AIBU to wonder if children should ever feel afraid of parents?

[Icecreamdreamer]

Were you afraid/fearful of your parents growing up in any way and do you think your children feel any of that towards you?

personally I did have a level of fear when my parents told me off/ shouted but I would hate to think my children would ever be afraid of me

edited to add- I don’t think children should ever fear their parents but I know some people who do still parent like this

We don't hit so there isn't a fear of violence, but I probably do scare my kids sometimes when I shout. It's not how I'd like to parent but lots of parenting is less than ideal.

I was definitely afraid of my Dad when he shouted, but we were smacked as kids, so there was always that threat there with him.

Ideally kids shouldn't feel afraid of their parents but they do need to fear consequences. I shouted a lot and made my 9 year old cry when he stole £20 out of his Dad's wallet and hid it, and I felt bad yes, but he hasn't done it since.

I think its really important for everyone that we come together for a calm talk and a cuddle after any time we have butted heads, and apologies of course. I always wished I'd had that reflection from my parents but they would have never admitted they'd handled something badly.

Never. I was terrified of my dad and it’s left me with a life long anxiety disorder.

I feared both. I would hope my DC doesn’t feel anything like what I used to feel as a kid, the crushing weight of expectation, the hammering heart when you heard their foot on the stairs.

I was scared of my parents to a degree, but never that they would really harm me or abandon me etc. I always knew they loved me. I was smacked as a small child which I think was pretty typical at the time but never as we got older. I remember moments of being afraid of my dad when he was angry but that was largely because he very rarely got angry. So I don’t think it was damaging.
Edited to say I do think the smacking was harmful but I don’t think the fear was, I don’t remember being afraid of them when we were little and would get smacked, just afraid of getting smacked.

I would want my children to care about the consequences and care about what I think of them, what they think of themselves and what our reaction might be, be concerned or worried, but not afraid most of the time.

I think fear is a healthy reaction to certain circumstances and think it would be fine to be afraid of the consequences of doing something really bad as that is a reason people don’t do bad things…though I would hope that went alongside other reasons like empathy and valuing themselves.

Yeah I’m completely the same and even as an adult, have nightmares about it. Sorry you went through that too.

I think it depends what exactly they’re fearing, and what it relates to. Eg if they have a constant fear of a parent’s violent temper then obviously that’s awful.
But i have to admit using fear on one occasion. My young DD kept undoing her carseat harness while I was driving. Once she did it on a smart motorway (no hard shoulder to pull over onto), miles from a junction or services. I lost my shit and she never did it again. Adults wear seatbelts because they are aware of the potential consequences (injury/death) of not doing so, and they fear those consequences. My three year old couldn’t fear her potential death from getting out of her seat on the motorway, but she could fear my reaction to it.
It’s not my proudest parenting moment, but equally I don’t feel particularly bad about it, and she’s a perfectly happy 6 yr old now, with absolutely no signs of being remotely scared of me. Maybe worried about getting in trouble sometimes, but not fearful of me.

Of course, I was afraid if I smoked a cigarette what would my mum and dad say, if I had a sip of alcohol at 16 what would they say, or act out at school/ not do homework, but this is respect. I was never afraid to be a child. And I think that’s the difference.

I was in fear of my father throughout my childhood. He was pretty abusive, but back then I didn't realise that it wasn't normal, after all it was all I was used to.
It was only when I was well into adulthood, and he was unwell that I stopped being scared of him. It's had a lasting impact on me, and has affected my adult relationships. As he aged I helped and supported him for a few years, but now refuse to help him after being on the receiving end of too much abuse and disrespect.

I disagree.

Respect doesn’t require fear to exist, and when it’s driven primarily by fear, it’s usually not true respect but compliance. People comply when they are threatened, it has nothing to do with respect.
Genuine respect comes from understanding and regard, not from intimidation or the threat of consequences.

I wasn’t afraid of my mum she was lovely to me as a child and only rarely shouted but my dad would shout and smack me several times hard across back of head, back, legs and bottom for reasons I can’t even remember so no I don’t believe a child should be afraid of their parents to an extent

I wasnt scared or fearful of my parents day to day. But my dad was and still is a soft touch so we would maybe push boundaries as we knew there would be no repercussions. But my mum.... she let nothing slide. She wasnt strict everyday but if we did something wrong... like swear, or I dont know, she would give us into trouble and we were scared if we heard her coming to our room to do that! So we werent fearful and had great relationships but my mum taught us alot of what was right and wrong and what we couldn't do. So it done us okay. Alot of parents now insist on gentle parenting and I think that gets you nowhere and gives young people potential mh issues.

Yes, I did. Not afraid they would get physical towards me but afraid to disappoint or let them down and I think my dc feel similarly towards myself and my DH. We have brought up two wonderful dc who contribute positively to society and I’m very proud of them. I deal with a lot of troubled youngsters in the course of my work and I think that many parents lose control as soon as dc realise that parents are actually unable to do much once they start pushing. The relationship seems to be the key.

I was only ever slapped a handful of times, only three that I can remember really. I was always scared getting trouble at school and someone telling my mum and dad, but wasn’t scared of gobbing off to my mum and dad myself.

The slaps I got as a kid - I don’t think they traumatised me but I do remember feeling intense hatred for my mum when she did it and I have never, ever slapped my kids.

I think my kids are good, we have disciplined them using natural and logical consequences.
Sometimes a bollocking when they are really bad or were over tired. They get fantastic school reports - behaviour is always perfect and they are high achievers but they do answer back at home and can be argumentative to me and my husband. They wouldn’t try it with another adult though.

I think there is a difference between short term fear of the consequences of a specific action which breaks a rule or boundary, and living in a climate of underlying fear.

For example if I found out my daughter was taking an addictive drug I might find it useful to inspire fear of the consequences. But creating an environment where fear was the dominant force in our relationship would eventually lead her to lose respect and trust. It’s ultimately counterproductive.

For example if I found out my daughter was taking an addictive drug I might find it useful to inspire fear of the consequences.

Thats not the same thing though. Fear of drugs is not the same as a fear of a parental figure or a person in your life. I dont have "respect" for heroin for example.

I don’t think compliance is necessarily a bad thing, depending on what drives it. I expect my kids to comply with rules at school and to comply with rules at home that make life pleasant for everyone. Part of the problem now is that compliance is seen as a negative, but we can’t all just live as we please and have a functioning society - we do need to sometimes comply with rules we don’t like or agree with.

My kids don’t fear me, but they know I have expectations of them and will impose consequences if they over step.

I'm absolutely with @Chickenwing2 . My fear of my (long dead) mother is one of the main things that has blighted my several decades of life. So no, never.

I think fear or concern about consequences is different from fear of people, eg parents.

No, it's not.

I’m still afraid of my Mum now and I’m in my 40s!

She was very shouty and doled out lots of slaps while we were kids and I was so afraid of ever getting in trouble, but I’m mostly afraid of her disapproval these days.

Completely disagree @QOrion

Fear is an emotion based on anxiety, intimidation, and survival, leading to compliance

True respect is internally motivated and built through trust, admiration, and safety.

I wasn't fearful of being hit or abused in anyway.

I knew that if I was home late, say expected at 10.30pm and came in at 11.30pm, there would be consequences: a very stern telling off, grounding for two/three weekends, cancellation of something I wanted. There were boundaries.

Same for our DC.

Children should never fear their parents but they should fear consequences for bad behaviour. There is a difference

Absolutely nothing wrong with fear of consequences ie grounded,no pocket money,phone time ,missing play dates etc . It’s how children learn that actions = consequences.

Absolutely not. You need your children to know they can come to you when something is wrong, not for them to be too scared to tell you. I don’t agree with the posters saying that healthy fear is respect. It’s not.