To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

While I think you are being blinkered about your sister and you don’t see what you have this thread is such an example of people deciding from the get go to stick the boot in. Of course everyone else has struggles, especially with a young child, and I do remember as a sahm there was a lot of you chose this/ you’re lucky etc etc and when you’re exhausted it’s never ok for people to say ‘well look what someone else has to go through, you have it easy!’

Two separate issues. Your life is hard with two small children. You are comparing your life to your sisters. She may wish she had a family unit and didn’t need to work. All you can do is change your situation or make steps to make it easier. But how can you do this without looking at your parents as they are not giving you what you want. Can you book a separate babysitter? It sounds like you need some time off.

I think your sisters situation sounds tough - most senior jobs are demanding and balancing that with single parenting is difficult. I wouldnt assume your sister has it as easy as you think. Though you are clearly unhappy with your situation which is perfectly valid, so look at what changes you can make

You get still be lonely in a relationship, it’s not a competition. Her parents should be supporting both their children.

Thank you for this, it really expresses how I feel about being a single parent, that thing of having nobody to share the joy and the pride. When my child did all their "firsts" their absent dad was simply not interested, and although my parents were involved and loving grandparents it was not the same. And the many lonely evenings when they have (finally!) gone to bed and there is just you, your exhaustion, all the chores and the silence.

I’m a single parent not by choice. It’s hard work! I work. Yes I get 2 days a month to myself is it enough no! It’s lonely parenting with out someone to sound off to etc. I work, I’m exhausted. It doesn’t trump all hardships. Maybe look at yourself and work on your own what’s making you unhappy rather than project your unhappiness on someone else.

If it helps, I'm a literature editor, and as long as I meet my deadlines, I can put the hours in whenever I want. They're long hours, but flexible.

I would do anything for my OH to be sole breadwinner so I don’t have to work in a stressful job and can look after my kids full time-the grass is always greener.
Maybe if you worked aswell your husband could work less and things would feel a bit more balanced.
when you have young children it always feels hard but when they go to school you will literally have all the time to yourself if you choose so be grateful.

This. I became a single parent when my kids were 7 and 5. It wasn’t how I planned my life and although my ex husband had a lot of problems he was, and is a good father. However, the sheer loneliness of having to do the day to day bits was overwhelming, not least the pressure of having to cover everything out of one salary (I got cms but going from one household and two earners to two households impacted us both). I also had to hold down a full time job in a very stressful amd male dominated area (engineering), and fight for promotions which would give me some flexibility. I also had to work into the evenings on many nights and for years my life was work, kids, back to work and then all the other things in between. I was one of the luckier ones as my ex and his family helped with childcare and as he’s a teacher he was able to cover all holidays. But term times were hell with the constant worry about whether the plans I’d put in place for after school care would fall through and when they did the panic of having to find someone else to stand in.
Then there was the fact that I worked long long hours and so my time with the girls was reduced and then it reduced further as I had to share them with my ex.

so yes, you are spoiled and entitled to think that your life - that you chose - is in anyway comparable to your sisters.

This 1000 times, so she works, pays for nursery, pays her bills and I suppose takes care of her child(ren) alone for most of the week.

Hubby pays the bills so you live without financial worries and sit at home being jealous of your sister because she is doing all alone and people are helping her?

Give your head a wobble.

Just because they can doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. If needs must, then yes do it and feel no guilt for doing so. But if it's a choice, then it's not beneficial for children so young to be in nursery.

Best response I've seen!!

As a single parent, I’m almost offended by this post and your attitude.

Im your sister… a single parent, whose DC spend time with their father, and am very grateful for the limited family support I have (both parents work full time) and I also have a senior level role that I break my butt doing.

I’ve had to work so hard over the years, made so many sacrifices in missing play dates/school plays, working late, missing work meetings… trying to balance everything at work and home because it’s only me in my house to run the show and I don’t want to and can’t lean on others all the time.

You’ve chosen the life you’re living. You chose not to pursue a senior level role. You chose to have children. You chose to be a SAHM. You have a husband at home to share the load with housework, parenting, finances, life admin, all the anxieties and challenges that life brings.

Guess who I have? Nobody. It’s all on me.

It’s doesn’t matter if I need to do the food shop or run errands, I don’t have DC father to lean on when it’s ’my time’, they come with me.

It doesn’t matter if I need to work late, I still need to do the school run, homework, make dinner, bath and bedtime before I can even think about putting in a few hours work because I don’t have a partner I can lean on, even occasionally.

It doesn’t matter if I can’t pay my mortgage, insurance, utility bills, I just have to figure it out. All that stress is on me because I don’t have a partner at home to share the load, or simply offload to.

Every single challenge, obstacle, anxiety that I face is faced completely alone… do you have any understanding of the toll that can take on a person?

But your sister sounds similar to me, I just get on with it, I don’t expect or exploit the limited assistance I’m offered, and I certainly don’t go about whinging about how difficult life is as a single parent, in the same way that you’re whinging about being a SAHM.

You chose this life, and if it’s not for you then work harder to change things, like your sister has clearly done. Put the children in nursery, or at least upskill yourself while you’re working at home. Your youngest is 14months old, plenty old enough to be in nursery, mine went at 8 months because I had to go back to college (4 full days) and work (3 nights and 2 full days) to better myself and keep a roof over our heads.

If you’re not happy then do something, but stop whinging about your sister. You speak awfully about her when she’s obviously worked hard and doesn’t take the piss with childcare etc. Take a leaf out of her book of ambition maybe.

you sound really bitter and resentful which is not a nice combination.

I know someone who is much better off and happier as a single mum. Child free time when kids at nice, but immature DH and no annoying immature DH to act as a third child. She became more free when both kids were at school and encouraged them to become independent as they got older by encouraging hard work at school etc. She started working and is pretty happy with plenty of time to do what she likes.

As to your point about your parents being unable to see you as ever hard done by/ struggling: they’ve put you in a box that you don’t belong in. The same happened to me and now I just stay aware of their tendency to twist things and I rely on better, more clear sighted people. Hopefully you have someone or some people who can get it more than your parents. Your children will grow up and your parents will age. Think about what you want and how you can get it.

People on mn treat single parenting like some kind of martyrdom while merrily encouraging others on here to “LTB” for the most spurious reasons.

The reality is that neither party necessarily has it harder.

Just because someone has a partner doesn’t mean that parenting is necessarily easier. Was a SAHM because my DH’s career meant that both of us couldn’t work as he had a three hour round trip commute so him being at home for the DC wasn’t possible. We could afford to do it financially but emotionally it was me who carried the parenting, and that is so often the case in lots of instances.

And when parents work it’s always the mothers who complain that they have to work and look after the kids as well. Added to which most women don’t work to bring in more income because most of that is eaten up in nursery fees. Where I live two under 4 in nursery would probably set you back about £2k so the woman going to work is generally just doing it to keep up her career not for financial reasons.

Whereas most single parents can work but they top up their incomes with benefits and are still entitled to free childcare. And if they receive child support that’s extra money they’re not penalised for which personally IMO isn’t fair. Child support is just as much of an income and should be taken into account if you’re on benefits.

After me and DH divorced I was a single parent, and i wouldn’t say that was particularly harder than not being. And my child stayed with me full-time, or for the majority of it.

But in so many instances now where parents have 50/50 single parents aren’t carrying all the load at all. And while being apart from the DC is hard they also get far more childfree time than parents who have the DC full-time.

But all that aside, constantly throwing in someone’s face that “but your sister has it harder because she’s a single parent” is just bitchy and spiteful. Where do we draw that line?

Couldn’t it be argued that OP has it harder because she has two children but her sister only has one?

Should parents say to their adult children that x needs more support because she works and the other is a SAHM, or because one is a baby? This comparison is purely designed to hurt and is entirely unnecessary.

Why can’t they both need support? Why does it have to be a competition where “single parent” is used as a weapon?

But she is directing her anger to the wrong person, it is not the single sister’s circumstances and help that are to blame for how OP feels.

If OP feels alone and unsupported she needs to assess and act on her personal situation not to compare herself with her sister as they are not playing in the same league, in fact they are not even playing the same sport.

But worthwhile as a family to pay it because it seems like your mh would benefit from working
It is a short term cost
You choose
So you can build up to request flexible working etc
You have made choices
You have a husband on site at home to support you
You can make different choices Going firward
Work out what you want and make it happen
There are two of you on site to make things happen
Your life

If you aspire to her work life make it happen

But it doesn’t actually sound like the sister is even asking for support! She seems to just get on with the cards she’s been dealt. Whereas the OP is moaning about her life to her parents.

Sorry, not trying to diminish single parents on here. Just answering to the OP earlier.

But presumably she didn't either

Yes I agree, I was tongue in cheek but meant that it sounds like her husband does naff all with his children if she has the children all the time. With a husband at home even working long hours she should still manage a gym trip or a few hours for a facial or a coffee/book in peace.

I’ve been part of a two-parent family and am now a single parent. I find being a single parent harder despite DC spending some days with their father. This is because I have to work then so haven’t got time to myself or time to rest, and, yes, it can be exhausting.

When I was with my ex, I was able to be a SAHM for a few years. Not that that was easy, of course, but it was a lot easier than working too. It sounds like you almost resent being at home F/T with your DC. Why not do what I did with the youngest DC - put them in nursery for a few hours two or three times a week? My youngest did two or three afternoons of two or three hours (can’t remember the details) and this gave me a mental break, time to keep on top of chores, and sometimes time to have some ‘me time’.

While I understand you’re upset that your parents think you have it easy, that’s not your sister’s fault, and it’s likely she does have it harder than you as a single parent. Never underestimate the exhaustion and the ‘aloneness’ where you have no partner for emotional support and where you carry the weight of all the decisions yourself.

Why can't you have a day a week to yourself? Surely if you had two children with the man then your husband is competent enough to parent them while you go out?

I have been both you and your sister and the solo parenting is by far harder. On the surface the time off seems fun and easier but it's not. You have no idea how difficult being solely responsible is. I'm not exaggerating that. My ex was a bit of a dick but even that was easier than having no choice but to be present.

If you have the flu your husband steps up. When I had the flu I had to hold a toddler while throwing up Into a bowl wishing I were dead.
If you need to pop out you go. You can literally say hey, I'm just popping out to....
Solo parents can't do that. And no, not everything you need to do will fit into that one day off a week you might have if the other parent has the child.

You sound very unhappy with your life but that is not anyone else's fault. Either your husband isn't pulling his weight or he is and you need to make some changes yourself to make you happier

I’ve been a sahm and a single parent. These scenarios are absolutely incomparable.

If child is ill, you have back up. If she’s a lone parent or has a lousy ex, she doesn’t. Single parenting is much harder. Most important decisions fall on you.

Looking back I would give anything to be a sahm again.