To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

I hear you OP and fully understand what you mean. Take care OP

As a single parent myself I would gently remind you that your sister very likely carries an invisible load on her own and does not have a partner to share big decisions or challenges with, or to run her thinking past. I do know more than most that this is also the case for many people in marriages (it certainly was for me) and if this is the case for you then you have my sympathy.

No good will come of playing some kind of my-life-is-so-hard top trumps. You need to make a really honest assessment of the choices you have made and whether they are working for you. The first might be to consider whether SAHP is for you. It wasn't for me and I'll very happily acknowledge that I was a better parent to my children because I worked outside of the home and used an excellent childminder in whose care they thrived.

You have a DH problem. I don't see why a competent husband can't handle two kids. You can. So can he. You can go out on Saturdays if you want to. He can do housework when he finishes his job. If you are sick, you have a partner. She doesn't. If her kid is sick, she has to make adjustments. Your husband doesnt.

Next, in order for her to get to this stage in her career, she obviously invested time and money. You have chosen not to work.

Compare your sister and your husband. He has a good job, and earns money but is less flexible I assume, and has to parent over the weekend with no break and hopefully does his share of housework. You can't compare your sister to yourself just because you are both women/mums.

I would do anything to have that choice about my days and my time
Except you haven't. You make choices everyday that are distinctly different to hers/her life.

I am sorry you are struggling. If your parents are being unhelpful, are there any changes you could make to improve your circumstances? What type of help have you asked them for and how are your children to be around?

You jealous of your sister's life choices. Maybe make some of your own.

Remember that your sister carries the entire financial load for her little family on her shoulders, this is not something you need to worry about.

If I were you I would put the younger child in nursery and get back to work. Perhaps also work towards additional qualifications at the same time. Speak to your husband and tell him that he needs to take both kids for a few hours every weekend so you can have some time to yourself.

This is batshit! Of course being a working single mother is more challenging than being a supported housewife!

will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

So your parents aren't spending a lot of time helping her either? How does her being a single mother 'trump' anything? I could understand if you resented that parents spend all time helping her and therefore have no time for you, but that does not seem to be the case.

Be careful what you wish for. I don’t think you’d find being a single mother any easier than you find being a stay at home mum with a husband.

Get a minimum wage one then?

This is very important too I think.

@Unher10 did you make the choice to be a SAHM believing your parents would help you? Is this the issue? You shouldn’t really factor in the idea of help from them unless they’ve expressed said they will help.

Otherwise, your getting exactly what you chose. If you’ve changed your mind, now is as good a time as any to make changes in your life.

But I do also think your issue is with your husband, not sharing childcare outside of work hours, not with your parents.

There’s not really an issue of “trumping” as no one has the right to their parents’ time as an adult. But if they decide they want to help your sister out I can see why - there’s one parent in her household to do it all, and two in yours.

Sister gets cms

There’s often an assumption that married SAHMs have a husband who is spending time with the children and she has some free time. It’s clear from posts on here that it isn’t always the case. It can take time for someone to extract themselves from a situation where they’re being treated as a drudge and sometimes they just dig in and wait for the kids to start school. A single parent completely on their own with no family help and a useless ex has it harder but some single parents do have help and free days. A lot depends upon how involved and sensible the children’s father is.

I was only a single parent for a short while as my DD is older but you have no idea how hard it is doing everything yourself and juggling that with a demanding job. It's just not comparable to being a bit bored at home with two kids.

Presumably you chose to be a SAHM and have two? Did you sister choose to be a single parent?

Well put your kids in nursery, get yourself a job and work your way up like your sister if you’re prepared to do anything. Most people who work have to put their kids in nursery at between 8-12 months.

Would it help to change the focus. I wonder if it’s not about comparing and resenting the support your sister receives, but more about feeling people haven’t listened to you?
You’ve talked about your parents not understanding how you feel, but how about your husband? Does he see how you are struggling? Is this all about this weight of parenting or is there a loss of professional/ adult identity too?
You seem shocked at the suggestion of nurses for a child who is over 1yr old. Why does this challenge you?

I think you need stop comparing your situation with your sisters. They aren’t comparable.

You can’t be a SAHM and complain your life is “harder”. No wonder your parents don’t give a shit about your complaining. If you want something to change then make a change.

Yes, I had the same with my 3 kids.
Husband worked long hours.
I used to find Saturdays so long.
I worked Monday to Friday.
Taking k8ds to hairdresser etc

This is true, but it’s not the parents fault if the husband isn’t doing his bit.

You have chosen to have two kids and be a SAHM. You can also make the choice to not do that rather than moaning about it

I agree it can be very lonely in a relationship if you don't have emotional support - is that the issue OP?

I wonder if it’s not about comparing and resenting the support your sister receives

She says though that sister actually rarely asks for any help. Sounds like it's not about what sister receives but OP thinks she should get more, in general.

No it isn’t their role to cover his responsibilities but when they seem to assume their daughter is having an easy time it probably feels upsetting.

So I have 2 children under 4. A flexible work from home job in a senior role with a very good salary and a husband that works 12+hr shifts as a paramedic. I just wanted to add in that just because we WFH and have flexibility to do pick up etc doesn’t mean we suddenly have an easier life. The work still needs to get done and I’ve not taken a lunch break in 3 years and work a couple of evenings a week to make time up and 4 days a week I do that with 0 help as my husband is out the house before the kids wake up and back after they are in bed (or reverse if nightshift). I absolutely love motherhood and love spending time with my kids but that combination is quite hard to juggle sometimes and I imagine that with being a single mum is really hard because when my husband has he gives us 100%. This is to say I don’t think it’s automatically ‘harder’ as a single mum but it’s definitely different and you need your village more I would assume which your mum and dad are providing her. Tbh I think you are just at a hard point of motherhood and taking it out on your sister. You seem annoyed that she is thriving as a single mum? Did you want her to struggle?