To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

This! She is where she in spite of being a single parent, not because of. Shes worked hard for where she is, and youve not made those choices and are being pissy that you dont have the same lifestyle?

Sounds like you aren't getting what you need from your husband. If you were, you wouldn't be jealous of a single parent!!!

She's getting her housing, all bills, food etc paid for her and kids and not having worries about where the money will come from. This is what she's getting from her husband. Not having to mad rush in the morning to drop kids to nursery and school and commute to work, with stress of being late, then slog for whatever hours, commute back, pick up kids, get dinner, bed time. Then shopping, cleaning and laundry on weekends. Rinse and repeat.
She really needs to get a job. And then come back and say how she's coping.

I don't understand the 'but you chose this life..' answers. Didn't we all choose our lives? With the exception of illness, we all in some way chose the path we take but that doesn't mean the path goes in the way we planned. Or that we aren't allowed have moments of regrets. Or times when it's overwhelming and our MH suffers. Maybe OPs sister is a single Mum because her choices didn't work out the way she hoped. But isn't it the same for the OP? Maybe she thought her DH would step up more. Maybe she thought her parents would be more supportive, maybe she thought she would find it easier. Surely a person is allowed some sympathy when things are hard regardless of how those circumstances came about. The irony is MN is full of threads almost everyday about working mothers struggling with it all and not once have I heard a poster reply 'well you chose this life. Why can't you be a SAHM'. No. Those threads are usually really supportive of the OP reassuring her that it will get better and giving helpful advice. It just confirms that there very biased people here.

So why are you not working your way up the corporate ladder to a senior role with flexibility?

You are where your choices have put you - you are the only one who can change where you are going

I think OP you are disregarding the huge mental load your sister has of being a single parent (and it sounds like she is doing the lion's share of parenting), running a household solo as well as all the stress of working full time (in which you said she is also doing work in the evenings). Everything is on her and that is tough and that is why your parents want to support her. Being a SAHM is tough too but you have a partner to share decisions with, to lean on, to support you. Once both your kids are in preschool/school unless you go back to work then you will have lots of free time. I'm married with 2 kids and work as a primary school teacher. I found maternity really tough so I get it. It's hard being at home but it's much more stressful having all the responsibility of parenting and being a home owner solo.

OP could have done the same, not sister's fault OP made different choices.

I get that no it shouldn't trump everything and isn't always worse than someone else but since becoming a parent (with a very 'present' husband) I've realised just how hard single parents must work, whether they're in employment or not.

My mum for example was a single parent and my grandparents willingly had us every weekend until we were teens but apart from that she was literally on her own, working around school hours without a partner to talk to or share the load.

My kids don't have any living grandparents and we don't live near any friends or family so it's literally just us but my husband gets home from work and has the kids til bedtime, we swap lie ins on a weekend and that's something you just don't get as a single parent.

But it doesn't mean you should be 'shut up' when moaning just because someone else has it harder.

Yikes. I think the issue you have is jealousy against your sister, no single parents. Have you often felt second best to her?

its great your parents are around to help you both.

statistically you have far more support structure around you with a husband on call,
doing the nights with you as well as all of his family around and possibly second set of grandparents, all this hasn’t been tarred with toxic ex, gossip and families taking sides, which is probably what’s happened for your sister.

it’s does sound like you should get a flexible job, stick your kids in kids club too so you can get a break.

we all make choices in life!

I think many people are missing that according to OP, the parents don't actually help the sister significantly. Dhe says in the OP that sister rarely asks. So it's not the situation that parents are exhausted because they do everything for the sister and prefer to help the sister instead of OP. Parents don't help either of the kids, which is their choice.
OP resents that parents believe OP should be more capable.

you're right! I meant the person you quoted saying that when the children are with their dad, the single mum gets 'a break' Sorry about that

I actually differentiate between co-parents and single parents. To me a single parent is someone doing it 80% plus entirely on their own, whether the other parent has died or gone awol. If your kids still see the other parent and they contribute financially then you’re a co-parent. Being a truly single parent I imagine is far far harder.

Because she can choose to make a change here - that's the point - she chose to be a SAHM, she can choose to put the children in nursery and take a job, or take a weekend job when her husband is home (although that would mean no family life, so I probably wouldn't make that choice myself)

Im a single mum myself and its hard! You have a husband who earns enough that you dont have to work (a huge luxury in itself), and who can share the emotional load too. Guaranteed your sister is feeling the pressure but good on her for getting on with things/working so hard to give her kids a better life. You should step up if you are so jealous.

I know a single mum in her late 30’s with 2 school age kids and her parents pay for pretty much everything! Rent, car, nursery fees ( when she had them ) and they have the kids 3 times a week too. But that’s not the norm for most single parents though is it?

How do you know the Dsis didn't choose to leave her DH and be a single mum?

💯
As if the sister just had a great job fall in her lap 🙄

I guess you could always divorce? Then you would be on a similar footing to your sister and your parents might step up. 😂

Most people would call that being a lone parent.

@Loub1987 It shouldnt be a race to the bottom of who has it worse.

No, it shouldn't, especially when some of us really have it tough. Me, I had to balance my baby on my left hip while working down a coal mine, hewing rock out of the wall with one hand while singing "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round". 🤣

I don't - but magicing up a partner isn't quite the same thing as taking on some shifts at Asda.

Sorry @Unher10 but I think you are being massively unreasonable and also a bit childish.

I would put money on the fact the envy (not a pretty thing btw) you feel towards her is reciprocated because you have a husband and get to stay home all the time with your kids where she has to work and put her kid in childcare.

Ultimately you made your life choices, and she made hers. You need to love with them.

Perhaps instead of comparing you should be proud of her for being able to work up to a senior role, provide for her family without benefits. It is alot a given for single parents.

My sister used to do this. Hugely discontented with her life and choices and somehow it wasn’t ‘fair’ that my life was significantly different 🙄

I barely see her now. Her sense of entitlement is staggering. If someone else has something she thinks she should be able to have it too. Nevermind she’s a work shy lazy mare with appalling taste in men.

😂

Fair, you win!

You’d do anything? So divorce your husband and get a job and put the kids in nursery - sorted :)

All these posts miss the point.

yes, SAHPs are worthy of a break.

But you first look to the other parent for the breaks, not your own parents.