To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

This. 💯

But you could have this too.

You and DH can easily have more breaks and child free time.

You’re also missing a massive part of being a single parent.
Its not just about having the break from the kids - it’s having to do literally everything all by yourself.

You and DH will share the physical and mental load, whether it’s cleaning or decorating bedrooms or choosing a nursery and remembering to pay for nursery/school dinners.

The fact is that you choose to be a 2 parent family, where she didn’t choose to be a single parent (even if she left).
You could spilt with your DH or live separately if you wanted to but you won’t because you know life will be harder.

You can’t be jealous that your sister has done well in her career.
You had the same upbringing and opportunities.

I have been both a single parent and now married with a not so helpful husband. I was a single parent for four years with my eldest before having my youngest with my husband. My eldest did not see her dad nor did I receive any CMS payments. You have stated ‘how are our situations even comparable’ they are not so stop comparing to your sister. Parenting has been infinitely easier when having someone else around even if they are not here much of the time and may not really be doing very much. Just simple things such as going for a shower required planning as my child didn’t sleep well and was just a bit of a nuisance so knowing someone else was around is helpful. There were many times that I had absolutely no money, and I have had to work really hard to get into a well paid career with a certain level of flexibility to ensure if I was to end up being a single parent again I can do this effectively as it is very different. However, that doesn’t mean you cannot struggle if you have a partner and you do need to look at how you can make this more manageable as it is very difficult but I would stop comparing as that isn’t going to help you.

You could be using your evenings to study/ retrain in an area that could get you a more skilled job. Just a thought or put the kids to Nursey and get a part time/full time job

How is that relevant?

@Unher10

Stop complaining. Your lot as a SAHM is no more or no less than many SAHMs. If you don't like the way things are, then change them.

Get a job. It doesn't have to be megabucks or high-powered. The point of it would be to get you out of the house, away from childcare duties for a while, and earning some of your 'own' money. . Maybe then your parents would be more willing to help you out since both you and Sis would be 'equal', ie working.

Get your husband to do more. With you working he should share the domestic load proportionately if not 50/50. Both my husband and I worked full time and he pulled his weight. Why shouldn't yours?

If you don't want to do that, then you'll just have to content yourself with your life, as is.

@Unher10

Your parents are completely wrong for bringing up your sister when you are dealing with your own struggles. They shouldn’t be comparing and it’s completely unfair.

However, being a single parent is a different kind of pressure entirely, so I don’t think you should really look at your sister as if she has it easier than you. I don’t think people fully understand what it’s like until they experience single parenthood (not that I wish it on anyone!).

The problem here is that your parents don’t allow space for you to vent about your struggles or ask for support. They are the problem and they are going to cause resentment. I think this needs to be discussed with them. You are allowed to find parenthood difficult too.

Just wow…

Divorce your husband and get a job then.

Honestly I used to have your life OP. Now I'm divorced, work full time and only see my kids 50% of the time.

No one knows how painful it is to only see your kids half the time until they've done it.

I’m a single mum who works part time in a senior role that has a flexible calendar but it’s hugely tiring juggling that and the nursery run, just because I don’t have strict visibility hours I still have a lot of hard work to do , and keeping up in th evenings or weekends is so hard as that’s also the only time I get to do any life admin or exercise or literally wash myself and my home. My life would be so much easier if I had someone else doing some of the metal load at home(I’ve just paid £200 more than I need to on my car insurance as I dropped the ball
on that admin and it auto renewed into an expensive new deal for example, i can’t pop out to the shops if i need soemtbinf after dinner time, even taking the bins out to the flats bin room is a huge task when my toddler is here which is always). Being the only adult at home is so hard.

No but you never will if you don't get your arse in gear, stop whining and do something about it. You chose not to work. This is nobody's fault but your own.

I’ve also been a solo sahm on mat leave and that’s hard too, but agin would be so much easier if someone else could hold the baby while
i I took a quick morning shower or do the evening tidy up and washing up while I did bath and bedtime

Completely disagree.
This is harsh and insensitive and completely missing the point.
OP has every right to feel exhausted and in need of some love and support from family. I have friends who admit to being in privileged positions when their kids were young (supportive partners /lovely homes /financially comfortable etc) & they still found it hard and in need of support from wider family. That support makes a HUGE difference, irrespective of circumstances.

If you had a decent partner wouldn’t he take the kids for Wednesday evening and during the day on Saturdays?

Are they perhaps embarrassed? I would be embarrassed if you were my daughter and you posted the entitled, spoilt bratishness that you have in this thread. Pull yourself together and get a job!

This

It’s trite OP but comparison is thriving your joy away here. Your sister being more hard done by certainly won’t make you less exhausted, and you know your parents response so you’re flogging a dead horse by complaining to them.
What are your dh’s working hours like? Are you getting out of the house by yourself when he gets home?

I have never been a single parent so I don’t feel like I am in a position to comment and I don’t think you should be either. And it’s not unusual to have 2 kids under 4. Seems to be almost the default to have 2 kids 2 years apart for some reason

I think if I told my parents I was struggling and they kept telling me my sister had it worse, it would annoy me too! Sometimes you just need a bit of peace and support.
You can’t say a single parent with a high income/nanny cleaner etc is the same as a single parent on UC.

Op, I wonder if your parents think that your husband could be doing more parenting? It isn't right that you get no time to yourself. Talk to him about how you can both make this happen, which involves him looking after both children at the same time.

It's not your parents job to provide the support you are looking for, that role belongs to your husband. They are supporting your sister because she doesn't have another adult in the house to support her.

But it is a luxury. One many people would give anything to have. Of a single parent came on here saying she couldn't work cos her child was 14 months old she would be handed her are on a plate. And some.

I’ve been in both situations and being at home was definitely easier than having to work.

This isn’t to say that OP doesn’t have her own struggles going on, but what she has is a case of “the grass is greener” and is focusing on her sister, who ultimately has more on her shoulders.

Then you have no idea about the loneliness,the worries and the what ifs. That's the real issue with single parenting. Not the cash. Or lack of.

You need to stop focusing on your sister and parents. Decide what changes you want to make in your life and look at how you can get there. If you want time away from your children then look into going back to work/putting your children in nursery or asking your husband to take on more household tasks/take the kids alone occasionally.