To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

Clearly you never been a single parent with no support . You can always go back to work and have easier ?

Omg yes the illness thing!
So so hard as a single mum.

There were times when I first became a single mum I used to lie awake all night thinking what would happen if I died in my sleep how would my babies call anyone etc

It was absolutely soul destroying and so scary

Unless youve been there youve no idea.
These little tiny people solely relying on you, you are there absolute world and what on earth would happen if you wernt there

Awful. Yes being a SAHM can be hard.
But if your lonely and jealous of a single parent you need to go sort out your marriage

Maybe she's just a human being trying to work through how she feels.

If you don’t work and are at home all day, then why do you think it’s unreasonable to even expected to look after your children?

That’s fine, but that process shouldn’t involve judgemental, ill informed and disparaging remarks about her sister, who clearly works hard and doesn’t actually rely on anyone for much support.

If she was taking up all of her parents time with childminding or borrowing money constantly or moaning about being a single mother that’s fine… but she’s not doing that.

This! I literally used to terrify myself at night wondering what would happen if I died in my sleep. Or if someone broke in. Or if i slipped and fell down the stairs and only the toddler was there and had to just sit by himself with Noone knowing.

Unless you have felt that terror it is very hard to understand.
Being a single parent isn't just about getting time to go get your hair done or see a friend.
It is the utter sole churning worry that something could happen to you at any time and nothing can be done to help.
You are in your own regardless of how many nights or days help you get.

It's not fun and I would swap all the free time in the world for my child to have someone else safe in the home

100%
Very well written 👏

I am comforted to hear other single parents felt the same.

Even thinking about those times makes me quite emotional.

Another one chiming in with this worry. A bout of D and V? No, sorry, just get on with it. Flu? You’re joking surely, there’s breakfast to make.

And the fear of someone breaking in and attacking me/us was constant in my DC younger years. What if I died or was murdered and my small DC had to sit an wait for someone to find them? Until I could teach DC to use a phone in an emergency (maybe 6/7) that caused so much anxiety.

As if the constant anxiety and exhaustion from literally being the only parent in the house practically, emotionally and financially wasn’t enough, the fear of something happening to me and DC honestly kept me awake at night.

Being single doesn’t trump everything but this isn’t your sister’s fault. You’ve both chosen different paths. Good for her for working up to a senior role!!

some senior roles have flexibility but more responsibility. You say she works into the evening. A lot of people wouldn’t like that.

you should be proud of her. She may be lonely at times and can’t share the load in the same ways that couples living together can.

for you - get a job and look for childcare. Then you can work your way up and have these choices too.

you do sound quite jealous and mean.

from your parents point of view you don’t need to work and can stay at home and there’s both parents to share the stress. to them that probably seems good from the outside.

Absolute solidarity here 🙌

Of course not, but neither did she.

Your lives aren’t comparable, but you’re comparing them and finding yourself worse off. Find a job you might enjoy and can work your way up in as your kids get older, get out more and meet new people and be comfortable in the knowledge that there’s another wage coming in if things don’t pan out. That’s the main difference between you and your sister, she is the breadwinner.

This is actually a grandparent thread - why won't my parents give me free childcare? How dare they give it to my sister but not me?

True!

See I loved mat leave, it was fun, we could go out, go on play dates, have mums/dads and children over to play or have picnics. I got to see my toddler at classes and bake, whereas previously he’d have been in nursery. It was only a year ago so it’s not rose tinted, I know two young children with a small age gap is tough!

Working with young children on the other hand I find so so hard. I’m in a demanding job also, catching up after bedtime, rushing to do the drop offs and pickups and just feeling thoroughly burned out. And I’m not even a single parent.

I would say, re you sister, it’s so hard being in alone after bedtime with no adult company. My partner works away sometimes, and being home alone and not being able to do anything, go anywhere (even a gym class), or speak to anyone is lonely and tough. More so when you sit down with your dinner and the laptop

If you want to work, put your kids in nursery. 14 months is not too young if it’s making you unhappy to be at home.

If you want some time to yourself, get your DH to look after the kids one night a week. Organise a girls weekend away. I get plenty of time to myself with two kids, as does my partner.

You sound a bit jealous to be honest, not just of the attention and help your parents give her but of her lifestyle as a whole which isn’t just to do with her being a single mum, she has clearly worked really hard to get to where she is.

Yes! And these things don’t get said enough.

Why are you parenting non stop - where is your husband when he's not working? I'm working very long hours right now, so DH is carrying a bit more of the load, but he is definitely not parenting non stop.

Right so your sister spent years working her way up to get a good wage and flexibility, so did her ex as she gets lots of CMS. your husband for whatever reason doesn't earn as much, can afford for you to not work but not to pay for extra help or cover nursery costs. You didn't pursue your career and now if you return would be faced with typical basic pay and conditions. You complain about having to be with your kids all the time but don't want to go to work and DH doesn't pull his weight to give you a break.

How is any of this on your sister??

Your parents could be more empathetic but perhaps they don't want to have to tell you to get DH to step up and you to get a job?

This.

I worry constantly about something happening to me because I am their only stable parent. Their dad is simply not fit to look after them full time and they could well end up in care.

How? You have TWO kids. Not 10. He takes two kids out for a few hours or you go out and he stays home. It isn't complicated or hard unless you're actually complaining that he's a shit Dad who isn't capable of parenting his own kids.

You sound like you are struggling and really need support and you are not getting it so you are understandably feeling frustrated and lashing out at those around you that you think have it easier. (human nature)
It's easy to think that others have it easier, some may, but maybe you dont' see the difficulties they have because they hide it.
I could have written your post a few years ago, then my husband died and i realised being a single parent has pressures too,many of which i hadnt understood before
My advice is to focus on what you can do to relieve your current pressures.
Could you sit down with your husband and see if he can support you more?
Could you sit down with your parents and explain without resenting your single parent sister how you also need some support ?
Could you afford some child care support ,even a small amount can relieve some pressure.?
Remember it's a season and when you look back in years to come it will seem short.
Funnily enough, the time in my life when i could have written your post(imore aggressively than you ) i now view as the happiest of my whole life.
Good luck .

Your clearly struggling but if you remove your sister from the equation (because she isn't the reason for your struggles at all - she's just the focus) there are some clear problems.

1. You have no parental support - however they don't seem to help her either so nothing to do with her. Have you askdd thrm if they could take the children for just a 3 hour slot a week to help you out?
2. Your family set up just isn't working for you - husband works long hours. Can he even allow you 3 hours slone time at the weekend? Does he know yoi are struggling? Can you do creche for even a short slop teice a week? Is returning to work part time more feasible? Have you both actually had the conversation about getting the right family balance?

I get that it's tough but none of this is really related to your sister.

This is my biggest fear. My DM had a heart attack and died when I was home alone with her as a child. Thankfully I was 13 so could call an ambulance.

I taught my eldest how to dial 999 and his dad’s number off my phone from an early age. I also gave my xh a spare key for such an occasion to occur.

👏🏼

Exactly! Not OP’s parents fault she has a shitty husband

I call it shared parenting when a child/children are raised by two parents consistently (perhaps with step parents involved too). To me, single parenting is exactly that- raising a child/children without input from the other “parent”.