AIBU to wonder if children should ever feel afraid of parents?

[Icecreamdreamer]

Were you afraid/fearful of your parents growing up in any way and do you think your children feel any of that towards you?

personally I did have a level of fear when my parents told me off/ shouted but I would hate to think my children would ever be afraid of me

edited to add- I don’t think children should ever fear their parents but I know some people who do still parent like this

Children should never fear their parents.

I agree

Healthy fear is called respect.

Fear of my mum kept me pretty much on the straight and narrow. My mum would have been fucking livid if we’d have done some of the stuff our friends did (shoplifting, running away, drugs), I was always too scared of her to make getting involved in any of this stuff feel worth it.
My kids aren’t scared of dh or I and have pretty much on the whole been okay too.
My mum’s strictness and my fear doesn’t seem to have scarred me, we’re really close and I know she raised me the way she knew how and also the reasons she did.

Yes I was and it has affected my life to some extent with relationships.

I feared not for myself but for them when I was a child. They exhibited some reckless behaviour when I was growing up. But it sort of amounts to the same thing: a feeling of fear around one's parents.

And I think there’s truth in this.

Having worked in schools and witnessed some of the worst behaviour I ever thought possible to see I came to the conclusion that kids aren’t scared enough of consequences to keep them on the straight and narrow! I left education 5 years ago and never looked back. No respect from far too many children.

Fear of disappointment, not of harm.

(Although, even parents disappointment with a child can be weaponised.)

I feared my parents at times and I don’t think that is healthy, I definitely didn’t respect my parents when they lost it and were aggressive towards me or used extreme punishments. Of course it’s okay for children to know there are consequences to their behaviour/ actions and to want to avoid those consequences, but they shouldn’t be literally fearful of them.

I was never in fear that they would physically harm me but fear of their reaction in the things they could take from me/stop me from doing kept me on the straight and narrow as a teen and I am pretty certain that I wouldn't have made good choices without that respect of their 'authority' as my parent.

I did feel afraid of my mum and former stepdad growing up, they were both abusive. I would never entrust my children to my mums or her partners care.

I hope my children never feel afraid of me in the way I felt. Do I think I've scared them before if I've lost control by shouting when I've told them off? Yes but do I think they are afraid of me or that I make them feel unsafe? No

Same here. I was genuinely fearful of my f who was a violent and thoroughly nasty man. Childhood was not fun.

As a result I could never marry, never tie myself legally to a man. It's just not worth the risk.

The worst my ds ever fears of me is an ear-bashing over some domestic failing, or if I'm really pissed off with him, a refusal to drive him places so he has to walk or cycle.

We get on well, and understand each other perfectly. 😊

I wasn't fearful of my parents. I never wanted to upset my mum though as she was sensitive. My step dad was scary with the boys sometimes but not with me.

I do worry about my kids being fearful of their dad sometimes. He sometimes shouts very loud and I once caught him pulling out DS by the ear!

They shouldn’t be scared of harm but I think they should know parents have the authority to give consequences and will be angry when a boundary is crossed.

I was afraid of my parents. I wouldn’t ever want my children to be afraid of me.

Agree

I was scared of getting whacked across the legs or head or being shouted at. It just meant I never confessed to anything and would lie to get out of things.
I wouldn’t want my children to fear me but I recognise that for high spirited children it can be difficult to keep control as the parent.

Yes I feared them, but I didnt respect them. Looking back ad an adult things were so unhealthy. The way my sister was prioritised, the way we were spoken to, the constant drama and fighting. Im raising my children very differently.

I definitely didn't fear harm or repercussions, but I definitely had a level of worry of what they might say or how disappointed or upset they might be at various stages of my life (e.g. when I was stupidly underage drinking in fields at 15/16, when I flipped off my elderly next door neighbour for not giving me my ball back etc).

That level of worry definitely kept me from doing stupid things to excess.

Children should be fearful of their parents disappointment should they misbehave and get into trouble.

it depends what you mean by fear. Fear of being hurt or ridiculed, absolutely not. But there is nothing wrong with fear of consequences for poor behaviour.
I teach and last week a child hurt another child, they were scared when I said that I would be informing their parents, and when I asked why it was because they would lose their weekend screen time. I see nothing wrong with that.
I have other families where I see the parents fearing the children, and minimising everything, that is not healthy and leads to children who have no boundaries.

They should respect their parents, be worried about consequences, but not fear them.

I feared repercussions of poor behaviour, but I was never afraid of harm.

I was very afraid of my father as he was a terrible father who only communicated with me and my siblings to shout or be violent. I never did anything wrong as I feared him so much, but if he was in a mood he’d find something to pick on. My parents thought they were good parents because we ‘behaved well’. They didn’t see, or see it as an issue, that it was because we were frightened and anxious.

We would never have brought our children up like that. Our children respect us because we are always reasonable and they know we always have their best interests at heart. I would feel like a complete failure if our children were scared of us.

I think there’s a better word to use , a better emotion to have. than fearful for disappointing your parents to make it healthy. Fear is pretty much a negative emotion.