To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

Can you be more specific in which ways you feel your life is harder than hers, so you could focus on how to make improvements, rather than feel pissed off with your family?

You can't compare apples with oranges. You have made your choices, so has she. To think that you should feel that your life is "fair" and be able to compare it with a sibling, seems quite a naive perspective, and really unproductive.

Nope. We work (at least did until I became to ill to work, looking at returning now) similar jobs. Mine has more unsociable hours though. But it's little things like them taking her out for dinner because she deserves it because she's a single mum. They took her to Spain for 2 weeks because she "needed a break". I get none of that.

Can you drill down into why it’s become so much harder?

Either to take it in turns or to parent together?

I mean obviously two children will be more work than one but you knew that when you had the second.

OP you sound unhappy with your situation. If you're struggling having the kids at home all the time with no break (I have two little ones and I know I'd struggle to be home full time!) why not go back to work? You can surely look for work that offers flexibility or WFH, or retrain

I get that being a SAHP is tough.

I was a single parent and life was hard during the week juggling work and kids but I got time to myself every other weekend that was a massive bonus. I get that.

But your life is your own, and the person you need to speak to is your husband.

Maybe you could get a sitter one evening a week so you can go to the gym or see friends. Or think about a part time job.

This time will pass. In a year or two things will look very different.

We give to the child who needs it at that moment in time - you will do likewise with your own and this is what your parents are doing with your sister.

She gets time off because presumably her ex has the child but if she's in a big job I guarantee she's still working, as well as setting everything up for the week.

It's fine to be jealous, but if you let this become a resentment, it will damage your relationship with your sis and your parents. You need to find some way to get your peace.

FWIW, I was insanely jealous of the help my in-laws gave my sis years ago. I remember looking at the corner of the countertop in the kitchen thinking "if I cracked my head on this, I could have a little hospital stay - nothing major...". We lived miles away from family, husband travelled 2 weeks out of every month. It was so hard - my SIL got all their attention because they believed I was coping and they realised she wasn't.

It isn't her fault, or even theirs. It was mine - I needed to ask for help, and I didn't.

Of course it is harder with two. No one forced you to have a second though.

If you think being a single parent is so much easier, maybe consider how to become a single parent and only have your kids half the time. It will probably mean having to go back to work and juggling everything that entails as well as being a parent though.

What is stopping you?

My DCs were in nursery from 12 months, single parent.
I didn't pay for it mind you as I'm a low earner, it was £1k a month in tax credits.

This isn't about your sister is it - it's about your parents. You feel all their attention is going to your sister because of her circumstances and none to you. Without being upfront with them nothing will change. You need to tell them you'd appreciate their support and then maybe their attitude will change.

Would you really do anything to have that choice about your days and time? Then put in the time and effort to build your career like your sister has. She must have spent several years and worked some really long hours to get to where she is.

I do understand what you’re saying. A single parent with help from wider family and whose ex is reliable and has the child some of the time sometimes doesn’t have it harder than a married parent who is alone with the children a lot of the time. A great deal depends on how involved and helpful the child’s father is. Your life might actually be easier if you got a job and put the youngest in nursery. The eldest will be in school soon and perhaps your parents would help with school pick ups or you could use after school club. It really depends what you choose to do. I agree though that it’s not fair to assume that your sister’s life is more difficult than yours. It’s up to your parents in the end who they help though.

I hear you OP but it's important to acknowledge that your sister's life as a single parent isn't reflective of many. I was a single parent with no flexibility, no cms, no parental support. I am not complaining, just stating facts.
It does seem that your parents are feeling she deserves more support which I understand why you feel is unfair.
Being a Sahm with a supportive husband doesn't mean you don't struggle and need support.
Take care OP and don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do.
I think you need to speak to your parents.

OP, it sounds like you’re in the trenches at the moment with two small children. It will get easier. I dont think it’s that your life is ‘harder’, more that your parents aren’t recognising that there are issues in your life/home as well as your sisters. Presumably you want to be at home with your little ones but just finding it all a bit lonely/all consuming at the moment? Could you ask your parents to hsve the youngest for a couple of hours every few weeks so you can go to the gym, see a friend or something?

Sorry Op but I think you sound quite entitled and spoilt here.
Agree 100% that being a "single parent" isn't a trump card etc but I actually don't read this & feel that's being made out certainly not by your sister who to me sounds like she has had a hand dealt and is making the best of her situation. Whilst you say she has so much flexibility with her work to go to the gym in her lunch break etc, good for her she can't go in the evening as she is no doubt home with her DC but that time you get once DC are asleep to unwind and relax your sister clearly isn't getting as she is working..... she is juggling and trust me it's hard bloody work juggling a full time high pressured/high powered job with kids and still trying to get some escape for yourself.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a very open conversation about your dynamics you not happy and clearly need something else to occupy you. You're aiming your frustration in the wrong direction and need to look closer to home.

This is me. I have the big income with the job that some think is easy - it's not, I just get on with it and don't go on about how hard it is.

Do you think your sister just walked into her senior role?

Well, we all make different choices in life, and you've chosen yours.

Your sisters life will have its challenges too, but it’s hard when it feels like inequitable support from your parents.

you are at home daily, by choice as a sahm supported by your husband. You have all day every day flexibility. She is on her own with a toddler managing a high paid job which likely comes with high stress. Yabu. If you want that go and work for it otherwise you just sound jealous

I was a SAHM for 10 year to two children with a similar age gap and I am now working full time having set up my own business. I have huge amounts of flexibility and earn well and my children are now late teens so pretty self sufficient. I'm not a single parent but I feel I can say this in a constructive way.

YABU being a SAHM with a partner and a comfortable financial position is far less stressful. Is there a lot of day to day drudge? Yep. do you crave time to yourself? Yep. But sorry that's what your husband is for to pick up the slack and give you time to recharge.

I think you are grossly over estimating how much your sister has to do as a single parent. I have tons of flexibility and a husband and I'm frazzled all the time. I don't believe my SAHM days were easy but they certainly weren't harder.

Eh? How on earth is a life of a SAHM with a partner and a child in nursery harder than working mother's? You have a husband who can take care of children in the evenings or weekends if you need an hour off.

You have the option of returning to work yourself if you wanted to, or putting the kids in pt and not working if finances allow

You’re getting a hard time here @Unher10

I’m hearing that you’re not coping and are feeling overwhelmed.

However, as PPs have said, it is up to your parents how much much help they provide and to whom.

I’ve been a SAHM to two pre-schoolers when my DSis became a single parent to one. My difference was our parents helped neither of us much but it took time and frank conversations to understand each other’s situations. We are now both grandmothers and very close, but there were jealousies and misunderstandings on both sides for quite a long time.

My advice to you is to start working on getting back to work. Look into courses that will improve your CV and may offer crèches for your youngest. A part time course that can become full time may a good way of easing yourself into the new routine and help everyone else adjust. Having an outside interest/goal will be good for your mental health, studying will improve your job opportunities and getting back to work will be good for you and your family’s financial security. You are fortunate that your DH earns well, but life can turn on a sixpence and having two parents with the ability to provide is important on so many levels.

Have a frank and open conversation with your DH about how he can do more to pull his weight. You may have to accept things being done differently to your way but it will do you both good to balance the family and house responsibilities more evenly.