ex managed to get away without paying any child support, and I had to slog my guts out to keep a rood over mine and my child's head. Of course we are all different and have many things going on in our lives that impact on how things work out. However I have always worked, I had to so that we could surive and I also worked because I wanted my child to have a sound work ethic. It sounds like your sister works hard and good luck to her

I don’t think most people are saying she should be grateful, I think it’s more she’s directing her ire at the wrong people.

Her parents don’t actually help the sister out much either.

I am a single Mum! I’m not convinced you meant to reply to me here.

@LittleSpeckleFrog My point is that she is directing her ire in the wrong place.

If the OP is struggling, better that she focuses on solutions for that.

Why did you choose to have two children so close together?
You've got to take responsibility for where you are now. Seriously. You're adults, your parents shouldn't have to parent you.

in this particular case, considering that OP decided to be a SAHM it certainly was a choice NOT to have a senior job with large salary. Of course no guarantees she would have gotten one anyway, but she certainly won't get one by not working at all.