To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

But you do have that choice and you have decided to not work and stay at home.

Are you saying that your DH refuses to look after both of his children at the same time?

Reading between the lines, I wonder if the real issue is that your DH is crap?

I'm in a similar situation to you and, whilst it can be tough, it's laughable to suggest that being a SAHM by choice and with a partner to share the burden is harder than being a single parent who works 4 days a week. The only possible scenario I can imagine that's making you think that you've got it harder is that your husband doesn't pull his weight at all.

Remember, you're choosing to be a SAHM. If you're not enjoying it, go back to work. No, you won't be able to walk straight into a senior position like your sister. But you shouldn't need that level of flexibility anyway.

You and your husband can sort housework and food shopping etc. between you outside of working hours. You can also tell him that you're joining a gym (or whatever) and that you expect him to watch his children during this time, and offer to do the same in return.

If he refuses you have the option of leaving him and being a single mum like your sister.

I wonder what your parents think of your husband, and if that factors into their resistance.

You say your sister often works into the evenings, and rarely asks for help; so she does carry a lot, and she's not exactly constantly supported...

I wonder if your parents are thinking:

1. You're at home everyday, so should have more/better control over your time. Are they very capable people who didn't 'struggle as much raising children', so don'tunderstandwhy you're struggling with one at home and one at preschool?

1. It's easier to help with one child than 2.

1. Like your sister's ex, who presumably also has a job, your husband could help more with the children at weekends; allowing you some time to relax.

I didn't vote that you either were or weren't being unreasonable, because I think it's a bit of both.

You only have two kids. You're a stay at home parent. You are married with a supportive husband, and you're not living in poverty. You have it better than many many people. On the other hand, being with two young children day in and day out is relentless and you're not unreasonable in wanting a break now and again.

I also recognize your frustration about everyone feeling like single parents always have it worse, but for another reason. When my kids were very young I was widowed. I had friends who were divorced and would complain about how hard it was to be a single parent, yet they got every other weekend or more to themselves when they could sleep late, go out, and generally just have time to themselves. This was a luxury I couldn't even dream of because I had to parent 24/7/365.

Unfortunately your original @Unher10 post makes it sound like you are bitter or resentful about how your sister does cope, or perhaps how she has arranged her life, and that your parents are always happy to help, even though your sister doesn't appear to want any help.

We all know that parenting sucks at times. Rather than focusing on your sister, what can you do to make your own life easier at the moment?

Is there something specific that your parents could do to help you?

Have you asked them?

Have they said no?

If your parents can't or won't help, what could you put in place to get some respite?

Is your DH helpful?

Are neither or your DC at nursery yet?

There is no point comparing yourself to your sister. Your lives sound completely different. You need to focus on your own life and making what you have got work as well as it can for you, your DC and your DH.

Why don’t you swap with your sister for a weekend and see how easy it is?

in your perception of her I mean

This. With bells on.

You are not being totally unreasonable.
When I had my first ds I was pregnant at the same time as a colleague who ended up as a single parent. However she lived with her parents, who helped with childcare and the dad was involved. Management compared us when I requested flexibility as my dh worked away 3 days a week and my mum couldn't continue helping with childcare as my dad had cancer. Being a single parent doesn't automatically make everything harder. Your parents should be sympathetic to you.

I can only assume OP you have tapped into some wellspring of women who bitterly envy you your husband.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

It would be an absolute idiot, possibly masochist, who would envy this relationship. The poor OP is on her knees, parenting 24/7 without a break. These are not the unsupportive husbands single women aspire to 😂😂.

I'm more like your sister - I'm a single parent in a senior position which I took with the understanding that I would need to work around my children. Although my kid's father has much less involvement than your sister's.

With the best will in the world, this is what you chose - it was predictable that if you were a SAHM with a husband doing long hours, then it would be a slog - perhaps you didn't realise that?

Your sister decided to keep working, to put her child in nursery 4 days so she could do that, she's been lucky enough to have a social life (presumably supported by baby sitters - which you could do to TBH)

Comparing your life to hers will leave you unsatisfied - you are looking at her and wishing you'd chose differently, rather than valuing the time you get with your children that she doesn't because she's working. If what you want is to put your kids in nursery and get back to work, then you need to start looking for something now - the sooner you start, the sooner you get senior enough for flexibility.

Re-read opening post - husband works long hours.
He needs some time to recharge as well.
OP can do this when baby sleeps.

Or get a job and put baby in nursery if she's so jealous of her sister.

I felt overwhelmed as a stay at home mum - we have twins but it was more than that. Later disagnosed as adhd - problems with exec function

I had three kids - much later diagnosed ADHD - and a DH working away so no breaks and ocuople of house moves but DP still instead I had it good compared to DSis.

My DP never changed their view. Now sister's youngest may have ADHD - and apparently despite me having actually diagnosed kids - who also had some SEN conditons - I have no idea how hard it is .

Nothing I did or say changed anything - best thing to do is not engage and refuse to give it headspace.

As PP have said have a look how you are running things in your house and see if any tweaks might make it easier and focus on your family. Now ours are nearly grown and I don't regret the time spent with them and we are close - they aren't with my family and honestly with distance I can see that's a really good thing in the end.

I don't believe that other pp think the OP has it "easy" - rather that she could change the situation by making other choices. She doesn't seem to want to - she wants her parents to do some regular childcare so she can have time off from her SAHM role.

I don't underastand why someone would choose to be a SAHM and then complain about being a SAHM.

See her updates - the older child is.

Well if it's pity people are feeling why the condescension and unkindness?

I can't think of any other situation in which genuine pity would incite such nasty responses as she is getting.

She is, as you say, worn out. Parenting can be tough. It need not be a competition as who has it tougher; she'd just like a little of the support from extended family too.

But even your string of laughing emojis has an unconstrained feel of bitterness to it.

You’re directing all your ire in the wrong place.

your sister has done fabulously well, she’s worked through the ranks to establish a career, chose a decent enough bloke to have a child with, and is maintaining her career whilst having a toddler. Well done her. She is doing nothing wrong.

your parents are also doing nothing wrong, they don’t need to help either of you, and of the two situations I would offer my help first to her too.

your ire should be directed where the fault lies. All of your own unhappiness atm is a direct result of some decisions you’ve made - you chose not to establish a career before having kids, you chose to have two, you chose to have children with a man who can’t look after his own children, you chose to be a sahm. All of these choices were yours, and you can turn around some of them.

what would make you happier is what you need to look at.
a job?
husband changing job?
husband able to look after his own children occasionally?
divorce?

my point is, decide which bit of your life you can change that is making you unhappy and do that.

nothing to do with your parents or your sister.

Definitely not. Choices are at least partly chance, they say. But some single mums still live with their parents/some have loads of support, while some don't.
Some married women have no support at all, especially if their husband works away, and this wasn't necessarily a choice they made, say if a difficult job market forced him to take this role, and in my area at least, some of the childcare is targeted towards certain groups, so it's not always easy for a mum in this situation to work.
If my kids were in your situation when they grow up, OP, I would split babysitting. It's just as important you and your husband get a break to be a couple, and if her ex has them at weekends, she gets a break then.
I am not in any way blaming her, if her ex walked out in his family, but at least if he looks after them the odd time, she gets a break-and people need that.

Does your husband work 7 days a week?
You sound weirdly jealous that your sisters relationship ended... a bit of perspective isn't much to ask for OP.

Not an ounce of bitterness.

I just think your idea of people being jealous is ridiculous! There's nothing to be jealous of here, so I'm laughing at your statement, not the OP.

It would be interesting to understand how things were framed earlier on. This post reminds me of one of my sisters who married into a wealthy family several years ago, whereas I married someone who earns a decent salary but less than mine. My sister used to lord it over us that she didn't have to work, and even said to me that she thought I was jealous of her. Fast forward a few years, and she had to go back to work because the in laws stopped giving her and her husband money. Her husband is very incompetent and doesn't do his share of housework or childcare, so she works full time and does everything to do with the house and kids. In comparison, my husband does half of the childcare and housework, meaning that I have been able to build a very successful career and am able to take a lot of time for myself.

I am not saying this is your situation OP, but it is always worth examining.

OP I do feel for you because looking after even one small child - let alone 2 once your eldest gets back from pre-school - can feel so relentless, especially if your husband works long hours and isn't back until later (don't know if this is the case for you).

I struggled on maternity leave and I definitely find it easier to be back at work as at least I get to drink a hot cup of tea and have some peace and quiet here and there. I am currently expecting my second and I am very nervous about effectively being a SAHM to 2 through my 2nd maternity leave, and that's even with knowing it has an end date.

So taking your sister and parents entirely out of the equation as tbh I think it's irrelevant, in your shoes, with your youngest now 14 months, I would definitely be looking at even a couple of mornings at nursery for them to give yourself a bit of a break. I know you have said it's not affordable but it doesn't have to be all or nothing - you could look into a few hours once or twice a week and you may even get that for free due to funding, or if not the cost could be minimal.

Just sounds like your need to take some steps to get yourself some time back here because looking after small children is hard work.

To be fair though you have made the choice to be a SAHM, you also have a partner to share some of the load with. Being st home with them may be stressful but it’s a decision you have made for yourself.

Being a SAHM shouldn’t mean being on SAHM - it’s not an inherent part of it.

If she is, she’s got a problem with her husband. Unless he’s forces or something, I guess.

It’s quite offensive to say a SAHM with a husband has it “much harder” than a full time working single mother.

Ok: I'm nodding in a VERY convinced way.